Tag Archive: men


Am I weird?

I really don’t have any friends. I’ve people I say hello too and ask how they’re doing in passing … but that’s it. The only people I speak to daily are my 2 kids still living home with me (sometimes that’s very little) and N. I’d be pretty damn lonely if he wasn’t in my life and quite honestly, him being nearly 10 years younger, I’m convinced that the day will come where he’ll wanna move on. Somedays I feel as though I’m waiting for it.

I’ve men that I’ve met in the past that I was interested in, yet just couldn’t make that break from N, soooo I believe I’d led each of them on to an extent. First there’s M, whom I met nearly 7 years ago now, back when I was thin and in shape for the first time since I was 17. He’d bring me coffee and come and chat a bit off/on at my place of work, even brought me a sweet birthday card and daisies (favorite flower) but then one day, I met a rotten prick and decided that being called ‘babe’ and knowing he had been in trouble a bit over the years was more appealing. This guy worked at a furniture store, and M is a phys-ed teacher. As sweet as M was, I’ve always thought that his only interest was finding a place to dump it … we’d lost touch a couple of years, then started talking/flirting, email only at first, then he’d come to see me at the store I was working in (yes, again) . And again, I went with the flow and kept it all going till I just couldn’t anymore. Gawd, I’m not making any sense am I? Point is, he’s tried to keep in touch all this time and is still interested even after my weight gain. I know I am, kinda. Always have been, kinda. I can’t help but question why a good looking, muscle-bound guy would want with me, unless of course I was right along and he’s still curious.

There’s J. He and I did the email, he too would come see me at work … text lots, etc, then BANG. I stop because I have too. Trapped, can’t get out of this or I’m alone and everything is different, or is that the problem? My heads all over the place …

Last, there’s D. I dunno why but this guy I go out of my way to avoid, he’s a sweet sweet guy, but I can’t – don’t want to see him face to face. He was the sweetest to me, and I led him on and then disappeared, I couldn’t go any further. I’ve wanted too, hearts wanted too – but something stops me. I still think of him and wish I could’ve just gone with it, but then I would’ve had no choice but to put N out of my life and when it boils down to it, I don’t know how or if I even want to or if my reasons are fair on the days I do want it, do you know what I mean?

N was there for me when I hit rock bottom, he was my rock I think and I fear that one day I’ll have regrets. As for D, Ive so badly wanted to email him at least and explain things, but I know that’s just NUTS.

Um. On another note I’ve noticed I’ve been doing some off shit over the past few … maybe months. I thought it would stop, but it seems to be getting worse. I’ve the need to constantly clear my throat and I keep twitching my face, like scrunching my eyes or blinking hard, etc, even when I’m working out – it’s making me wanna become less sociable than what I am if that’s possible, I fear somebody will see me do it.

Advertisements

Am I an Asshole?

Weigh-in today, packed 2.5 pounds back onto my ass again. I knew that would happen … and not to make excuses (though I’m gonna) I blame it on Christmas and the pot I smoked over those couple of days. No control over what I eat when I’m high. Well, I do, it’s just that I don’t give a shit.

I’m back on the wagon now though and no plans to fall off it again anytime soon. Time to stop smoking again, I know I’ll never be able to get back into running as long as I’m smoking these smelly, disgusting things. I quit for 4 years, then took it up again nearly 2 years ago.

I’ve so much to say tonight, but tired (it’s 1:46am), can’t sleep, lazy as hell …

Wait.

I’m an asshole I think.

I mean, and this is totally random, but, when I met ‘N’, it was within weeks of coming out of an unhealthy relationship. I met him through a mutual friend. I should tell you that he is significantly younger than I am. Anyway, at the time, I felt he was a godsend, had a special connection, understood each other, he really ‘got’ me, know what I mean? However, he was also someone to smoke pot with, we’d sit in the car for hours listening to Metallica or whatever else, smoke bowl after bowl and talk. We were ‘friends’ only. I started to go out on the weekends my kids were away and he’d always be the one to come pick me up or have those ‘talks’ with me when I’d cry uncontrollably and so on, this went on for nearly 7 months. Till one day … yeah, we did the nasty.

Truth be told, for the longest time he didn’t have more to contribute than a dick and some great conversation, but never had any money. And I do mean never, no job, no income at all. Eventually, it became something a little ‘more’ and like any other relationship, it’s goes through one phase to another … he’s still very much a part of my life and while I do love him, I’m hardly feeling fulfilled amongst other things. I don’t even know if it’s the ‘right’ kind of love to be honest. We’ve had arguments and have actually said to each other more than once that we didn’t really want each other, yet didn’t wanna see each other with anyone else. What the fuck does that even mean?

Now? We get along for the most part and that’s the problem. Kinda. I daydream about being with someone my own age, someone that’ll better understand the responsibilities of having teen-aged sons and a mortgage. What I once considered my rock, my safe place, I now sometimes see more as a paper weight.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate him if that makes any sense and I appreciate that he’s ‘there’ for me, but at my age – I just expected to be in a different place. Settled down, decent home, and so on. I’m not explaining this very well am I? *Sigh*

I’ve had men interested over the past couple of years that I’ve been interested in and honestly still wonder about a select few and often … but could it be I didn’t really feel that ‘connection’ like I thought  or did I feel they didn’t compare to him OR have I settled because it’s safe and I can be myself and he already knows how fucked up I really can be?

I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m not where I want to be and I don’t see the potential of even coming close to the future I dream of.

I hate how I think sometimes, doesn’t make me feel like a very good person.

O Dear

Sometimes, after writing a post like the last one, I feel a little embarrassed or somewhat annoyed that I let myself share it all with the world, but then again, I really do appreciate the comments and advice I’m getting. Strange as it may sound, I’m getting strength from it …

So, today I have decided NOT to get any more pot, but instead I’ve dug out all my decorative painting supplies and am going to try to get back into that. It’s something I used to enjoy, will keep my hands busy and Gawd knows it’ll be more ‘therapeutic’ than getting high. This is the 3rd day without it already, I can and will kick the damn habit.

I received an odd email this morning, asking why I’ve not put a picture of myself up, and did I feel I was to ‘hideous’ etc, wow.

To answer the question truthfully, although I plan on putting pictures up starting Wednesday – I don’t intend to include my face. Not because I think I’m hideous but because I’ve a portfolio website online with an older picture of myself, one that I’m not so overweight in. At 5 2″ 1/2, my weight has gone from 125lbs to nearly 175 and I’m embarrassed. I’ve always gotten attention from men and have been told I ‘still’ look good, and/or carry the extra weight OK or that I’m ‘pretty’ so I can get away with the extra weight or it doesn’t matter. I don’t feel that way at all, when I look into a mirror I see an aging woman … I’m hoping the way I see myself will gradually change into something better though. Besides, who’s to say they actually mean it or they’re simply on the hunt for a place to dump it? Sorry, I know my choice of words are rather nasty at times, but no point in beating around the bush is there?

So, anyone in need of a web design facelift? 😀