Tag Archive: depression


STFU. No, seriously. STFU.

If there is one thing I’m tired of it’s hearing over and over again “O, you just need to learn how to be happy, move on or forget about things” or “You’ll be ok, you just need to get out (more)”, after trying so desperately and accurately to explain where my head is, that’s right, where it’s AT – it isn’t as simple as a collection of ‘feelings’.

There are so many damn stigmas regarding Depression and conditions alike. People judge what they don’t understand.

I would like to say that, in my opinion, those judging should consider themselves fortunate, as they’ve never been there .

To my wonderful and judgemental friend, please have a read.

And no apology necessary, I ‘ve already accepted your ignorance.

I’m a bit cranky … tired and desperately need to be heard.

Wow

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve posted, I feel guilty about my lack of commitment and even more so like I’m letting those I’ve been following closely, down. I think about posting regularly, I just don’t do it … I’m feeling so socially disconnected from the outside world right now. 😦

I’ve been eating ok and sticking with my work-outs, but I’m ashamed to report that I’m smoking again and have a nice little stash of pot sitting in front of me.

I’ve been in and out of a dark place these past few weeks, honestly, truth be told – I’m always in the damn place, it’s just some moments (it’s never a full day) I’m able to push shit aside, ignore it, pretend it isn’t there. Or maybe it’s just that I pretend I’m another person and this isn’t really my life at all.

I need to see the doctor again, but I’m always putting it off or not showing up for my appointments because I worry she’s judging me or just bored with hearing the same bullshit and self-pity garbage over and over, at least that’s all I feel it equates too sometimes. I desperately want to talk to somebody, a professional and feel they’re genuinely interested in what I’m saying and wanting to help me help myself get better, but those appointments I miss as well. Never to re-book of course.

Lately, I’m feeling like I look so damn old, 39 going on 73. Lines around my eyes are becoming more noticable every day it seems and I can’t stop this damn scrunching and squinting. Now, I’m doing the ‘clearing your throat’ sound over and over and over, I try not to do these things – but I JUST CAN’T STOP. My weight and self-image has been the worst battle when it comes to how I feel about myself, and that alone has made me about as anti-social as thought possible, and now I’ve all this weird shit I’m doing with my face and throat to add to it. It’s so embarrassing.

It isn’t just social situations I’ve problems with … I can’t keep a damn job it seems. I’m like a damn serial jobist, I get them easy, sometimes I actually enjoy them, but sooner or later, it’s the people – being around them all the time, getting to know people, I always feel the need after a few months, sometimes weeks, to get away, to escape. Always a need to try to isolate myself just to avoid human contact outside of the home. It’s taking its toll on me, I’m getting restless, increasing bored with my life and feel as though I bring nothing good to those with the misfortune that actually get to spend any time around me. Most of the time, we’re behind damn screens doing jack shit anyway and it’s likely safe but sad to say that my emotional issues have rubbed off onto my kids. I can’t help but consume myself with the thoughts that they’d be better off without me, since I do nothing to motivate them and likely bring them down anyway.

I miss living, where do I begin? I’m consumed with emotional baggage I need to let go of, it’s making me NUTS. I just can’t do this everyday for another 15, 20 years – there will be nothing left of me.

 

 

The Versatile Blogger Award

Thank you kindly to the sweet Nessa. Nessa is a talented writer (though often a painful story, they’re always filled with raw emotion and always told beautifully), if only I could give advice the way she does … please visit and show her support! xxx

The Rules are:

1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post.

Thank you again for thinking of me Nessa!

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

  • I am obsessed with anything pink and sparkly, have several stuffed animals and Hello Kitty items. When shopping for something I need or want, if it comes in pink – you can be certain that’s the one I’ll pick out.
  • I’ve 7 brothers, no sisters, 3 sons, no daughters. (Likely justification for the above, self-explanatory I think! Lol)
  • I’m terrified of most bugs, spiders are the worst. Refuse to go through car washes (scared. to. death.), birds scare me and I’m moderately claustrophobic.
  • Over the past year have been diagnosed with BPD, borderline bi-polar (I’m uncertain as to what borderline means, to be honest) and manic depression.
  • I’m currently in a competition to lose weight, in which the winner could potentially win a prize of $5000. I have until July 1st to meet my goal of 130lbs.
  • I enjoy decorative painting, reading and designing websites. But with that said, am easily distracted, have a hard time staying on task so it can sometimes take me quite a while to actually finish anything I’ve started. Sometimes, I do have major boosts of energy and will-power where I’ll get things that have been lingering, ignored or put off for weeks, finished up in an afternoon.
  • I no longer consider Marijuana “harmless”.

3. Pass this award along to 15 recently discovered blogs you enjoy reading.

15 10 is a lot, this won’t be easy! These are in no particular order …

1. The Musings of Dave I’ve actually just stumbled across his blog and find he covers some rather interesting topics and can be a little humoursly entertaining to boot!

2. Luke Dear Lukey. Not for the faint of heart perhaps (I don’t know how else to say it). The man is very direct regarding his experiences, needs, wants, etc. But with that said, he’s grown on me and I’m interested in following and watching him discover the “Why do I’s”.

3. Melissa Melissa has a lot on her plate. I appreciate the honesty in her posts and feel I ‘connect’ on a variety of levels.

4. Frisky Mittens I love reading her honest and emotionally filled poetry, though it often leaves me teary eyed. Sweet girl, she deserves all the support in the world. I’m so thankful for the support she’s given me. ♥

5. SMHB Sweet guy, also on a mission to better his health and lifestyle … please show him some support!

6. A Lonely Runner A gentle man, but so hard on himself … he’s going through a rough time and I wish him the best in 2012. ♥

7. Amber One of my biggest supporters … I only wish I could give her advice as valuable as she’s given me. Beautiful writer and there hasn’t been a post yet, that hasn’t held my interest and kept me coming back for more. ♥

8. Brenda I love her fun and ‘crafty’ recipes. I know it sounds a little odd considering I’m on a lose weight endeavour, but have a look – and you’ll see why I’m so addicted to least checking each and every one of her posts out! 😛

9. Alyssa Need some advice? Here’s a go to girl … Alyssa posts some interesting stuff and with her witty comments, it always makes for an interesting and fun read.

10. Melanie Melanie is beautiful, honest and I find her so motivating … she has a huge influence on me and my want to get healthier. ♥

4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.

And I’m off!

What a mood

Been a long, boring, tedious bullshit of a day. Doctors appointment for weigh in, etc is Wenesday morning, and I’ll also be meeting with the dietitian, so that’ll make Wednesday my official starting day.

Gonna fill the bowl and smoke a bit now – going to enjoy it but gonna try not to stuff my effing face, I say that now, ha. Knowing I’ve still 8 days before I start – in one hand makes me wanna take advantage, but Jesus, since I’ve found out I was gonna be doing this I’ve put on another 5 pounds. Lazy slob I am lately, christ. Mind you, I could just smarten the hell up now, but … *gives head a hard shake*

Irritated tonight, worried about bills, Christmas, and so on. Bills are pretty much caught up, but it hardly leaves anything for Christmas, fuck I get tired of this shit.

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day and hopefully I’ll not be feeling as useless.