Tag Archive: weed


New pictures finally added to the before and after.

Is it just me, or are things really fucked up about now?

I’ve spent most of the day numb … I seem to be successfully teaching myself how to shut down at times, it doesn’t always work for me and sometimes works at the reverse moments I want it too, but I’m getting better at it. I spilled an entire ‘bowl’ a little while ago and didn’t give a rats ass, then re-filled it good and took a nice long haul off it … burned my finger. It fascinated me. So I’ve experimented a little. I’ve found something I can control.

4 days left with him. This is just the most fucked up situation and I haven’t the strength to explain it. I only need to survive my arriving day home, April 3oth, I fear that day, I really mean it and that scares me.

I’ve not been sleeping well, up all hours of the night off/on, then wanting to sleep all damn day – so around 10:30 I took a couple of those night-time Tylenol and smoking another bowl now, so all should be better tonight and I’ll get some ZzZzzzz “

 

This is going to be a long one, but I sincerely THANK and appreciate anyone that’ll take the time to read it and hopefully give me a little insight into how the hell I can ‘prepare’ myself for the events about to come, if that’s whatcha call them …

Before I start, I want to apologise for not keeping up with all of you, I feel really ashamed and like I’m letting people down over and over, which is something I’ve gotten really good at it seems, over the years. I want so much to be a part of this ‘community’, some of you I have grown quite fond of , genuinely care about what happens with you and regularly think of you outside of this miserable screen, yet, I fail to provide you the support I should be. And that certain somebody – I’m sure he knows who he is, who’s emails had suddenly stopped – I can’t help but assume I’ve said something I shouldn’t. I’m sorry.

Topics I need to cover:

  • Him leaving and is he BI?
  • Son and my credit card
  • EI running out
  • My on-going evaluations at the cuckoo clinic
  • Pot
  • Getting away

Him leaving and is he BI?

So. As a few of you may remember, and I’ll try to keep this short – I’ve had a friend, a guy friend, that I’ve been involved with for a few years now and he’s nearly 11 years younger. I met him shortly after this had happened and he became my best friend, my rock, a shoulder to cry on, etc. He knows me inside and out, I don’t have to pretend, cover up, explain any actions, nothing – he just knows and accepts me as is. But there have been issues over the past few years as well, issues I often wonder that may have been somewhat avoided had he been my age or at least experienced enough to understand the concept of responsibilities. Arguments regarding my kids at times, thinking they get away with too much or simply just being tired of them being around and having to think of them in the event we wanted to order take-out (meaning, we gotta get them something too), etc. Silly things that as a parent, go without thinking. And Xbox CRAP … thinking it’s alright to spend 1/2 a paycheck on the shit when there are groceries or bills needing to be paid for, etc. Thankfully, those things weren’t too often, and regardless, nothing has been able to compare or put a dent into the connection, chemistry, or SAFETY NET we’ve built for each other.

I credit him for my still being here and with good reason. And though I realize our ‘weirdship’ is about as non-traditional as I am a mother, I love him and can’t imagine this life without him, nor do I want too. Truth is, I fear I’ll not be able to make it without him. Maybe more of a best friend in some ways, but it’s the closest to any stability I’ve had and mentally, he’s carried me a long way. I wish things were easier to explain.

He’s been talking about visiting his uncle and a friend in Ontario for nearly a year. Plans have been made before to go, but something else seemed to take priority and he didn’t end up going … so it’s been ‘the talk’ for quite some time.

The time has come. BUT, things are becoming a bit strange and at random, he’s acting … well, really odd to say the least.

The past month or so, almost daily he’s always asking me if I’m going anywhere and suggests that I do, if I didn’t plan on it. Or asking if I’m gonna be watching a movie with the kids ‘today’ or ‘whatever’ and so on … I feel as though he’s trying to get rid of me, though he says otherwise. He’s a bit short with me at random, and/or showing signs of dis-interest. Now, he’s telling me he wants to go and is considering not coming back. He has a drive there, but fuck knows not a cent for a plane ticket home. He’s telling me that he doesn’t love the kids, though he does care about them a lot. Telling me he’s ‘tired’ of everything (not much work here, always broke, kids being kids, etc) and needs to get away – but just doesn’t wanna do it if it means being away from me. He’s implied that he’s worried I’ll one day ‘need to be looked after’ (thinks I’m mentally unstable) and Jesus, the list goes on. Though he contradicts himself a lot. A part of me feels as though he’s waiting for me to give him the ‘OK’ to just go and spread his wings, but, I can’t do it.

And finally, a few notes regarding his behavior with the guy ‘friend’ he wants to visit.

They FLIRT when playing their games on Xbox, yes FLIRT. He spends hours a day now sometimes when he isn’t working and talks and laughs with this guy. In fact, the other day I kinda felt it was way over the top … I heard him laughing and saying something like “that made me kinda wet” … uh huh. It isn’t the first time I’ve heard him talking odd like that (odd for him, with a guy) … and the texting each other is non-stop, day and night. Is this normal behavior?! At 39 and with 6 brothers, I can tell you I’ve never heard that kinda talk unless the guy was either gay or bi.

Anyway, likely too much info to take in and my luck, not enough for anyone to accurately gimmie any advice so to speak. 😦 I need him to come back home to me, you just don’t understand.

Son and my credit card

Well, well WELL.

This is the first time anything like I’m about to tell you has happened and I’ve said very little … overwhelmed perhaps. To the point … when I filed my return a couple of weeks ago, I ended up putting $500 on a pre-paid Visa. My 16-year-old son helped himself to it by using it online just once – however, somehow, the number ended up being stolen. Yesterday, I received an email telling me that ‘someone’ (some fucked up username) tried to use it, but the transaction was declined because there was only a credit of $6.34 on the damn card! I FREAKED. Cried, yelled, panicked, etc, because that was my emergency money, fuck knows I’ve never 2 cents to rub together most of the time. While on the phone with the credit card company, my sons strolls in and tells me not to ‘spazz out’ and that he had USED it, and only once. As you can imagine I was angry and told him it was stealing because he wasn’t given permission, etc. Since most of the transactions were done via Paypal, they had to speak to my son regarding the transaction he’d made and … now we’re waiting to see if and which transactions can be reversed/refunded. Jesus. GRR! The amount was well over $430. 😦 The rest I’d spent locally. (Oldest sons birthday was March 10th)

EI running out and My on-going evaluations at the cuckoo clinic

The end of April my EI runs out and I am scared to death about what I’m going to do. I realize it’s a simple answer for most “GET A DAMN JOB” and likely I will and it’ll likely be something I enjoy, I may even be good at it. But it’ll only last a month or so and then I’ll be looking for something else. This is something I’ve been discussing with my therapist person. I don’t know what to call her, so for now on, I’m simply going to refer to her as ‘My Kerri’.

They’ve been putting me through one evaluation after another … apparently I’ve scored high on ‘something’ and they wanna take it further. I break down when I’m there, I’ve told her things I’ve not told another living soul. Honestly, a few things I feared she’d wanna have me arrested or committed for and rightfully so.  I don’t think I realized how fuck up I really was till I started seeing her and I’m kinda scared at what’s going happen next or what will become of me. My Kerri seems to think I’ve some repressed feelings/issues, whatever that means. I’ve hardly any memory from being a child, aside from crying in the night and seeing myself whisper the words “I wanna go home”. And though I’ve a few memories of my grandmother (my grandparents raised me mostly) I’ve not a one of my grandfather except for when it came to watching the Dukes of Hazzard … he used to get really angry with me for not sitting with him to watch it.

Anyway, I’m thankful my Kerri is being so thorough, but it’s scaring me … I’ll touch more on that another time.

Pot

I don’t even know why I’m commenting on the weed, really. Yes, I’m still doing it. I’ve all kinds. I’ll give it up when I’m ready, whenever that is. But right now, it’s an escape and it’s working … it keeps me from hurting, thinking, caring and obsessing. End of.

Getting away

My aunt and mother lives out west and have been nagging me for a while to come visit, at their expense. Over the past month or so, I’ve isolated myself badly, have ignored everyone, them included, phone, texts, emails, etc. In fact, most days I ignore my email or turn my cell off just to make the avoiding easier. The more I do, the more I wanna do it. 😦

Today, they finally got to me by sending my brother over … they want me to come visit, for 2 weeks, towards the middle of April. They suggested right now but I said I couldn’t just up and go. The boys are 16 and 18 and likely more capable of being left alone than I think, however, my oldest son and is girlfriend have agreed to stay here while I’m gone. I just fear the boys will say the hell with school when I’m gone. I’ve never been away from them for any length of time AND the timing is SHIT. EI runs out and ‘he’ plans on leaving around the 15th of April, so that’ll mean that I’ll end up leaving a few days before he does. Dear GAWD.

Should I go? I know they’re gonna book it asap and I’ll be seeing that confirmation code in my email … and I can’t change my mind once the  money is spent. But I’m scared. Scared of everything it seems. Big pussy.

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I really hope that anyone that reads this is able to make heads or tails out of it … I’d give anything to be able and letcha into my head right now. xxx

Wow

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve posted, I feel guilty about my lack of commitment and even more so like I’m letting those I’ve been following closely, down. I think about posting regularly, I just don’t do it … I’m feeling so socially disconnected from the outside world right now. 😦

I’ve been eating ok and sticking with my work-outs, but I’m ashamed to report that I’m smoking again and have a nice little stash of pot sitting in front of me.

I’ve been in and out of a dark place these past few weeks, honestly, truth be told – I’m always in the damn place, it’s just some moments (it’s never a full day) I’m able to push shit aside, ignore it, pretend it isn’t there. Or maybe it’s just that I pretend I’m another person and this isn’t really my life at all.

I need to see the doctor again, but I’m always putting it off or not showing up for my appointments because I worry she’s judging me or just bored with hearing the same bullshit and self-pity garbage over and over, at least that’s all I feel it equates too sometimes. I desperately want to talk to somebody, a professional and feel they’re genuinely interested in what I’m saying and wanting to help me help myself get better, but those appointments I miss as well. Never to re-book of course.

Lately, I’m feeling like I look so damn old, 39 going on 73. Lines around my eyes are becoming more noticable every day it seems and I can’t stop this damn scrunching and squinting. Now, I’m doing the ‘clearing your throat’ sound over and over and over, I try not to do these things – but I JUST CAN’T STOP. My weight and self-image has been the worst battle when it comes to how I feel about myself, and that alone has made me about as anti-social as thought possible, and now I’ve all this weird shit I’m doing with my face and throat to add to it. It’s so embarrassing.

It isn’t just social situations I’ve problems with … I can’t keep a damn job it seems. I’m like a damn serial jobist, I get them easy, sometimes I actually enjoy them, but sooner or later, it’s the people – being around them all the time, getting to know people, I always feel the need after a few months, sometimes weeks, to get away, to escape. Always a need to try to isolate myself just to avoid human contact outside of the home. It’s taking its toll on me, I’m getting restless, increasing bored with my life and feel as though I bring nothing good to those with the misfortune that actually get to spend any time around me. Most of the time, we’re behind damn screens doing jack shit anyway and it’s likely safe but sad to say that my emotional issues have rubbed off onto my kids. I can’t help but consume myself with the thoughts that they’d be better off without me, since I do nothing to motivate them and likely bring them down anyway.

I miss living, where do I begin? I’m consumed with emotional baggage I need to let go of, it’s making me NUTS. I just can’t do this everyday for another 15, 20 years – there will be nothing left of me.

 

 

Whatever

So many things have been going through my head today these past few days – a couple of times I thought about stopping what I was doing (which was likely just being on the damn computer) and posting here, but then I say to myself, why effing bother? Same shit OVER AND OVER, ain’t it?

Been thinking a lot about the people who have been in and out of my life, the decisions I’ve made in the past and how lightly I’d taken some things and how the consequences of my actions have made me who I am and have me where I am today. Feel like I’ve lost so much of myself, sometimes I’ve no idea who I really am or if I even like myself. I can’t stick to anything, I promise to do things I more than often don’t do and worst of all, I’ve given my kids this wonderful life of living in a fucking shit hole of a nasty town and wondering some days if they’re gonna eat or be able to afford a second pair of underwear, once they’ve grown out of the 3 pairs they have. Financially, things haven’t been bad these past few weeks, but the goodness never lasts.

I’m having panic attacks, a hard time getting to sleep and when I finally do, it’s a bitch to get up in the morning, if it’s still morning at all. Having problems concentrating, staying on task, always feel like I’m dragging my ass, headaches at random, a bit cranky and ridiculously anti-social lately, crying easily and flat-out feeling mentally exhausted, useless and beat down.

I’ve still not seen the doctor again regarding my medications, I keep thinking that maybe I’ll one day ‘snap’ out of this or that it’s a phase and I’ll be alright, etc.

I’m still eating healthy and exercising, I kinda thought a lot of this would go away or at least it’d help, but aside from the scale moving (slow but steady) I’m not feeling any different and my ‘head’ hasn’t become any more clear. Yes, I assumed it would make a huge difference, isn’t it supposed to?

I’m back to smoking, well, kinda. 6-7 a day now, I honestly don’t give a shit anymore. Same with the pot, I have it, I’m smoking it here in a bit and thankfully, I’ve been managing my eating just FINE.

I can’t keep writing things like this, it’s boring the ass off me.

Letting myself down

I’ve slipped back into the hole, I just don’t get it.

I’ve given up pot, smoking, was taking my meds, working out regularly, eating right, etc, until a couple of days ago. BAM. FUCKING POW. First just a ‘little’ pot, then a ‘little’ more, but then hey, someone offers you a sweet deal and I think o yeah, I can handle this, I’m OK – and here I am again on a fucking bender it feels like. High every night, ignoring everyone, text messages I rarely check till I feel like actually moving and saying the hell with the meds.

Maybe they were helping more than I think, at least I felt like I was in control better when I actually stick with them, but one of the worst side effects is that it can make rubbing one-off near impossible, it’s like everything goes numb down there and I often feel somewhat sedated on them – and not the fun kind of sedated either… it frustrates me so damn bad sometimes.

Back to the drawing board tomorrow, I’ll still have some pot left though, why did I do this? One thing I believe to be true of smoking point, and more now than ever that it DOES rob you of any motivation.

 

I’ll be damned. Another one of my many rotten vices is caffeine. I keep telling myself I’m gonna try to do it black, no sugar – but really, I find it tastes like ass. Was checking over the calories and between the Coffee Mate (It’s rich & creamy, what’s not to love?!) and my one (heaping teaspoon of sugar) my cups of coffee are a miserable 80 cals EACH. O. my. word.

This was one of my resolutions, to consume not more than 2 … I think 160 cals for only 2 cups of coffee is ridiculous. So do I force myself to get used to it black or only have that one in the morning or what? Advice needed regarding caffeine indeed. 😐

Smoking. Did fine till today … my neighbor popped in asking for a drive and at first I didn’t want to, but then I thought, hmm … she’s a smoker! She gave me one when I was with her, then another for tonight. It was delicious to be honest. God I miss them. I feel like I’m picking at food and wanting to eat/snack more – poor excuse perhaps, but it’s just the way it is. It’s like before, I’d have a puff instead of wanting to nibble on something and let’s face it, all that nibbling adds up. 😦

I’ve still a little bit of pot left, not sure if I’ll smoke it tonight or not – but likely I will. God hates me by now no doubt. The weeds in my drawer, and I can smell it just thinking about it. Why does it relax me the way it does? May be a good night to finish it, seeing as how there isn’t much in the house to eat anyway.

Weigh-in was today … 171.5! I WAS SHOCKED. I’ve been messing up pretty bad in the evenings still, so not sure how I pulled it off. I wish I hadn’t started when I did though, set me back a week kinda. Hopefully next year around Christmas I’ll have a better grip on my eating habits at least, or so I’m thinking.

I’m feeling a bit like a loser tonight, I mean really – who the hell am I trying to fool with all this ‘getting myself on the right track’ BULLSHIT? Is it even making a difference? Is it me or do the people around you only notice the shit they think you shouldn’t be doing, but fail to notice when you stop and instead, only accuse you of still doing it anyway? I know that’s contradicting thing to say after admitting the above – but … you know what I mean, I think.

And I know it’s an old subject, but this damn Celexa crap is pissing me off. I’m getting so I’ve no feeling ‘down there’, in fact, it’s near fucking numb. I CAN’T STAND IT. And what’s worse, is that apparently after stopping this medication a person can have problems for weeks or years afterwards … sex in my opinion, is often a waste of time if I’m unable to get off. And I’m always tired, it’s a chore to get out of bed most days and I feel exhausted all the damn time. I’m gonna stop these. I’ve still the Geodon, and think I felt better when it was just that alone.

Mary Jane

Wouldn’t ya know I had a great day, worked out – ate properly, but then … cleaned my room up a bit and guess what I find? Some very appealing poignant, green stuff. I’m pretty high right now to be honest and so far I’ve excellent control of the eating thing. Gawd it’s nice to have something to inhale. I feel so calm … and can’t be bothered to worry about anything, I’m just too consumed with things just ‘being’, does that make sense?

No fears. No worries. No pain.

My ass has melted into this chair, and the only one real thought I have is that being on Celexa makes it impossible to reach orgasm.

 

 

Fatttttttttt

Right, OK. So, I’m an idiot.

This is the final night of the weed, just finished it up. Fucked up my eating the other night, yesterday was shit (the right choices but seriously over ate) and today, well … chocolate and everything else ffs. Everyone keeps saying “It’s Christmas” blah blah blah, but, to myself I think NO FUCKING MORE EXCUSES!

On a lighter note, Christmas was nice. Had a great morning with my kids and then had ALL my boys together when my oldest and his girlfriend showed up. 🙂 Feels awkward sometimes though when they’re over, today did at least, things just so quiet … much of the talk was of nothing specifac. Can’t quite put my finger on it …

Anyway, I’ve fucked up, moods off and I feel frustrated, a little lazy and I’ve the energy of a nuns c^nt.

 

I wrote, deleted,wrote deleted, closed the page …

I wish I knew what I wanted.

In life, in men, from myself. I’m so up and down sometimes. Lost.  Frustrated. Discouraged. And very lonely in so many ways.

I wish I could understand why I’ve become the way I have,  so I could just stop it or at least better control it. These anti-depressant are bullshit and do nothing but give me headaches, make me feel nauseous half the time and make it impossible to rub one off.

1:22 am Christmas morning and I’m sitting in front of the computer, smoking a bowl, eating pistachios and popcorn and downing disgusting amounts of Pepsi. Yep, f a i l. I was giving myself the excuse that “it’s Christmas” so it was acceptable. Christmas, yeah, woopdee fuck.

I do look forward to my kids in the morning, it’s the only joy in Christmas for me – my boys, but aside from that, all it does is remind of the harsh reality of my future and where I’m going, or should I say not going …

Tomorrow’s a new day and I’m gonna get right back on the wagon, forget this didn’t happen and promise to not let it happen again.

Happy Christmas all xxx