Down 2.5!

Now weighing in at 162.5! 🙂 3 weeks in a row it was only a pound, so this was kinda nice and def what I needed to keep my motivation high!

MyFitnessPal doesn’t register the ‘.5’ losses though, but that’s OK. Lol

I left a message with mental health yesterday asking to re-book, they called back, but I wasn’t here and missed it so will hopefully reach them today and can finally get an appointment to speak with a professional.

My sons (21, 18 & 16) have been long debating getting matching tattoos, and I’d like something simple, like the Chinese symbol for family.

The only problem is, we can’t agree on where to put it. I initially wanted it on the inside of the wrist, but my youngest doesn’t have any yet and at only 16, I don’t know that I’m really comfortable with that …

Anyway, we’ve been searching forever for other designs, ideas, etc that we could get – but to no avail. This is the only one we’ve all agreed on and that holds any meaning.

 

 

Regrets

Looking into the mirror and all I see is an aging, unfulfilled, unhappy woman, desperate to be accepted, desperate to love and be loved back and desperate to become more – though I know I’ll never be anything more than what I am or have been already. It’s too late.

I can’t help but wonder where the years have gone and can’t seem to stop myself from wanting to look back and wonder about each ‘lifetime’ … I ask myself when I was the happiest, but I don’t know that I ever was. I’ve always had this painful feeling from deep within of not belonging, not good enough, or feeling I’ve gotta chase to get myself a little ‘peace’ (of the mind and heart).  Stability. What is it? What does it mean to have it in your life?

You know how some people are constantly going from one job to another always looking for something better? I’m the same way, it’s horrible because in my opinion, I’ve never given myself the chance to become great at anything. I get bored, didn’t like the job to begin, uncomfortable feeling I was being  judged and the list goes on. Anyway, think I’ve been the same in all my relationships to an extent … the ones worth fighting for and keeping, I’ve let them slip away so easily and to this day think about the ‘what ifs’, o god the regrets, and the ones never worth a fuck to begin with are the ones I’ve obsessed over and tried to keep. Is it somebody else’s life I’ve been chasing?

I see lines forming around my eyes, some grey hairs that need re-doing, eyebrows that need another waxing, scars on my belly from a variety of surgeries, boobs pointing to my toes basically and skin dryer than an elephants.

This weirdship I’m in with someone 10 years younger gets to me, and though I can’t imagine him not being in my life – I can’t help but feel that one day he’ll wanna move on to someone closer to his own age and likely start a family of his own. His age is a lifetime ago for me, and I feel most days that I’ve put my life on hold.

I want to get caught up with everyone, I’m sorry I haven’t been around, I’m so lost lately. I always feel like I’m ‘missing’ someone or something, like I’m always in mourning. 😦 Will catch up tomorrow.

Hope everyone is well. ♥

 

Am I an Asshole?

Weigh-in today, packed 2.5 pounds back onto my ass again. I knew that would happen … and not to make excuses (though I’m gonna) I blame it on Christmas and the pot I smoked over those couple of days. No control over what I eat when I’m high. Well, I do, it’s just that I don’t give a shit.

I’m back on the wagon now though and no plans to fall off it again anytime soon. Time to stop smoking again, I know I’ll never be able to get back into running as long as I’m smoking these smelly, disgusting things. I quit for 4 years, then took it up again nearly 2 years ago.

I’ve so much to say tonight, but tired (it’s 1:46am), can’t sleep, lazy as hell …

Wait.

I’m an asshole I think.

I mean, and this is totally random, but, when I met ‘N’, it was within weeks of coming out of an unhealthy relationship. I met him through a mutual friend. I should tell you that he is significantly younger than I am. Anyway, at the time, I felt he was a godsend, had a special connection, understood each other, he really ‘got’ me, know what I mean? However, he was also someone to smoke pot with, we’d sit in the car for hours listening to Metallica or whatever else, smoke bowl after bowl and talk. We were ‘friends’ only. I started to go out on the weekends my kids were away and he’d always be the one to come pick me up or have those ‘talks’ with me when I’d cry uncontrollably and so on, this went on for nearly 7 months. Till one day … yeah, we did the nasty.

Truth be told, for the longest time he didn’t have more to contribute than a dick and some great conversation, but never had any money. And I do mean never, no job, no income at all. Eventually, it became something a little ‘more’ and like any other relationship, it’s goes through one phase to another … he’s still very much a part of my life and while I do love him, I’m hardly feeling fulfilled amongst other things. I don’t even know if it’s the ‘right’ kind of love to be honest. We’ve had arguments and have actually said to each other more than once that we didn’t really want each other, yet didn’t wanna see each other with anyone else. What the fuck does that even mean?

Now? We get along for the most part and that’s the problem. Kinda. I daydream about being with someone my own age, someone that’ll better understand the responsibilities of having teen-aged sons and a mortgage. What I once considered my rock, my safe place, I now sometimes see more as a paper weight.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate him if that makes any sense and I appreciate that he’s ‘there’ for me, but at my age – I just expected to be in a different place. Settled down, decent home, and so on. I’m not explaining this very well am I? *Sigh*

I’ve had men interested over the past couple of years that I’ve been interested in and honestly still wonder about a select few and often … but could it be I didn’t really feel that ‘connection’ like I thought  or did I feel they didn’t compare to him OR have I settled because it’s safe and I can be myself and he already knows how fucked up I really can be?

I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m not where I want to be and I don’t see the potential of even coming close to the future I dream of.

I hate how I think sometimes, doesn’t make me feel like a very good person.