I wasn’t gonna do this …

I wrote, deleted,wrote deleted, closed the page …

I wish I knew what I wanted.

In life, in men, from myself. I’m so up and down sometimes. Lost.  Frustrated. Discouraged. And very lonely in so many ways.

I wish I could understand why I’ve become the way I have,  so I could just stop it or at least better control it. These anti-depressant are bullshit and do nothing but give me headaches, make me feel nauseous half the time and make it impossible to rub one off.

1:22 am Christmas morning and I’m sitting in front of the computer, smoking a bowl, eating pistachios and popcorn and downing disgusting amounts of Pepsi. Yep, f a i l. I was giving myself the excuse that “it’s Christmas” so it was acceptable. Christmas, yeah, woopdee fuck.

I do look forward to my kids in the morning, it’s the only joy in Christmas for me – my boys, but aside from that, all it does is remind of the harsh reality of my future and where I’m going, or should I say not going …

Tomorrow’s a new day and I’m gonna get right back on the wagon, forget this didn’t happen and promise to not let it happen again.

Happy Christmas all xxx

Great so far!

I’ve actually had 2 very good days in a row, eating well (though I was so hungry when I went to bed last night, I actually dreampt of eating Lol) today I didn’t feel all that great, so it was kind of easy, as I had little desire to eat to begin with. My doctor has upped my anti-depressants and I think it’s why I felt sick.

Anyway, off to do a little shopping early tomorrow morning so gonna hit the sack – hope everyone’s off to a great weekend. x