Archive for April, 2012

Meaning what exactly?

“I think you can achieve better than what you’re allowing yourself too”

One of my 6 brothers lives in Quebec and I talked to him a bit last night and decided to tell him what’s been going on with me, why I’ve come off as ‘distant’, ‘agitated’ or anything else he’s referred to me as over the past few months. I explained that I’m currently seeing someone and am confidant the therapy will gradually help and so on. That was his response.

Do people really assume we choose to become withdrawn, we choose to be without the comfort of friends and family and isolate ourselves for the hell of it, etc?

New pictures finally added to the before and after.

Is it just me, or are things really fucked up about now?

I’ve spent most of the day numb … I seem to be successfully teaching myself how to shut down at times, it doesn’t always work for me and sometimes works at the reverse moments I want it too, but I’m getting better at it. I spilled an entire ‘bowl’ a little while ago and didn’t give a rats ass, then re-filled it good and took a nice long haul off it … burned my finger. It fascinated me. So I’ve experimented a little. I’ve found something I can control.

4 days left with him. This is just the most fucked up situation and I haven’t the strength to explain it. I only need to survive my arriving day home, April 3oth, I fear that day, I really mean it and that scares me.

I’ve not been sleeping well, up all hours of the night off/on, then wanting to sleep all damn day – so around 10:30 I took a couple of those night-time Tylenol and smoking another bowl now, so all should be better tonight and I’ll get some ZzZzzzz “


Slowly Drowning

I can’t feel anything these past few days. No sadness, no joy, nothing. It’s like I’m emotionally and mentally numb, kinda. I know I’m hurting, but I can’t feel any sadness – does that make any sense? I’ve suddenly forgotten how to ‘be’, it’s like nothing is real and though I know things are happening and life’s still moving on, I’m invisible to it  and I’m sinking slowly into the quicksand, because ‘something’ is keeping me still from crawling out of it.