Tag Archive: frustrated


I’ll be damned. Another one of my many rotten vices is caffeine. I keep telling myself I’m gonna try to do it black, no sugar – but really, I find it tastes like ass. Was checking over the calories and between the Coffee Mate (It’s rich & creamy, what’s not to love?!) and my one (heaping teaspoon of sugar) my cups of coffee are a miserable 80 cals EACH. O. my. word.

This was one of my resolutions, to consume not more than 2 … I think 160 cals for only 2 cups of coffee is ridiculous. So do I force myself to get used to it black or only have that one in the morning or what? Advice needed regarding caffeine indeed. 😐

Smoking. Did fine till today … my neighbor popped in asking for a drive and at first I didn’t want to, but then I thought, hmm … she’s a smoker! She gave me one when I was with her, then another for tonight. It was delicious to be honest. God I miss them. I feel like I’m picking at food and wanting to eat/snack more – poor excuse perhaps, but it’s just the way it is. It’s like before, I’d have a puff instead of wanting to nibble on something and let’s face it, all that nibbling adds up. 😦

I’ve still a little bit of pot left, not sure if I’ll smoke it tonight or not – but likely I will. God hates me by now no doubt. The weeds in my drawer, and I can smell it just thinking about it. Why does it relax me the way it does? May be a good night to finish it, seeing as how there isn’t much in the house to eat anyway.

Weigh-in was today … 171.5! I WAS SHOCKED. I’ve been messing up pretty bad in the evenings still, so not sure how I pulled it off. I wish I hadn’t started when I did though, set me back a week kinda. Hopefully next year around Christmas I’ll have a better grip on my eating habits at least, or so I’m thinking.

I’m feeling a bit like a loser tonight, I mean really – who the hell am I trying to fool with all this ‘getting myself on the right track’ BULLSHIT? Is it even making a difference? Is it me or do the people around you only notice the shit they think you shouldn’t be doing, but fail to notice when you stop and instead, only accuse you of still doing it anyway? I know that’s contradicting thing to say after admitting the above – but … you know what I mean, I think.

And I know it’s an old subject, but this damn Celexa crap is pissing me off. I’m getting so I’ve no feeling ‘down there’, in fact, it’s near fucking numb. I CAN’T STAND IT. And what’s worse, is that apparently after stopping this medication a person can have problems for weeks or years afterwards … sex in my opinion, is often a waste of time if I’m unable to get off. And I’m always tired, it’s a chore to get out of bed most days and I feel exhausted all the damn time. I’m gonna stop these. I’ve still the Geodon, and think I felt better when it was just that alone.

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Fatttttttttt

Right, OK. So, I’m an idiot.

This is the final night of the weed, just finished it up. Fucked up my eating the other night, yesterday was shit (the right choices but seriously over ate) and today, well … chocolate and everything else ffs. Everyone keeps saying “It’s Christmas” blah blah blah, but, to myself I think NO FUCKING MORE EXCUSES!

On a lighter note, Christmas was nice. Had a great morning with my kids and then had ALL my boys together when my oldest and his girlfriend showed up. 🙂 Feels awkward sometimes though when they’re over, today did at least, things just so quiet … much of the talk was of nothing specifac. Can’t quite put my finger on it …

Anyway, I’ve fucked up, moods off and I feel frustrated, a little lazy and I’ve the energy of a nuns c^nt.

 

I wrote, deleted,wrote deleted, closed the page …

I wish I knew what I wanted.

In life, in men, from myself. I’m so up and down sometimes. Lost.  Frustrated. Discouraged. And very lonely in so many ways.

I wish I could understand why I’ve become the way I have,  so I could just stop it or at least better control it. These anti-depressant are bullshit and do nothing but give me headaches, make me feel nauseous half the time and make it impossible to rub one off.

1:22 am Christmas morning and I’m sitting in front of the computer, smoking a bowl, eating pistachios and popcorn and downing disgusting amounts of Pepsi. Yep, f a i l. I was giving myself the excuse that “it’s Christmas” so it was acceptable. Christmas, yeah, woopdee fuck.

I do look forward to my kids in the morning, it’s the only joy in Christmas for me – my boys, but aside from that, all it does is remind of the harsh reality of my future and where I’m going, or should I say not going …

Tomorrow’s a new day and I’m gonna get right back on the wagon, forget this didn’t happen and promise to not let it happen again.

Happy Christmas all xxx