Category: Money


It’s been damn near a month since I’ve posted. ūüė¶ The more I avoid it, the harder it’s become … but a certain fellow blogger that rather tickles my fancy, rather motivates me to get back into the ‘community’ and swing of things ~

God, where to start?

My trip to Alberta … left April 13th, returned April 30th. Had a few issues when first arriving to the airport, somewhat of a meltdown, feared the flight, the people, being abandoned, etc, etc. Ended up having a panic attack and thought I was having a heart attack – quite a¬†humiliating¬†and¬†embarrassing¬†experience it was. ¬†After I was calmed down, and made my way through security – it was a matter of minutes before the plane left the ground. I was there nearly 2 hours in advance. ūüėź

While I was in Alberta, I had very little opportunity to get on-line. My intentions were to divide my time up between my mothers and my aunts place, however, they ended up in a bit of a power struggle and I felt like a piece of rope in a game of tug-o-fucking-war. My aunt is bi-polar and her moods have escalated from awkward to completely out of control over the past several years. More on that another time.

My mother lives in a rather run down ‘ghetto’ area of Edmonton. She doesn’t mind it and says it isn’t too bad of an area … yes, just look at this photo taken just the down the road from her, in fact you can still see her apartment building from it. Ha.

Check out the ‘cable sign’ behind this … lol

Mom and I didn’t do much out of the ordinary, neither of us have much cash, so our time was spent watching movies, drinking coffee and arguing about my not wanting to move there.

My aunt lives a rather lavish life, hubby that works away making the big bucks so she spends her days shopping mostly. She treated me to several new clothes, which was very nice of her – but a bit uncomfortable at the same time. Not to mention I was over ridden with feelings of guilt knowing my kids could’ve used some new clothes themselves. She did promise to take me shopping for them, but I think she ‘forgot’, she does that a lot. But because she was being so kind to me most of the time, I didn’t feel right about reminding her.

My mood fluctuated a lot while I was there and during my stay with her, I¬†experimented¬†with burning. I felt then and feel now as though I deserve … I’m saving this for another post.

Weed habits are right back to what they were, with a few Night time¬†Tylenol’s¬†on the side.

Weight has been staying at approx 145 over these past few weeks, come Monday – I’ll get back on track with my working out. Right now I’m trying to get back on track with eating decent … or at least eating more than once a day.

The highlight of my trip was getting my hair done, a bit of pink in the front – it’s fading pretty damn fast though.

My oldest sons girlfriend took this picture earlier today, she took nearly 2 dozen in fact – and refused to settle till I smiled.

I know what they mean by ‘turkey neck’ now.

Omg, I so didn’t expect to be where I’m at, at my age. This July I’ll be the big 4-0, single and living similarly to the way I did 20 damn years ago. My oldest lives with his girlfriend, middle son will be 19 and moving away to work and it’s just the ‘baby’ left. Mind you, he’ll be 17 in May. ¬†Some days I’m really afraid I’ll be left alone in this big scary world.

I fear being single and to be honest, I’ve never allowed myself to be single for any length of time … 2 months tops – and even then I’ve likely spent time with someone.

This is the summer to say the fuck with men in general (well, I could occasionally get the odd piece, right? ha.) With that being said, I don’t seem to wear being single very well I’m afraid. Usually become more destructive than usual, meaning partying/drinking/running to the bars and as much as I hate to admit it, if I’m feeling really good, beyond the normal barriers most of us try to barricade ourselves with – I’ll even try to get laid here and there, which only results in my feeling dirty and whorish.

If there really is such a thing as woman being in their ‘prime’, I’m there. Some days, I’m hornier than a 10 peckered billy-goat. Sweet talk, I know. Thank you.

My Kerri is supposed to call me on Tuesday and let me know when to come in for the final bit of evaluating … really looking forward to getting all that the hell over with and seeing what their new diagnosis may be.

The new talk now with him, is that he’s leaving a week after I do (why the fuck is he doing that anyway instead of the original date, ffs) claims he’s only staying there a month, but as you can tell – instinct tells me otherwise, so I’m trying not to focus on it AT ALL between now and then, it’s a waste of time and there’s nothing I can do about it. I keep telling myself that just maybe it’s for the best, so yeah.

The reality of it all will sink in once I return and that’s the moment I’m fearing most … time to smoke a joint.

Speaking of which, I visited my neighbor last night, she isn’t much different from I … not sure why we don’t spend any time together. She does a lot of isolating too, guess that’s my answer. Anyway, I rolled a big, fat one and not only did we sit and relax, laugh (for a change!) but we also tried to figure a few things out to help ourselves … more on that later.

My kids and I got our matching tattoos a few days ago, means family:

O, and one more thing before I forget, I put some of the signs on the local auction site (though there’s 2000+ people already) and they’re doing alright, the auctioning isn’t over for them until the 20th, so I’ll report back what they sold for lol I don’t expect much more than 10 bucks, but it’s 10 bucks I didn’t have AND if I make lots of them with different sayings, maybe I’ll get lucky and be able to make a few bucks on the side. lol

Here’s what I mean:

Alright, time to spark it up.

This is going to be a long one, but I sincerely THANK and appreciate anyone that’ll take the time to read it and hopefully give me a little insight into how the hell I can ‘prepare’ myself for the events about to come, if that’s whatcha call them …

Before I start, I want to apologise for not keeping up with all of you, I feel really ashamed and like I’m letting people down over and over, which is something I’ve gotten really good at it seems, over the years. I want so much to be a part of this ‘community’, some of you I have grown quite fond of , genuinely care about what happens with you and regularly think of you outside of this miserable screen, yet, I fail to provide you the support I should be. And that certain somebody – I’m sure he knows who he is, who’s emails had suddenly stopped – I can’t help but assume I’ve said something I shouldn’t. I’m sorry.

Topics I need to cover:

  • Him leaving and is he BI?
  • Son and my credit card
  • EI running out
  • My on-going evaluations at the cuckoo clinic
  • Pot
  • Getting away

Him leaving and is he BI?

So. As a few of you may remember, and I’ll try to keep this short – I’ve had a friend, a guy friend, that I’ve been involved with for a few years now and he’s nearly 11 years younger. I met him shortly after this had happened and he became my best friend, my rock, a shoulder to cry on, etc. He knows me inside and out, I don’t have to pretend, cover up, explain any actions, nothing – he just knows and accepts me as is. But there have been issues over the past few years as well, issues I often wonder that may have been somewhat avoided had he been my age or at least experienced enough to understand the concept of responsibilities. Arguments regarding my kids at times, thinking they get away with too much or simply just being tired of them being around and having to think of them in the event we wanted¬†to order take-out (meaning, we gotta get them something too), etc. Silly things that as a parent, go without thinking. And Xbox CRAP … thinking it’s alright to spend 1/2 a paycheck on the shit when there are groceries or bills needing to be paid for, etc. Thankfully, those things weren’t too often, and regardless, nothing has been able to compare or put a dent into the connection, chemistry, or SAFETY NET we’ve built for each other.

I credit him for my still being here and with good reason. And though I realize our ‘weirdship’ is about as non-traditional as I am a mother, I love him and can’t imagine this life without him, nor do I want too. Truth is, I fear I’ll not be able to make it without him. Maybe more of a best friend in some ways, but it’s the closest to any stability I’ve had and mentally, he’s carried me a long way. I wish things were easier to explain.

He’s been talking about visiting his uncle and a friend in Ontario for nearly a year. Plans have been made before to go, but something else seemed to take priority and he didn’t end up going … so it’s been ‘the talk’ for quite some time.

The time has come. BUT, things are becoming a bit strange and at random, he’s acting … well, really odd to say the least.

The past month or so, almost daily he’s always asking me if I’m going anywhere and suggests that I do, if I didn’t plan on it. Or asking if I’m gonna be watching a movie with the kids ‘today’ or ‘whatever’ and so on … I feel as though he’s trying to get rid of me, though he says otherwise. He’s a bit short with me at random, and/or showing signs of dis-interest. Now, he’s telling me he wants to go and is considering not coming back. He has a drive there, but fuck knows not a cent for a plane ticket home. He’s telling me that he doesn’t love the kids, though he does care about them a lot. Telling me he’s ‘tired’ of everything (not much work here, always broke, kids being kids, etc) and needs to get away – but just doesn’t wanna do it if it means being away from me. He’s implied that he’s worried I’ll one day ‘need to be looked after’ (thinks I’m mentally unstable) and Jesus, the list goes on. Though he contradicts himself a lot. A part of me feels as though he’s waiting for me to give him the ‘OK’ to just go and spread his wings, but, I can’t do it.

And finally, a few notes regarding his¬†behavior¬†with the guy ‘friend’ he wants to visit.

They FLIRT when playing their games on Xbox, yes FLIRT. He spends hours a day now sometimes when he isn’t working and talks and laughs with this guy. In fact, the other day I kinda felt it was way over the top … I heard him laughing and saying something like “that made me kinda wet” … uh huh. It isn’t the first time I’ve heard him talking odd like that (odd for him, with a guy) … and the texting each other is non-stop, day and night. Is this normal behavior?! At 39 and with 6 brothers, I can tell you I’ve never heard that kinda talk unless the guy was either gay or bi.

Anyway, likely too much info to take in and my luck, not enough for anyone to accurately gimmie any advice so to speak. ūüė¶ I need him to come back home to me, you just don’t understand.

Son and my credit card

Well, well WELL.

This is the first time anything like I’m about to tell you has happened and I’ve said very little … overwhelmed perhaps. To the point … when I filed my return a couple of weeks ago, I ended up putting $500 on a pre-paid Visa. My 16-year-old son helped himself to it by using it online just once – however, somehow, the number ended up being stolen. Yesterday, I received an email telling me that ‘someone’ (some fucked up username) tried to use it, but the transaction was declined because there was only a credit of $6.34 on the damn card! I FREAKED. Cried, yelled, panicked, etc, because that was my emergency money, fuck knows I’ve never 2 cents to rub together most of the time. While on the phone with the credit card company, my sons strolls in and tells me not to ‘spazz out’ and that he had USED it, and only once. As you can imagine I was angry and told him it was stealing because he wasn’t given permission, etc. Since most of the transactions were done via Paypal, they had to speak to my son regarding the transaction he’d made and … now we’re waiting to see if and which transactions can be reversed/refunded. Jesus. GRR! The amount was well over $430. ūüė¶ The rest I’d spent locally. (Oldest sons birthday was March 10th)

EI running out and My on-going evaluations at the cuckoo clinic

The end of April my EI runs out and I am scared to death about what I’m going to do. I realize it’s a simple answer for most “GET A DAMN JOB” and likely I will and it’ll likely be something I enjoy, I may even be good at it. But it’ll only last a month or so and then I’ll be looking for something else. This is something I’ve been discussing with my therapist person. I don’t know what to call her, so for now on, I’m simply going to refer to her as ‘My Kerri’.

They’ve been putting me through one evaluation after another … apparently I’ve scored high on ‘something’ and they wanna take it further. I break down when I’m there, I’ve told her things I’ve not told another living soul. Honestly, a few things I feared she’d wanna have me arrested or committed for and rightfully so. ¬†I don’t think I realized how fuck up I really was till I started seeing her and I’m kinda scared at what’s going happen next or what will become of me. My Kerri seems to think I’ve some repressed feelings/issues, whatever that means. I’ve hardly any memory from being a child, aside from crying in the night and seeing myself whisper the words “I wanna go home”. And though I’ve a few memories of my grandmother (my grandparents raised me mostly) I’ve not a one of my grandfather except for when it came to watching the Dukes of Hazzard … he used to get really angry with me for not sitting with him to watch it.

Anyway, I’m thankful my Kerri is being so thorough, but it’s scaring me … I’ll touch more on that another time.

Pot

I don’t even know why I’m commenting on the weed, really. Yes, I’m still doing it. I’ve all kinds. I’ll give it up when I’m ready, whenever that is. But right now, it’s an escape and it’s working … it keeps me from hurting, thinking, caring and obsessing. End of.

Getting away

My aunt and mother lives out west and have been nagging me for a while to come visit, at their expense. Over the past month or so, I’ve isolated myself badly, have ignored everyone, them included, phone, texts, emails, etc. In fact, most days I ignore my email or turn my cell off just to make the avoiding easier. The more I do, the more I wanna do it. ūüė¶

Today, they finally got to me by sending my brother over … they want me to come visit, for 2 weeks, towards the middle of April. They suggested right now but I said I couldn’t just up and go. The boys are 16 and 18 and likely more capable of being left alone than I think, however, my oldest son and is girlfriend have agreed to stay here while I’m gone. I just fear the boys will say the hell with school when I’m gone. I’ve never been away from them for any length of time AND the timing is SHIT. EI runs out and ‘he’ plans on leaving around the 15th of April, so that’ll mean that I’ll end up leaving a few days before he does. Dear GAWD.

Should I go? I know they’re gonna book it asap and I’ll be seeing that confirmation code in my email … and I can’t change my mind once the ¬†money is spent. But I’m scared. Scared of everything it seems. Big pussy.

——————————————————————————————————————————

I really hope that anyone that reads this is able to make heads or tails out of it … I’d give anything to be able and letcha into my head right now. xxx

Grrr!

Only down a pound from last week, I know it’s gonna happen every so often but it’s still a disappointment. ūüė¶

I’ve been working so hard … but, this morning after weighing myself, I got right back at it and had a helluva workout. Doing 2 days on, one-off now. For me to make this a regular part of my life I need the commitment to be one that I actually stick with and won’t complain about trying to maintain, I hope this is enough. I do try to make ever second of my workouts count – so I’m confidant this is OK.

I’ve a bit of a student loan kicking in soon and yes, I know what it’s meant for but I really want this pink (yes PINK!) set of furniture I found on Kijiji. They’re only asking $150 for it and it’s the couch, loveseat and chair – very good condition and they’ll even deliver it for another $10. Should I or shouldn’t I? I need decent furniture.

Anyway, it’s 2:24pm and I’ve very little I feel like doing, though much I could do. Clean, study, bid on a few jobs via GAF, but I just can’t be bothered. Think I’ll play a game or two on Pogo. Ha.

Well Then

I’ve been so busy catching up on everyone elses posts, I’ve neglected to update on my wonderful life. Ha.

Wednesday was my ‘weigh in’ … lost 6 pounds the first week! That was the result of eating properly … today for only the second time, I’ve managed to toss some good old-fashioned exercise into the mix. Treadmill, 30 minutes, nearly died. It’s been so long.

Christmas is done, all I’ll be doing at least.

My mood has been shit, tired, lazy, cranky, feeling sorry for myself, not wanting to bother with anyone, ignoring the phone, texts, etc. Same shit different day yeah. Falling behind in bills again. I find that in order to keep up with one bill, I fall behind in another, never a happy medium. So tired of this shit, tired of talking about it, tired of writing about it, tired of worrying about it. 39 years old and I feel 90 some days. Speaking of which, I can see crows feet or whatever you call it forming around my eyes, I think. ūüė¶ Holy eff.

Think it’s time I’ve written about my personal life, the man thing … in desperate need of some advice. Life is going nowhere, can’t imagine anything improving in this shit hole of a town and if I hear one more person say to me ‘life is whatcha make it’ I’m gonna kick em in the #$#@*!

I’ll save it for tomorrow, gonna stick Revolution Road in and fall asleep.

I feel that Gawd hates me and I don’t know why
My heart pains daily and I just wanna cry

I’ve texted my dealer he’s replied with a grin
I know it’s been weeks but I’m about to give in

I long for stability, I’m so fucking tired
I’m really longing to get completely wired

$$$

Why is there never enough of it anyway? Money. I’ve bought all the gifts I can really, but have gotten my two younger sons a little more (they’re 16 & 18) than my first-born baby of 21 years. He lives with his girlfriend and I know they do their thing Christmas morning just like anyone else, but I feel guilty that I didn’t get him the same as the other two. Still got him what I refer to as a ‘big’ gift, but only a couple of things besides, whereas the other two weren’t spoiled by any means (and nothing too expensive this year *cries*), but got additional things (stocking) and clothes. Do you know what I mean? Is that alright? Or should it still be equal? I’ve always wonder if this is acceptable or not.

God I love my kids, I mean I LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM and sometimes fear I don’t show it enough or say the right things, or guide them properly, etc. I hate when they ask for simple things that most kids have or lunch money when I don’t have it or that their rooms look somewhat ‘ghetto’ (the 16 year old said that one day, then chuckled about it, though I do think he meant it) with their mismatched sheets and furniture and so on. If I had the money, they likely would have everything they asked for … within reason of course. But they’d never want for anything, go without the ‘in style’ clothes or go hungry. It’s hard being mom and dad both, I’m finding the boys to be a challenge at times. But on the bright side, at their ages – none of them wanna run the roads, drink, do drugs (yeah, was just mom – and more on that tomorrow) or drink, and so on. So I consider myself lucky. Sure, they’re a little mouth at times, but it’s better in my opinion, than having them getting into trouble and always wondering where they are, what they’re doing, etc.

And they know what it’s like to struggle, we’ve had times that I’d scrounge up¬† 3 or 4 bucks and head to the grocery store to buy as many Mr Noodles as it would allow. I remember bitching at them about not eating them all so they’d have something for ‘tomorrow’ or for their lunch at school, jesus. thank god those days are over – and be damned if we’re ever in that situation again. I feel so bad sometimes for the life I’ve given them, but I’ll save that for another time.

My eating is going great and though I still feel the grocery bill has gone up a notch, I’m trying my best to make the best decisions while shopping. Haven’t gotten to the exercise yet, but I’m planning to jump on the treadmill tomorrow, even if it’s only for 20 minutes gotta start somewhere, right?

Anyway, this was a little random again, several things on my mind but feeling a bit sickish tonight. Those meds for some reason and all of a sudden are making me feel crappy, at least I think it’s the meds.

Failure

I think I’ve failed as a parent and a friend. God knows I’d failed at being a wife and girlfriend, my track record proves it.

I’m in such a dark place right now … I can’t help but cry because I’ve nothing to smoke. Tomorrow, I may very well pick up a few grams. Tonight, sadly, I’ve popped a few pills, just to numb and relax me a bit. I’d like to get one thing straight, I don’t want to give up pot for any other reason than the fact I can’t control my eating habits when I’m high, it should be enough, I know. But it isn’t. Not right now at least. And with Wednesday being my big ‘starting’ day, I should be just saying the hell with it and working on changing my routines, ALL routines to some extent, so what’s wrong with me that I haven’t? I’m fixated on feeling down, ashamed, guilt … truth be told I can barely make ends meet as it is and with Christmas coming it’s making me all the more … I don’t know what the word is. I’m such a disappointment to my family, my sons. I’ve made so many promises that we’re going to do this or that and I do mean them, but when the time comes – money won’t allow it. Currently I’m a student as well as on Employment Insurance, but scared to death of what will happen when it runs out, which I believe is around the first of May.

I’ve had one dead-end job after another, you know the kind – not much more than minimum wage, no benefits, those are hard to get around here. In fact, jobs in general are pretty scarce.

My family has money, I don’t mind you, I don’t think I really exist to any of them. I wouldn’t expect any handouts or such, but it would be nice if they’d drop by or give me a call once in a while and say ‘hey’. Some acknowledgement that I’m still breathing would be nice. It isn’t like I haven’t tried, but the thing is … when I still had my house, and a nice car and a great income, I was included in family events, etc. Since I’ve sold my house (I almost lost it), took my car back to the dealership and left that job – I stopped existing. I swear they judge and define a person by what they have.

I have this great competition coming up and it’s for a minimum of $5000, my worst fear is that I’ll not be able to afford decent groceries, I haven’t been able to so far – so … yeah.

My days are so up and down, or should I say my moods. Not interested in socializing in the least, talking on the phone or answering texts. ūüė¶

I hardly provide my kids with what they need, nevermind anything else. Nice clothes, most of them are used the few they have. Shit lunches, fucking Mr. Noodles – GARBAGE. Their rooms look so damn ghetto, broken, mis-matched furniture, and think we’ve all just the one set of sheets. I’m educated, have a great resume – but it isn’t enough. I bang on about wanting them to continue their education when they’re done highschool but who am I kidding? I’ll never be able to pay for it, and student loans here are so difficult to get without ‘parents with money’ or co-signers, and we all know nobody wants any part of that. My father is a drunk and my mother lives far away.

Is this IT? Is this all life will ever be? Where the hell is my prince charming and why do I always end up settling for the bad boy fucks with no damn direction or goals in their life anyway? A man with something more to contribute to a relationship than a dick would be nice. But why would I want to bring anyone into ‘my world’ when I’ve nothing to offer aside from crying and feeling miserable all the time?

When I’m ‘Ok’, it’s as if I’ve manged to push my worries aside, ‘mask’ them. I feel worthless, tired, lazy, like I’ve nothing to give and as if I’m wasting away. Some days, I really consider leaving this world and the only thing that stops me is that I can’t imagine who would look after my youngest and treat him right, he’s 16. I can’t explain it. I’d gone to my doctor once and told her that I’ve thought about the following scenario time and time again: leaving this fucking place and taking him with me.

This post was all over the place, I’m aware of that.

I miss my kids`

My oldest lives with his girlfriend and we only speak once every few days. Occasionally, I’ll pick them up so they can borrow my car or take them for a coffee, etc. My younger 2 (ages 16 &18) sadly spend the majority of their time behind a damn screen, playing Xbox. I guess I’m really to blame as I’m not much better. I do try and take them out and we ‘run the roads’ a bit when we can (or when the gas money allows it) but as far as watching movies together, etc, they just never seem interested. In one hand I feel I’m lucky that at their ages they don’t wanna be out running around, yet at the same time, there is so much more we could be doing other than hiding in our rooms. ūüė¶

Today has been a very strange day. I did smoke the bit of pot I had last night, and surprisingly I didn’t end up stuffing my face, however, since early this evening, I’ve felt ‘bitchy’, irritated and haven’t stopped thinking about it. I feel as though I’ve said goodbye to an old friend ffs. Pathetic I know.

But somehow, and I know it’s hard for some people to comprehend – but it makes me forget and not care and not worry, even when I eat, it’s just ‘who gives a shit’, I mean I don’t even think about. I don’t have the need to cry and feel as though I’m mourning over anything … whatever it may be. Life suppose, and the fact that I miss it. Miss who I was, miss what I used to have, miss having fucking money. (Don’t tell me it doesn’t bring happiness.) Because when my kids have food regularly, those pesky little things they ask for (Xbox points, new trendy ‘in’ clothes, cash for lunches at school instead of damn pb&j sandwhiches and/or Mr Noodles) my bills are paid, and I can afford cable and a house phone, it would most def bring me some damn happiness.

I simply can’t be bothered getting into anymore detail than I have tonight.