Tag Archive: Marijuana


Letting myself down

I’ve slipped back into the hole, I just don’t get it.

I’ve given up pot, smoking, was taking my meds, working out regularly, eating right, etc, until a couple of days ago. BAM. FUCKING POW. First just a ‘little’ pot, then a ‘little’ more, but then hey, someone offers you a sweet deal and I think o yeah, I can handle this, I’m OK – and here I am again on a fucking bender it feels like. High every night, ignoring everyone, text messages I rarely check till I feel like actually moving and saying the hell with the meds.

Maybe they were helping more than I think, at least I felt like I was in control better when I actually stick with them, but one of the worst side effects is that it can make rubbing one-off near impossible, it’s like everything goes numb down there and I often feel somewhat sedated on them – and not the fun kind of sedated either… it frustrates me so damn bad sometimes.

Back to the drawing board tomorrow, I’ll still have some pot left though, why did I do this? One thing I believe to be true of smoking point, and more now than ever that it DOES rob you of any motivation.

 

I’ll be damned. Another one of my many rotten vices is caffeine. I keep telling myself I’m gonna try to do it black, no sugar – but really, I find it tastes like ass. Was checking over the calories and between the Coffee Mate (It’s rich & creamy, what’s not to love?!) and my one (heaping teaspoon of sugar) my cups of coffee are a miserable 80 cals EACH. O. my. word.

This was one of my resolutions, to consume not more than 2 … I think 160 cals for only 2 cups of coffee is ridiculous. So do I force myself to get used to it black or only have that one in the morning or what? Advice needed regarding caffeine indeed. 😐

Smoking. Did fine till today … my neighbor popped in asking for a drive and at first I didn’t want to, but then I thought, hmm … she’s a smoker! She gave me one when I was with her, then another for tonight. It was delicious to be honest. God I miss them. I feel like I’m picking at food and wanting to eat/snack more – poor excuse perhaps, but it’s just the way it is. It’s like before, I’d have a puff instead of wanting to nibble on something and let’s face it, all that nibbling adds up. 😦

I’ve still a little bit of pot left, not sure if I’ll smoke it tonight or not – but likely I will. God hates me by now no doubt. The weeds in my drawer, and I can smell it just thinking about it. Why does it relax me the way it does? May be a good night to finish it, seeing as how there isn’t much in the house to eat anyway.

Weigh-in was today … 171.5! I WAS SHOCKED. I’ve been messing up pretty bad in the evenings still, so not sure how I pulled it off. I wish I hadn’t started when I did though, set me back a week kinda. Hopefully next year around Christmas I’ll have a better grip on my eating habits at least, or so I’m thinking.

I’m feeling a bit like a loser tonight, I mean really – who the hell am I trying to fool with all this ‘getting myself on the right track’ BULLSHIT? Is it even making a difference? Is it me or do the people around you only notice the shit they think you shouldn’t be doing, but fail to notice when you stop and instead, only accuse you of still doing it anyway? I know that’s contradicting thing to say after admitting the above – but … you know what I mean, I think.

And I know it’s an old subject, but this damn Celexa crap is pissing me off. I’m getting so I’ve no feeling ‘down there’, in fact, it’s near fucking numb. I CAN’T STAND IT. And what’s worse, is that apparently after stopping this medication a person can have problems for weeks or years afterwards … sex in my opinion, is often a waste of time if I’m unable to get off. And I’m always tired, it’s a chore to get out of bed most days and I feel exhausted all the damn time. I’m gonna stop these. I’ve still the Geodon, and think I felt better when it was just that alone.

Mary Jane

Wouldn’t ya know I had a great day, worked out – ate properly, but then … cleaned my room up a bit and guess what I find? Some very appealing poignant, green stuff. I’m pretty high right now to be honest and so far I’ve excellent control of the eating thing. Gawd it’s nice to have something to inhale. I feel so calm … and can’t be bothered to worry about anything, I’m just too consumed with things just ‘being’, does that make sense?

No fears. No worries. No pain.

My ass has melted into this chair, and the only one real thought I have is that being on Celexa makes it impossible to reach orgasm.

 

 

Am I an Asshole?

Weigh-in today, packed 2.5 pounds back onto my ass again. I knew that would happen … and not to make excuses (though I’m gonna) I blame it on Christmas and the pot I smoked over those couple of days. No control over what I eat when I’m high. Well, I do, it’s just that I don’t give a shit.

I’m back on the wagon now though and no plans to fall off it again anytime soon. Time to stop smoking again, I know I’ll never be able to get back into running as long as I’m smoking these smelly, disgusting things. I quit for 4 years, then took it up again nearly 2 years ago.

I’ve so much to say tonight, but tired (it’s 1:46am), can’t sleep, lazy as hell …

Wait.

I’m an asshole I think.

I mean, and this is totally random, but, when I met ‘N’, it was within weeks of coming out of an unhealthy relationship. I met him through a mutual friend. I should tell you that he is significantly younger than I am. Anyway, at the time, I felt he was a godsend, had a special connection, understood each other, he really ‘got’ me, know what I mean? However, he was also someone to smoke pot with, we’d sit in the car for hours listening to Metallica or whatever else, smoke bowl after bowl and talk. We were ‘friends’ only. I started to go out on the weekends my kids were away and he’d always be the one to come pick me up or have those ‘talks’ with me when I’d cry uncontrollably and so on, this went on for nearly 7 months. Till one day … yeah, we did the nasty.

Truth be told, for the longest time he didn’t have more to contribute than a dick and some great conversation, but never had any money. And I do mean never, no job, no income at all. Eventually, it became something a little ‘more’ and like any other relationship, it’s goes through one phase to another … he’s still very much a part of my life and while I do love him, I’m hardly feeling fulfilled amongst other things. I don’t even know if it’s the ‘right’ kind of love to be honest. We’ve had arguments and have actually said to each other more than once that we didn’t really want each other, yet didn’t wanna see each other with anyone else. What the fuck does that even mean?

Now? We get along for the most part and that’s the problem. Kinda. I daydream about being with someone my own age, someone that’ll better understand the responsibilities of having teen-aged sons and a mortgage. What I once considered my rock, my safe place, I now sometimes see more as a paper weight.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate him if that makes any sense and I appreciate that he’s ‘there’ for me, but at my age – I just expected to be in a different place. Settled down, decent home, and so on. I’m not explaining this very well am I? *Sigh*

I’ve had men interested over the past couple of years that I’ve been interested in and honestly still wonder about a select few and often … but could it be I didn’t really feel that ‘connection’ like I thought  or did I feel they didn’t compare to him OR have I settled because it’s safe and I can be myself and he already knows how fucked up I really can be?

I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m not where I want to be and I don’t see the potential of even coming close to the future I dream of.

I hate how I think sometimes, doesn’t make me feel like a very good person.

Fatttttttttt

Right, OK. So, I’m an idiot.

This is the final night of the weed, just finished it up. Fucked up my eating the other night, yesterday was shit (the right choices but seriously over ate) and today, well … chocolate and everything else ffs. Everyone keeps saying “It’s Christmas” blah blah blah, but, to myself I think NO FUCKING MORE EXCUSES!

On a lighter note, Christmas was nice. Had a great morning with my kids and then had ALL my boys together when my oldest and his girlfriend showed up. 🙂 Feels awkward sometimes though when they’re over, today did at least, things just so quiet … much of the talk was of nothing specifac. Can’t quite put my finger on it …

Anyway, I’ve fucked up, moods off and I feel frustrated, a little lazy and I’ve the energy of a nuns c^nt.

 

I wrote, deleted,wrote deleted, closed the page …

I wish I knew what I wanted.

In life, in men, from myself. I’m so up and down sometimes. Lost.  Frustrated. Discouraged. And very lonely in so many ways.

I wish I could understand why I’ve become the way I have,  so I could just stop it or at least better control it. These anti-depressant are bullshit and do nothing but give me headaches, make me feel nauseous half the time and make it impossible to rub one off.

1:22 am Christmas morning and I’m sitting in front of the computer, smoking a bowl, eating pistachios and popcorn and downing disgusting amounts of Pepsi. Yep, f a i l. I was giving myself the excuse that “it’s Christmas” so it was acceptable. Christmas, yeah, woopdee fuck.

I do look forward to my kids in the morning, it’s the only joy in Christmas for me – my boys, but aside from that, all it does is remind of the harsh reality of my future and where I’m going, or should I say not going …

Tomorrow’s a new day and I’m gonna get right back on the wagon, forget this didn’t happen and promise to not let it happen again.

Happy Christmas all xxx

Well Then

I’ve been so busy catching up on everyone elses posts, I’ve neglected to update on my wonderful life. Ha.

Wednesday was my ‘weigh in’ … lost 6 pounds the first week! That was the result of eating properly … today for only the second time, I’ve managed to toss some good old-fashioned exercise into the mix. Treadmill, 30 minutes, nearly died. It’s been so long.

Christmas is done, all I’ll be doing at least.

My mood has been shit, tired, lazy, cranky, feeling sorry for myself, not wanting to bother with anyone, ignoring the phone, texts, etc. Same shit different day yeah. Falling behind in bills again. I find that in order to keep up with one bill, I fall behind in another, never a happy medium. So tired of this shit, tired of talking about it, tired of writing about it, tired of worrying about it. 39 years old and I feel 90 some days. Speaking of which, I can see crows feet or whatever you call it forming around my eyes, I think. 😦 Holy eff.

Think it’s time I’ve written about my personal life, the man thing … in desperate need of some advice. Life is going nowhere, can’t imagine anything improving in this shit hole of a town and if I hear one more person say to me ‘life is whatcha make it’ I’m gonna kick em in the #$#@*!

I’ll save it for tomorrow, gonna stick Revolution Road in and fall asleep.

I feel that Gawd hates me and I don’t know why
My heart pains daily and I just wanna cry

I’ve texted my dealer he’s replied with a grin
I know it’s been weeks but I’m about to give in

I long for stability, I’m so fucking tired
I’m really longing to get completely wired

I miss my kids`

My oldest lives with his girlfriend and we only speak once every few days. Occasionally, I’ll pick them up so they can borrow my car or take them for a coffee, etc. My younger 2 (ages 16 &18) sadly spend the majority of their time behind a damn screen, playing Xbox. I guess I’m really to blame as I’m not much better. I do try and take them out and we ‘run the roads’ a bit when we can (or when the gas money allows it) but as far as watching movies together, etc, they just never seem interested. In one hand I feel I’m lucky that at their ages they don’t wanna be out running around, yet at the same time, there is so much more we could be doing other than hiding in our rooms. 😦

Today has been a very strange day. I did smoke the bit of pot I had last night, and surprisingly I didn’t end up stuffing my face, however, since early this evening, I’ve felt ‘bitchy’, irritated and haven’t stopped thinking about it. I feel as though I’ve said goodbye to an old friend ffs. Pathetic I know.

But somehow, and I know it’s hard for some people to comprehend – but it makes me forget and not care and not worry, even when I eat, it’s just ‘who gives a shit’, I mean I don’t even think about. I don’t have the need to cry and feel as though I’m mourning over anything … whatever it may be. Life suppose, and the fact that I miss it. Miss who I was, miss what I used to have, miss having fucking money. (Don’t tell me it doesn’t bring happiness.) Because when my kids have food regularly, those pesky little things they ask for (Xbox points, new trendy ‘in’ clothes, cash for lunches at school instead of damn pb&j sandwhiches and/or Mr Noodles) my bills are paid, and I can afford cable and a house phone, it would most def bring me some damn happiness.

I simply can’t be bothered getting into anymore detail than I have tonight.

Hi!

As you’ve probably already realized, this journal is regarding my new endeavour of  losing weight, as well as kicking a few nasty habits. I’ll be posting daily – but only fuck knows what it’ll bring.

I’m only one of several participants competing for $5000 and desperately need as much support as I can get. I’m hoping it’ll bring a little ‘self discovery’ to the table, and help me to better understand how I’d gotten into the rotten self-destructive behaviours I’d gotten in to begin with. I’m certain I’ll be shedding some sweat and tears over these next few months and undoubtedly, will experience as many highs and lows as a horny nun.

In a few days, I’ll be posting my ‘before’ picture (including stats), and every 4th week afterwards until I reach my goal weight, which will be announced after meeting with the dietitian and family doctor.

My official start date isn’t until over the next few days … and I’m as afraid as I am excited about the challenge. But one thing I am certain of, I’m ready to make anyone that assumes I ‘can’t do it’ eat their words.