Tag Archive: smoking


Still alive, yeah `

I’ve 2 drafts saved from what I’ve written over the past week, happy I didn’t post either … same shit, same cry-baby garbage. I’ve finally an appointment to see someone Thursday morning, 90 minutes she said, I hope she walks me through it cuz I haven’t a clue of where to start.

So tired.

Eating right, check.

Working out, check.

Yep, smoking and again, planning to stop … a part of me is ready, but not really.

Lots of pot.

F.A.I.L.

Sorry I haven’t been around to comment much, I’ve been reading tons – but with each day that passes, I isolate myself more and more … ignoring the phone, text messages, simple emails, going places, etc. Yeah.

I love, yearn for and miss … something. Maybe I haven’t even had it yet. VOID.

 

Wow

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve posted, I feel guilty about my lack of commitment and even more so like I’m letting those I’ve been following closely, down. I think about posting regularly, I just don’t do it … I’m feeling so socially disconnected from the outside world right now. 😩

I’ve been eating ok and sticking with my work-outs, but I’m ashamed to report that I’m smoking again and have a nice little stash of pot sitting in front of me.

I’ve been in and out of a dark place these past few weeks, honestly, truth be told – I’m always in the damn place, it’s just some moments (it’s never a full day) I’m able to push shit aside, ignore it, pretend it isn’t there. Or maybe it’s just that I pretend I’m another person and this isn’t really my life at all.

I need to see the doctor again, but I’m always putting it off or not showing up for my appointments because I worry she’s judging me or just bored with hearing the same bullshit and self-pity garbage over and over, at least that’s all I feel it equates too sometimes. I desperately want to talk to somebody, a professional and feel they’re genuinely interested in what I’m saying and wanting to help me help myself get better, but those appointments I miss as well. Never to re-book of course.

Lately, I’m feeling like I look so damn old, 39 going on 73. Lines around my eyes are becoming more noticable every day it seems and I can’t stop this damn scrunching and squinting. Now, I’m doing the ‘clearing your throat’ sound over and over and over, I try not to do these things – but I JUST CAN’T STOP. My weight and self-image has been the worst battle when it comes to how I feel about myself, and that alone has made me about as anti-social as thought possible, and now I’ve all this weird shit I’m doing with my face and throat to add to it. It’s so embarrassing.

It isn’t just social situations I’ve problems with … I can’t keep a damn job it seems. I’m like a damn serial jobist, I get them easy, sometimes I actually enjoy them, but sooner or later, it’s the people – being around them all the time, getting to know people, I always feel the need after a few months, sometimes weeks, to get away, to escape. Always a need to try to isolate myself just to avoid human contact outside of the home. It’s taking its toll on me, I’m getting restless, increasing bored with my life and feel as though I bring nothing good to those with the misfortune that actually get to spend any time around me. Most of the time, we’re behind damn screens doing jack shit anyway and it’s likely safe but sad to say that my emotional issues have rubbed off onto my kids. I can’t help but consume myself with the thoughts that they’d be better off without me, since I do nothing to motivate them and likely bring them down anyway.

I miss living, where do I begin? I’m consumed with emotional baggage I need to let go of, it’s making me NUTS. I just can’t do this everyday for another 15, 20 years – there will be nothing left of me.

 

 

Whatever

So many things have been going through my head today these past few days – a couple of times I thought about stopping what I was doing (which was likely just being on the damn computer) and posting here, but then I say to myself, why effing bother? Same shit OVER AND OVER, ain’t it?

Been thinking a lot about the people who have been in and out of my life, the decisions I’ve made in the past and how lightly I’d taken some things and how the consequences of my actions have made me who I am and have me where I am today. Feel like I’ve lost so much of myself, sometimes I’ve no idea who I really am or if I even like myself. I can’t stick to anything, I promise to do things I more than often don’t do and worst of all, I’ve given my kids this wonderful life of living in a fucking shit hole of a nasty town and wondering some days if they’re gonna eat or be able to afford a second pair of underwear, once they’ve grown out of the 3 pairs they have. Financially, things haven’t been bad these past few weeks, but the goodness never lasts.

I’m having panic attacks, a hard time getting to sleep and when I finally do, it’s a bitch to get up in the morning, if it’s still morning at all. Having problems concentrating, staying on task, always feel like I’m dragging my ass, headaches at random, a bit cranky and ridiculously anti-social lately, crying easily and flat-out feeling mentally exhausted, useless and beat down.

I’ve still not seen the doctor again regarding my medications, I keep thinking that maybe I’ll one day ‘snap’ out of this or that it’s a phase and I’ll be alright, etc.

I’m still eating healthy and exercising, I kinda thought a lot of this would go away or at least it’d help, but aside from the scale moving (slow but steady) I’m not feeling any different and my ‘head’ hasn’t become any more clear. Yes, I assumed it would make a huge difference, isn’t it supposed to?

I’m back to smoking, well, kinda. 6-7 a day now, I honestly don’t give a shit anymore. Same with the pot, I have it, I’m smoking it here in a bit and thankfully, I’ve been managing my eating just FINE.

I can’t keep writing things like this, it’s boring the ass off me.

Letting myself down

I’ve slipped back into the hole, I just don’t get it.

I’ve given up pot, smoking, was taking my meds, working out regularly, eating right, etc, until a couple of days ago. BAM. FUCKING POW. First just a ‘little’ pot, then a ‘little’ more, but then hey, someone offers you a sweet deal and I think o yeah, I can handle this, I’m OK – and here I am again on a fucking bender it feels like. High every night, ignoring everyone, text messages I rarely check till I feel like actually moving and saying the hell with the meds.

Maybe they were helping more than I think, at least I felt like I was in control better when I actually stick with them, but one of the worst side effects is that it can make rubbing one-off near impossible, it’s like everything goes numb down there and I often feel somewhat sedated on them – and not the fun kind of sedated either… it frustrates me so damn bad sometimes.

Back to the drawing board tomorrow, I’ll still have some pot left though, why did I do this? One thing I believe to be true of smoking point, and more now than ever that it DOES rob you of any motivation.

 

I’ll be damned. Another one of my many rotten vices is caffeine. I keep telling myself I’m gonna try to do it black, no sugar – but really, I find it tastes like ass. Was checking over the calories and between the Coffee Mate (It’s rich & creamy, what’s not to love?!) and my one (heaping teaspoon of sugar) my cups of coffee are a miserable 80 cals EACH. O. my. word.

This was one of my resolutions, to consume not more than 2 … I think 160 cals for only 2 cups of coffee is ridiculous. So do I force myself to get used to it black or only have that one in the morning or what? Advice needed regarding caffeine indeed. 😐

Smoking. Did fine till today … my neighbor popped in asking for a drive and at first I didn’t want to, but then I thought, hmm … she’s a smoker! She gave me one when I was with her, then another for tonight. It was delicious to be honest. God I miss them. I feel like I’m picking at food and wanting to eat/snack more – poor excuse perhaps, but it’s just the way it is. It’s like before, I’d have a puff instead of wanting to nibble on something and let’s face it, all that nibbling adds up. 😩

I’ve still a little bit of pot left, not sure if I’ll smoke it tonight or not – but likely I will. God hates me by now no doubt. The weeds in my drawer, and I can smell it just thinking about it. Why does it relax me the way it does? May be a good night to finish it, seeing as how there isn’t much in the house to eat anyway.

Weigh-in was today … 171.5! I WAS SHOCKED. I’ve been messing up pretty bad in the evenings still, so not sure how I pulled it off. I wish I hadn’t started when I did though, set me back a week kinda. Hopefully next year around Christmas I’ll have a better grip on my eating habits at least, or so I’m thinking.

I’m feeling a bit like a loser tonight, I mean really – who the hell am I trying to fool with all this ‘getting myself on the right track’ BULLSHIT? Is it even making a difference? Is it me or do the people around you only notice the shit they think you shouldn’t be doing, but fail to notice when you stop and instead, only accuse you of still doing it anyway? I know that’s contradicting thing to say after admitting the above – but … you know what I mean, I think.

And I know it’s an old subject, but this damn Celexa crap is pissing me off. I’m getting so I’ve no feeling ‘down there’, in fact, it’s near fucking numb. I CAN’T STAND IT. And what’s worse, is that apparently after stopping this medication a person can have problems for weeks or years afterwards … sex in my opinion, is often a waste of time if I’m unable to get off. And I’m always tired, it’s a chore to get out of bed most days and I feel exhausted all the damn time. I’m gonna stop these. I’ve still the Geodon, and think I felt better when it was just that alone.

Enter Title Here

Hi.

Well, I must say I’ve had a much better day today … ate well (though I’m picking again tonight, ffs) had a good work out. Moods a little better, not sure what’s been going on with me to be honest, tired of feeling frustrated and about ready to give up some days I guess. Before I forget to mention it, I put my last cigarette out 12:am Jan 1st. I know it’s a good thing yes, but I’d still smoke one (or 10) if I had them.

I am so damn tired lately, always feel like I’m dragging my ass – why is that? I’m eating properly for the most part, getting some excercise, yet I am always tired. Could it be the meds after all? I’ve told the doctor a couple of times that I’ve been getting headaches, feeling sick off/on AND this stuff seriously desensitizes  my you know what and I HATE THAT! But I feel like she’s brushing me off and just tells me to stick with them. I don’t know, I’ve never been very good when it comes to taking anything regularly, so maybe she thinks they’re excuses and I’m trying to get out of taking them?

Anyway, I’d better go – I need to enforce this internet off at 10pm thing on school night … lead by example they say, ha. Whoever ‘they’ is.

Am I an Asshole?

Weigh-in today, packed 2.5 pounds back onto my ass again. I knew that would happen … and not to make excuses (though I’m gonna) I blame it on Christmas and the pot I smoked over those couple of days. No control over what I eat when I’m high. Well, I do, it’s just that I don’t give a shit.

I’m back on the wagon now though and no plans to fall off it again anytime soon. Time to stop smoking again, I know I’ll never be able to get back into running as long as I’m smoking these smelly, disgusting things. I quit for 4 years, then took it up again nearly 2 years ago.

I’ve so much to say tonight, but tired (it’s 1:46am), can’t sleep, lazy as hell …

Wait.

I’m an asshole I think.

I mean, and this is totally random, but, when I met ‘N’, it was within weeks of coming out of an unhealthy relationship. I met him through a mutual friend. I should tell you that he is significantly younger than I am. Anyway, at the time, I felt he was a godsend, had a special connection, understood each other, he really ‘got’ me, know what I mean? However, he was also someone to smoke pot with, we’d sit in the car for hours listening to Metallica or whatever else, smoke bowl after bowl and talk. We were ‘friends’ only. I started to go out on the weekends my kids were away and he’d always be the one to come pick me up or have those ‘talks’ with me when I’d cry uncontrollably and so on, this went on for nearly 7 months. Till one day … yeah, we did the nasty.

Truth be told, for the longest time he didn’t have more to contribute than a dick and some great conversation, but never had any money. And I do mean never, no job, no income at all. Eventually, it became something a little ‘more’ and like any other relationship, it’s goes through one phase to another … he’s still very much a part of my life and while I do love him, I’m hardly feeling fulfilled amongst other things. I don’t even know if it’s the ‘right’ kind of love to be honest. We’ve had arguments and have actually said to each other more than once that we didn’t really want each other, yet didn’t wanna see each other with anyone else. What the fuck does that even mean?

Now? We get along for the most part and that’s the problem. Kinda. I daydream about being with someone my own age, someone that’ll better understand the responsibilities of having teen-aged sons and a mortgage. What I once considered my rock, my safe place, I now sometimes see more as a paper weight.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate him if that makes any sense and I appreciate that he’s ‘there’ for me, but at my age – I just expected to be in a different place. Settled down, decent home, and so on. I’m not explaining this very well am I? *Sigh*

I’ve had men interested over the past couple of years that I’ve been interested in and honestly still wonder about a select few and often … but could it be I didn’t really feel that ‘connection’ like I thought  or did I feel they didn’t compare to him OR have I settled because it’s safe and I can be myself and he already knows how fucked up I really can be?

I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m not where I want to be and I don’t see the potential of even coming close to the future I dream of.

I hate how I think sometimes, doesn’t make me feel like a very good person.

Hi!

As you’ve probably already realized, this journal is regarding my new endeavour of  losing weight, as well as kicking a few nasty habits. I’ll be posting daily – but only fuck knows what it’ll bring.

I’m only one of several participants competing for $5000 and desperately need as much support as I can get. I’m hoping it’ll bring a little ‘self discovery’ to the table, and help me to better understand how I’d gotten into the rotten self-destructive behaviours I’d gotten in to begin with. I’m certain I’ll be shedding some sweat and tears over these next few months and undoubtedly, will experience as many highs and lows as a horny nun.

In a few days, I’ll be posting my ‘before’ picture (including stats), and every 4th week afterwards until I reach my goal weight, which will be announced after meeting with the dietitian and family doctor.

My official start date isn’t until over the next few days … and I’m as afraid as I am excited about the challenge. But one thing I am certain of, I’m ready to make anyone that assumes I ‘can’t do it’ eat their words.