My oldest son and his girlfriend have decided to move to Alberta. They’ve already everything they own (aside from clothing and a few ‘sentimental’ items) posted on Kijiji and the local auction site for sale. Prized possessions are being sold so they can make those few extra bucks that’ll ‘add up‘, Christmas and birthday items and so on. I spend a lot of time with my son and his girlfriend (they’ve been together nearly 7 years) whom I refer to as my daughter … I can’t imagine them being on the other side of the country. I’m terrified. It’s my fault they’re leaving I think … there isn’t a person around here that doesn’t complain about the lack of work, so when I returned home from my visit to Alberta, I made it look as though it’d be a great place to live by rambling on about the availability of work, etc. At first my son blew it off and complained that the cost of living could potentially be a lot more, and then … THEN he spent a few days or researching the pro’s and con’s of living there. Guess what he found? Aside from the rent being on average $1150 for a 3 bedroom duplex, nothing included, compared to the same type of rental here at an average of only $850, most things aren’t any different and the place has so much to offer. (It’s referred to as the land of opportunity after all) Only 5% tax, compared to 15% here, and the list goes on.

However. To move requires selling everything and I mean EVERYTHING, unless you wanna spend $3000 to get it there, then you’ve another $1000 on average to add to the mix for gas. Not to mention you’ll wanna stop to eat occasionally, and likely get a hotel every night during the trip. A plane ticket might cost ya $300.

I’m guilty of giving them the impression I’d go and even that a part of me wanted to go, until selling everything and going from country girl to city girl sunk in. I may not have a lot and what I have may not be in the best shape, but I like it all, it’s MINE, payed for and took me a long fucking time to collect. I just can’t fathom the thought of getting rid of everything it’s taken me so long to get … I’m so very tired of the starting over. There is a lot of work there, no exaggeration – for every 5 business’s there were 3 or 4 help wanted or now hiring signs. Schools galore, enough restaurants you could eat out for 3 months and never at the same place twice, etc. But, honestly, that’s great for them, but it doesn’t help me any. I’d also have to either give my car back or find a way to get it there, no way I could drive it. It’s almost all highway driving there, at least it looks like compared to hear. Always a minimum of 4 lanes, 4 busy ass lanes and a shitload of anxious and often careless drivers. Returning my car bothers me for 3 reasons; 1. it’d be like giving up my freedom, 2. It’d likely reflect very poorly on my already corrupted credit history, and 3. IT’D BE LIKE GIVING UP MY FREEDOM.

I also fear leaving everything I know, the familiar people and places, beautiful scenery, old friends. I’ve a lot of history here obviously (born and raised), which is both good and bad. I fear disappointing my son if I don’t go, because of giving him the impression I wanted too … in fact, I think I even suggested he do the research. Yet I just don’t know if it’d be a good move. 😦 I don’t know if I could do it. It’s no secret I’ve some mental anguish and issues and I’d have to start all over with it there. New referral, new evaluations, you know the drill. I fear I’d not be able to get the same help there, I fear I’d isolate myself all the more, I fear I’d be forced into employment I’m not currently capable and told ‘it’s a job‘. I don’t wanna go through the explanations again or conversations regarding my history …

My near 19-year-old doesn’t care if we move or not he says, which really surprises me. My newly turned 17-year-old refuses to move that far away. He has his final graduating year coming up and I fear taking him away and putting him in a place that nothing or no one will look even a tiny bit familiar will set him back somehow. I realize the education system is supposed to be the same everywhere, though according to my research, that isn’t the case. I’d also have to make sure we lived in a ‘safe’ area (which means more $$$ and using the awkward, busy and sometimes ‘gang’ plagued public bus system.) or a ghetto area where I’d constantly be worrying about the kinds of ‘people/young men’ my boys could eventually start hanging out with.

Going there – being alone and single REALLY SCARES ME. Our only support system aside from each other would be my mother and aunt. They bicker a lot and I find my aunt really ‘bullies’ my mother at times … I need to explain that in detail sometime. My mother and aunt both suffer from a mental illness or two …

On the other side of the spectrum, this place offers nothing but the possibility of a life of crime and/or drug addiction. I’ve some history here I’d prefer to escape, I fear life will never change for the better here – and I fear that one day I’ll give into my demons and die in this fucking shit hole. Anything is better than this.