Looking into the mirror and all I see is an aging, unfulfilled, unhappy woman, desperate to be accepted, desperate to love and be loved back and desperate to become more – though I know I’ll never be anything more than what I am or have been already. It’s too late.

I can’t help but wonder where the years have gone and can’t seem to stop myself from wanting to look back and wonder about each ‘lifetime’ … I ask myself when I was the happiest, but I don’t know that I ever was. I’ve always had this painful feeling from deep within of not belonging, not good enough, or feeling I’ve gotta chase to get myself a little ‘peace’ (of the mind and heart).  Stability. What is it? What does it mean to have it in your life?

You know how some people are constantly going from one job to another always looking for something better? I’m the same way, it’s horrible because in my opinion, I’ve never given myself the chance to become great at anything. I get bored, didn’t like the job to begin, uncomfortable feeling I was being  judged and the list goes on. Anyway, think I’ve been the same in all my relationships to an extent … the ones worth fighting for and keeping, I’ve let them slip away so easily and to this day think about the ‘what ifs’, o god the regrets, and the ones never worth a fuck to begin with are the ones I’ve obsessed over and tried to keep. Is it somebody else’s life I’ve been chasing?

I see lines forming around my eyes, some grey hairs that need re-doing, eyebrows that need another waxing, scars on my belly from a variety of surgeries, boobs pointing to my toes basically and skin dryer than an elephants.

This weirdship I’m in with someone 10 years younger gets to me, and though I can’t imagine him not being in my life – I can’t help but feel that one day he’ll wanna move on to someone closer to his own age and likely start a family of his own. His age is a lifetime ago for me, and I feel most days that I’ve put my life on hold.

I want to get caught up with everyone, I’m sorry I haven’t been around, I’m so lost lately. I always feel like I’m ‘missing’ someone or something, like I’m always in mourning. 😦 Will catch up tomorrow.

Hope everyone is well. ♥

 

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