Tag Archive: guilty


Am I an Asshole?

Weigh-in today, packed 2.5 pounds back onto my ass again. I knew that would happen … and not to make excuses (though I’m gonna) I blame it on Christmas and the pot I smoked over those couple of days. No control over what I eat when I’m high. Well, I do, it’s just that I don’t give a shit.

I’m back on the wagon now though and no plans to fall off it again anytime soon. Time to stop smoking again, I know I’ll never be able to get back into running as long as I’m smoking these smelly, disgusting things. I quit for 4 years, then took it up again nearly 2 years ago.

I’ve so much to say tonight, but tired (it’s 1:46am), can’t sleep, lazy as hell …

Wait.

I’m an asshole I think.

I mean, and this is totally random, but, when I met ‘N’, it was within weeks of coming out of an unhealthy relationship. I met him through a mutual friend. I should tell you that he is significantly younger than I am. Anyway, at the time, I felt he was a godsend, had a special connection, understood each other, he really ‘got’ me, know what I mean? However, he was also someone to smoke pot with, we’d sit in the car for hours listening to Metallica or whatever else, smoke bowl after bowl and talk. We were ‘friends’ only. I started to go out on the weekends my kids were away and he’d always be the one to come pick me up or have those ‘talks’ with me when I’d cry uncontrollably and so on, this went on for nearly 7 months. Till one day … yeah, we did the nasty.

Truth be told, for the longest time he didn’t have more to contribute than a dick and some great conversation, but never had any money. And I do mean never, no job, no income at all. Eventually, it became something a little ‘more’ and like any other relationship, it’s goes through one phase to another … he’s still very much a part of my life and while I do love him, I’m hardly feeling fulfilled amongst other things. I don’t even know if it’s the ‘right’ kind of love to be honest. We’ve had arguments and have actually said to each other more than once that we didn’t really want each other, yet didn’t wanna see each other with anyone else. What the fuck does that even mean?

Now? We get along for the most part and that’s the problem. Kinda. I daydream about being with someone my own age, someone that’ll better understand the responsibilities of having teen-aged sons and a mortgage. What I once considered my rock, my safe place, I now sometimes see more as a paper weight.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate him if that makes any sense and I appreciate that he’s ‘there’ for me, but at my age – I just expected to be in a different place. Settled down, decent home, and so on. I’m not explaining this very well am I? *Sigh*

I’ve had men interested over the past couple of years that I’ve been interested in and honestly still wonder about a select few and often … but could it be I didn’t really feel that ‘connection’ like I thought  or did I feel they didn’t compare to him OR have I settled because it’s safe and I can be myself and he already knows how fucked up I really can be?

I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m not where I want to be and I don’t see the potential of even coming close to the future I dream of.

I hate how I think sometimes, doesn’t make me feel like a very good person.

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Failure

I think I’ve failed as a parent and a friend. God knows I’d failed at being a wife and girlfriend, my track record proves it.

I’m in such a dark place right now … I can’t help but cry because I’ve nothing to smoke. Tomorrow, I may very well pick up a few grams. Tonight, sadly, I’ve popped a few pills, just to numb and relax me a bit. I’d like to get one thing straight, I don’t want to give up pot for any other reason than the fact I can’t control my eating habits when I’m high, it should be enough, I know. But it isn’t. Not right now at least. And with Wednesday being my big ‘starting’ day, I should be just saying the hell with it and working on changing my routines, ALL routines to some extent, so what’s wrong with me that I haven’t? I’m fixated on feeling down, ashamed, guilt … truth be told I can barely make ends meet as it is and with Christmas coming it’s making me all the more … I don’t know what the word is. I’m such a disappointment to my family, my sons. I’ve made so many promises that we’re going to do this or that and I do mean them, but when the time comes – money won’t allow it. Currently I’m a student as well as on Employment Insurance, but scared to death of what will happen when it runs out, which I believe is around the first of May.

I’ve had one dead-end job after another, you know the kind – not much more than minimum wage, no benefits, those are hard to get around here. In fact, jobs in general are pretty scarce.

My family has money, I don’t mind you, I don’t think I really exist to any of them. I wouldn’t expect any handouts or such, but it would be nice if they’d drop by or give me a call once in a while and say ‘hey’. Some acknowledgement that I’m still breathing would be nice. It isn’t like I haven’t tried, but the thing is … when I still had my house, and a nice car and a great income, I was included in family events, etc. Since I’ve sold my house (I almost lost it), took my car back to the dealership and left that job – I stopped existing. I swear they judge and define a person by what they have.

I have this great competition coming up and it’s for a minimum of $5000, my worst fear is that I’ll not be able to afford decent groceries, I haven’t been able to so far – so … yeah.

My days are so up and down, or should I say my moods. Not interested in socializing in the least, talking on the phone or answering texts. 😦

I hardly provide my kids with what they need, nevermind anything else. Nice clothes, most of them are used the few they have. Shit lunches, fucking Mr. Noodles – GARBAGE. Their rooms look so damn ghetto, broken, mis-matched furniture, and think we’ve all just the one set of sheets. I’m educated, have a great resume – but it isn’t enough. I bang on about wanting them to continue their education when they’re done highschool but who am I kidding? I’ll never be able to pay for it, and student loans here are so difficult to get without ‘parents with money’ or co-signers, and we all know nobody wants any part of that. My father is a drunk and my mother lives far away.

Is this IT? Is this all life will ever be? Where the hell is my prince charming and why do I always end up settling for the bad boy fucks with no damn direction or goals in their life anyway? A man with something more to contribute to a relationship than a dick would be nice. But why would I want to bring anyone into ‘my world’ when I’ve nothing to offer aside from crying and feeling miserable all the time?

When I’m ‘Ok’, it’s as if I’ve manged to push my worries aside, ‘mask’ them. I feel worthless, tired, lazy, like I’ve nothing to give and as if I’m wasting away. Some days, I really consider leaving this world and the only thing that stops me is that I can’t imagine who would look after my youngest and treat him right, he’s 16. I can’t explain it. I’d gone to my doctor once and told her that I’ve thought about the following scenario time and time again: leaving this fucking place and taking him with me.

This post was all over the place, I’m aware of that.