Bi, Visa, Cuckoo, Weed and Getting AWAY

This is going to be a long one, but I sincerely THANK and appreciate anyone that’ll take the time to read it and hopefully give me a little insight into how the hell I can ‘prepare’ myself for the events about to come, if that’s whatcha call them …

Before I start, I want to apologise for not keeping up with all of you, I feel really ashamed and like I’m letting people down over and over, which is something I’ve gotten really good at it seems, over the years. I want so much to be a part of this ‘community’, some of you I have grown quite fond of , genuinely care about what happens with you and regularly think of you outside of this miserable screen, yet, I fail to provide you the support I should be. And that certain somebody – I’m sure he knows who he is, who’s emails had suddenly stopped – I can’t help but assume I’ve said something I shouldn’t. I’m sorry.

Topics I need to cover:

• Him leaving and is he BI?
• Son and my credit card
• EI running out
• My on-going evaluations at the cuckoo clinic
• Pot
• Getting away

Him leaving and is he BI?

So. As a few of you may remember, and I’ll try to keep this short – I’ve had a friend, a guy friend, that I’ve been involved with for a few years now and he’s nearly 11 years younger. I met him shortly after this had happened and he became my best friend, my rock, a shoulder to cry on, etc. He knows me inside and out, I don’t have to pretend, cover up, explain any actions, nothing – he just knows and accepts me as is. But there have been issues over the past few years as well, issues I often wonder that may have been somewhat avoided had he been my age or at least experienced enough to understand the concept of responsibilities. Arguments regarding my kids at times, thinking they get away with too much or simply just being tired of them being around and having to think of them in the event we wanted to order take-out (meaning, we gotta get them something too), etc. Silly things that as a parent, go without thinking. And Xbox CRAP … thinking it’s alright to spend 1/2 a paycheck on the shit when there are groceries or bills needing to be paid for, etc. Thankfully, those things weren’t too often, and regardless, nothing has been able to compare or put a dent into the connection, chemistry, or SAFETY NET we’ve built for each other.

I credit him for my still being here and with good reason. And though I realize our ‘weirdship’ is about as non-traditional as I am a mother, I love him and can’t imagine this life without him, nor do I want too. Truth is, I fear I’ll not be able to make it without him. Maybe more of a best friend in some ways, but it’s the closest to any stability I’ve had and mentally, he’s carried me a long way. I wish things were easier to explain.

He’s been talking about visiting his uncle and a friend in Ontario for nearly a year. Plans have been made before to go, but something else seemed to take priority and he didn’t end up going … so it’s been ‘the talk’ for quite some time.

The time has come. BUT, things are becoming a bit strange and at random, he’s acting … well, really odd to say the least.

The past month or so, almost daily he’s always asking me if I’m going anywhere and suggests that I do, if I didn’t plan on it. Or asking if I’m gonna be watching a movie with the kids ‘today’ or ‘whatever’ and so on … I feel as though he’s trying to get rid of me, though he says otherwise. He’s a bit short with me at random, and/or showing signs of dis-interest. Now, he’s telling me he wants to go and is considering not coming back. He has a drive there, but fuck knows not a cent for a plane ticket home. He’s telling me that he doesn’t love the kids, though he does care about them a lot. Telling me he’s ‘tired’ of everything (not much work here, always broke, kids being kids, etc) and needs to get away – but just doesn’t wanna do it if it means being away from me. He’s implied that he’s worried I’ll one day ‘need to be looked after’ (thinks I’m mentally unstable) and Jesus, the list goes on. Though he contradicts himself a lot. A part of me feels as though he’s waiting for me to give him the ‘OK’ to just go and spread his wings, but, I can’t do it.

And finally, a few notes regarding his behavior with the guy ‘friend’ he wants to visit.

They FLIRT when playing their games on Xbox, yes FLIRT. He spends hours a day now sometimes when he isn’t working and talks and laughs with this guy. In fact, the other day I kinda felt it was way over the top … I heard him laughing and saying something like “that made me kinda wet” … uh huh. It isn’t the first time I’ve heard him talking odd like that (odd for him, with a guy) … and the texting each other is non-stop, day and night. Is this normal behavior?! At 39 and with 6 brothers, I can tell you I’ve never heard that kinda talk unless the guy was either gay or bi.

Anyway, likely too much info to take in and my luck, not enough for anyone to accurately gimmie any advice so to speak. 😦 I need him to come back home to me, you just don’t understand.

Son and my credit card

Well, well WELL.

This is the first time anything like I’m about to tell you has happened and I’ve said very little … overwhelmed perhaps. To the point … when I filed my return a couple of weeks ago, I ended up putting $500 on a pre-paid Visa. My 16-year-old son helped himself to it by using it online just once – however, somehow, the number ended up being stolen. Yesterday, I received an email telling me that ‘someone’ (some fucked up username) tried to use it, but the transaction was declined because there was only a credit of $6.34 on the damn card! I FREAKED. Cried, yelled, panicked, etc, because that was my emergency money, fuck knows I’ve never 2 cents to rub together most of the time. While on the phone with the credit card company, my sons strolls in and tells me not to ‘spazz out’ and that he had USED it, and only once. As you can imagine I was angry and told him it was stealing because he wasn’t given permission, etc. Since most of the transactions were done via Paypal, they had to speak to my son regarding the transaction he’d made and … now we’re waiting to see if and which transactions can be reversed/refunded. Jesus. GRR! The amount was well over $430. 😦 The rest I’d spent locally. (Oldest sons birthday was March 10th)

EI running out and My on-going evaluations at the cuckoo clinic

The end of April my EI runs out and I am scared to death about what I’m going to do. I realize it’s a simple answer for most “GET A DAMN JOB” and likely I will and it’ll likely be something I enjoy, I may even be good at it. But it’ll only last a month or so and then I’ll be looking for something else. This is something I’ve been discussing with my therapist person. I don’t know what to call her, so for now on, I’m simply going to refer to her as ‘My Kerri’.

They’ve been putting me through one evaluation after another … apparently I’ve scored high on ‘something’ and they wanna take it further. I break down when I’m there, I’ve told her things I’ve not told another living soul. Honestly, a few things I feared she’d wanna have me arrested or committed for and rightfully so.  I don’t think I realized how fuck up I really was till I started seeing her and I’m kinda scared at what’s going happen next or what will become of me. My Kerri seems to think I’ve some repressed feelings/issues, whatever that means. I’ve hardly any memory from being a child, aside from crying in the night and seeing myself whisper the words “I wanna go home”. And though I’ve a few memories of my grandmother (my grandparents raised me mostly) I’ve not a one of my grandfather except for when it came to watching the Dukes of Hazzard … he used to get really angry with me for not sitting with him to watch it.

Anyway, I’m thankful my Kerri is being so thorough, but it’s scaring me … I’ll touch more on that another time.

Pot

I don’t even know why I’m commenting on the weed, really. Yes, I’m still doing it. I’ve all kinds. I’ll give it up when I’m ready, whenever that is. But right now, it’s an escape and it’s working … it keeps me from hurting, thinking, caring and obsessing. End of.

Getting away

My aunt and mother lives out west and have been nagging me for a while to come visit, at their expense. Over the past month or so, I’ve isolated myself badly, have ignored everyone, them included, phone, texts, emails, etc. In fact, most days I ignore my email or turn my cell off just to make the avoiding easier. The more I do, the more I wanna do it. 😦

Today, they finally got to me by sending my brother over … they want me to come visit, for 2 weeks, towards the middle of April. They suggested right now but I said I couldn’t just up and go. The boys are 16 and 18 and likely more capable of being left alone than I think, however, my oldest son and is girlfriend have agreed to stay here while I’m gone. I just fear the boys will say the hell with school when I’m gone. I’ve never been away from them for any length of time AND the timing is SHIT. EI runs out and ‘he’ plans on leaving around the 15th of April, so that’ll mean that I’ll end up leaving a few days before he does. Dear GAWD.

Should I go? I know they’re gonna book it asap and I’ll be seeing that confirmation code in my email … and I can’t change my mind once the  money is spent. But I’m scared. Scared of everything it seems. Big pussy.

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I really hope that anyone that reads this is able to make heads or tails out of it … I’d give anything to be able and letcha into my head right now. xxx

Failure

I think I’ve failed as a parent and a friend. God knows I’d failed at being a wife and girlfriend, my track record proves it.

I’m in such a dark place right now … I can’t help but cry because I’ve nothing to smoke. Tomorrow, I may very well pick up a few grams. Tonight, sadly, I’ve popped a few pills, just to numb and relax me a bit. I’d like to get one thing straight, I don’t want to give up pot for any other reason than the fact I can’t control my eating habits when I’m high, it should be enough, I know. But it isn’t. Not right now at least. And with Wednesday being my big ‘starting’ day, I should be just saying the hell with it and working on changing my routines, ALL routines to some extent, so what’s wrong with me that I haven’t? I’m fixated on feeling down, ashamed, guilt … truth be told I can barely make ends meet as it is and with Christmas coming it’s making me all the more … I don’t know what the word is. I’m such a disappointment to my family, my sons. I’ve made so many promises that we’re going to do this or that and I do mean them, but when the time comes – money won’t allow it. Currently I’m a student as well as on Employment Insurance, but scared to death of what will happen when it runs out, which I believe is around the first of May.

I’ve had one dead-end job after another, you know the kind – not much more than minimum wage, no benefits, those are hard to get around here. In fact, jobs in general are pretty scarce.

My family has money, I don’t mind you, I don’t think I really exist to any of them. I wouldn’t expect any handouts or such, but it would be nice if they’d drop by or give me a call once in a while and say ‘hey’. Some acknowledgement that I’m still breathing would be nice. It isn’t like I haven’t tried, but the thing is … when I still had my house, and a nice car and a great income, I was included in family events, etc. Since I’ve sold my house (I almost lost it), took my car back to the dealership and left that job – I stopped existing. I swear they judge and define a person by what they have.

I have this great competition coming up and it’s for a minimum of $5000, my worst fear is that I’ll not be able to afford decent groceries, I haven’t been able to so far – so … yeah.

My days are so up and down, or should I say my moods. Not interested in socializing in the least, talking on the phone or answering texts. 😦

I hardly provide my kids with what they need, nevermind anything else. Nice clothes, most of them are used the few they have. Shit lunches, fucking Mr. Noodles – GARBAGE. Their rooms look so damn ghetto, broken, mis-matched furniture, and think we’ve all just the one set of sheets. I’m educated, have a great resume – but it isn’t enough. I bang on about wanting them to continue their education when they’re done highschool but who am I kidding? I’ll never be able to pay for it, and student loans here are so difficult to get without ‘parents with money’ or co-signers, and we all know nobody wants any part of that. My father is a drunk and my mother lives far away.

Is this IT? Is this all life will ever be? Where the hell is my prince charming and why do I always end up settling for the bad boy fucks with no damn direction or goals in their life anyway? A man with something more to contribute to a relationship than a dick would be nice. But why would I want to bring anyone into ‘my world’ when I’ve nothing to offer aside from crying and feeling miserable all the time?

When I’m ‘Ok’, it’s as if I’ve manged to push my worries aside, ‘mask’ them. I feel worthless, tired, lazy, like I’ve nothing to give and as if I’m wasting away. Some days, I really consider leaving this world and the only thing that stops me is that I can’t imagine who would look after my youngest and treat him right, he’s 16. I can’t explain it. I’d gone to my doctor once and told her that I’ve thought about the following scenario time and time again: leaving this fucking place and taking him with me.

This post was all over the place, I’m aware of that.