Category: PROGRESS


R.I.P. Grammy

Tough and stubborn she was for 96 … after more than a week of taking turns spending the night (and sleeping very little) she finally passed away shortly after 3 this morning. Selfish perhaps, but I’m thankful I wasn’t the one with her last night. This past week has been long, tedious, sad and confusing.

I apologise for not keeping up with anyone, I’ll hopefully play catch up tonight, anxious to see how a few of you are doing and if you’re ‘Ok’. xxx

Was only down a half a pound on last weeks weigh-in, and though I did take the pictures – I’ve not had much time to get them up … will try and get that done over the next day or two.

xxx

 

 

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Down 2.5!

Now weighing in at 162.5! 🙂 3 weeks in a row it was only a pound, so this was kinda nice and def what I needed to keep my motivation high!

MyFitnessPal doesn’t register the ‘.5’ losses though, but that’s OK. Lol

I left a message with mental health yesterday asking to re-book, they called back, but I wasn’t here and missed it so will hopefully reach them today and can finally get an appointment to speak with a professional.

My sons (21, 18 & 16) have been long debating getting matching tattoos, and I’d like something simple, like the Chinese symbol for family.

The only problem is, we can’t agree on where to put it. I initially wanted it on the inside of the wrist, but my youngest doesn’t have any yet and at only 16, I don’t know that I’m really comfortable with that …

Anyway, we’ve been searching forever for other designs, ideas, etc that we could get – but to no avail. This is the only one we’ve all agreed on and that holds any meaning.

 

 

Slow and steady wins the race?

Jesus I hope so, only down a pound this week. 3 weeks in a row, grrrrrrrrrr!

What the %^&*#?!

Only down 1 pound this week 😦 Why is that? I’ve been working so hard, and this makes it the second week in a row that I haven’t moved the scales too awful  much. I’m working out 4/5 times a week and believe me, I’m working hard and making every second count. My eating has been as it should be, though I’m wondering if some days I’m not eating enough? Ha. I don’t know about that one. I say that because if I get up late, my breakfast is late, I’ll end up skipping lunch (because it’s too damn soon to eat again) supper as I normally would, then in the evening a bowl of cereal, fruit maybe – and a coffee at most.

I’ve noticed (finally!) my legs are starting to look toned and such, could it have anything to do with incorporating strength training into my workouts a couple of times a week or is it normal to have a couple of shit weeks to begin with?

I’m not really discouraged, ok, maybe a little, but I’m still motivated and have every intention on just sticking with it.  ♥

Grrr!

Only down a pound from last week, I know it’s gonna happen every so often but it’s still a disappointment. 😦

I’ve been working so hard … but, this morning after weighing myself, I got right back at it and had a helluva workout. Doing 2 days on, one-off now. For me to make this a regular part of my life I need the commitment to be one that I actually stick with and won’t complain about trying to maintain, I hope this is enough. I do try to make ever second of my workouts count – so I’m confidant this is OK.

I’ve a bit of a student loan kicking in soon and yes, I know what it’s meant for but I really want this pink (yes PINK!) set of furniture I found on Kijiji. They’re only asking $150 for it and it’s the couch, loveseat and chair – very good condition and they’ll even deliver it for another $10. Should I or shouldn’t I? I need decent furniture.

Anyway, it’s 2:24pm and I’ve very little I feel like doing, though much I could do. Clean, study, bid on a few jobs via GAF, but I just can’t be bothered. Think I’ll play a game or two on Pogo. Ha.

Just a Quickie

A quickie post, I only wish it were the other kind!

Anyway, my weigh-in was today …. *drum roll* Weighed in at 168lbs! A 3.5 pound losss this week. The 14th is picture taking time again, ick.

These past few days have been good, think I’ve been ‘better’ to myself in so many ways. More later!

I’ll be damned. Another one of my many rotten vices is caffeine. I keep telling myself I’m gonna try to do it black, no sugar – but really, I find it tastes like ass. Was checking over the calories and between the Coffee Mate (It’s rich & creamy, what’s not to love?!) and my one (heaping teaspoon of sugar) my cups of coffee are a miserable 80 cals EACH. O. my. word.

This was one of my resolutions, to consume not more than 2 … I think 160 cals for only 2 cups of coffee is ridiculous. So do I force myself to get used to it black or only have that one in the morning or what? Advice needed regarding caffeine indeed. 😐

Smoking. Did fine till today … my neighbor popped in asking for a drive and at first I didn’t want to, but then I thought, hmm … she’s a smoker! She gave me one when I was with her, then another for tonight. It was delicious to be honest. God I miss them. I feel like I’m picking at food and wanting to eat/snack more – poor excuse perhaps, but it’s just the way it is. It’s like before, I’d have a puff instead of wanting to nibble on something and let’s face it, all that nibbling adds up. 😦

I’ve still a little bit of pot left, not sure if I’ll smoke it tonight or not – but likely I will. God hates me by now no doubt. The weeds in my drawer, and I can smell it just thinking about it. Why does it relax me the way it does? May be a good night to finish it, seeing as how there isn’t much in the house to eat anyway.

Weigh-in was today … 171.5! I WAS SHOCKED. I’ve been messing up pretty bad in the evenings still, so not sure how I pulled it off. I wish I hadn’t started when I did though, set me back a week kinda. Hopefully next year around Christmas I’ll have a better grip on my eating habits at least, or so I’m thinking.

I’m feeling a bit like a loser tonight, I mean really – who the hell am I trying to fool with all this ‘getting myself on the right track’ BULLSHIT? Is it even making a difference? Is it me or do the people around you only notice the shit they think you shouldn’t be doing, but fail to notice when you stop and instead, only accuse you of still doing it anyway? I know that’s contradicting thing to say after admitting the above – but … you know what I mean, I think.

And I know it’s an old subject, but this damn Celexa crap is pissing me off. I’m getting so I’ve no feeling ‘down there’, in fact, it’s near fucking numb. I CAN’T STAND IT. And what’s worse, is that apparently after stopping this medication a person can have problems for weeks or years afterwards … sex in my opinion, is often a waste of time if I’m unable to get off. And I’m always tired, it’s a chore to get out of bed most days and I feel exhausted all the damn time. I’m gonna stop these. I’ve still the Geodon, and think I felt better when it was just that alone.

Am I an Asshole?

Weigh-in today, packed 2.5 pounds back onto my ass again. I knew that would happen … and not to make excuses (though I’m gonna) I blame it on Christmas and the pot I smoked over those couple of days. No control over what I eat when I’m high. Well, I do, it’s just that I don’t give a shit.

I’m back on the wagon now though and no plans to fall off it again anytime soon. Time to stop smoking again, I know I’ll never be able to get back into running as long as I’m smoking these smelly, disgusting things. I quit for 4 years, then took it up again nearly 2 years ago.

I’ve so much to say tonight, but tired (it’s 1:46am), can’t sleep, lazy as hell …

Wait.

I’m an asshole I think.

I mean, and this is totally random, but, when I met ‘N’, it was within weeks of coming out of an unhealthy relationship. I met him through a mutual friend. I should tell you that he is significantly younger than I am. Anyway, at the time, I felt he was a godsend, had a special connection, understood each other, he really ‘got’ me, know what I mean? However, he was also someone to smoke pot with, we’d sit in the car for hours listening to Metallica or whatever else, smoke bowl after bowl and talk. We were ‘friends’ only. I started to go out on the weekends my kids were away and he’d always be the one to come pick me up or have those ‘talks’ with me when I’d cry uncontrollably and so on, this went on for nearly 7 months. Till one day … yeah, we did the nasty.

Truth be told, for the longest time he didn’t have more to contribute than a dick and some great conversation, but never had any money. And I do mean never, no job, no income at all. Eventually, it became something a little ‘more’ and like any other relationship, it’s goes through one phase to another … he’s still very much a part of my life and while I do love him, I’m hardly feeling fulfilled amongst other things. I don’t even know if it’s the ‘right’ kind of love to be honest. We’ve had arguments and have actually said to each other more than once that we didn’t really want each other, yet didn’t wanna see each other with anyone else. What the fuck does that even mean?

Now? We get along for the most part and that’s the problem. Kinda. I daydream about being with someone my own age, someone that’ll better understand the responsibilities of having teen-aged sons and a mortgage. What I once considered my rock, my safe place, I now sometimes see more as a paper weight.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate him if that makes any sense and I appreciate that he’s ‘there’ for me, but at my age – I just expected to be in a different place. Settled down, decent home, and so on. I’m not explaining this very well am I? *Sigh*

I’ve had men interested over the past couple of years that I’ve been interested in and honestly still wonder about a select few and often … but could it be I didn’t really feel that ‘connection’ like I thought  or did I feel they didn’t compare to him OR have I settled because it’s safe and I can be myself and he already knows how fucked up I really can be?

I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m not where I want to be and I don’t see the potential of even coming close to the future I dream of.

I hate how I think sometimes, doesn’t make me feel like a very good person.

Well Then

I’ve been so busy catching up on everyone elses posts, I’ve neglected to update on my wonderful life. Ha.

Wednesday was my ‘weigh in’ … lost 6 pounds the first week! That was the result of eating properly … today for only the second time, I’ve managed to toss some good old-fashioned exercise into the mix. Treadmill, 30 minutes, nearly died. It’s been so long.

Christmas is done, all I’ll be doing at least.

My mood has been shit, tired, lazy, cranky, feeling sorry for myself, not wanting to bother with anyone, ignoring the phone, texts, etc. Same shit different day yeah. Falling behind in bills again. I find that in order to keep up with one bill, I fall behind in another, never a happy medium. So tired of this shit, tired of talking about it, tired of writing about it, tired of worrying about it. 39 years old and I feel 90 some days. Speaking of which, I can see crows feet or whatever you call it forming around my eyes, I think. 😦 Holy eff.

Think it’s time I’ve written about my personal life, the man thing … in desperate need of some advice. Life is going nowhere, can’t imagine anything improving in this shit hole of a town and if I hear one more person say to me ‘life is whatcha make it’ I’m gonna kick em in the #$#@*!

I’ll save it for tomorrow, gonna stick Revolution Road in and fall asleep.

I feel that Gawd hates me and I don’t know why
My heart pains daily and I just wanna cry

I’ve texted my dealer he’s replied with a grin
I know it’s been weeks but I’m about to give in

I long for stability, I’m so fucking tired
I’m really longing to get completely wired

O.M.G.

So, here they are, the before pictures … so embarrassing! I couldn’t wear anything dark, so this was the best (should I say the worst) I could do, certainly no damn camouflaging was there?!

Starting weight: 178.5 pounds.

Holy hell …

Picture updates will be every 4 weeks, weight will be updated every two. Alrighty then.