Archive for March, 2012


very slowly.

I leave on the 13th for a visit with my aunt and mother out west, and he leaves the 24th. I’m leaving before him. The morning of the 13th will be the last time that we ever see each other I believe.

He’s gone from saying he’s only visiting, to “I’m only staying a month”, now it’s 2 months with hints of permanently.

I have to admmit that I’m ashamed of making someone so important to me, that I fear I’ll be nothing without him in my life. Not that I aint half way there mind you, gonna be the big 4-0, single, broke, no friends.

The safest part of my life that’s given any kind of emotional stability, acceptance, no explanations for my behavior, etc is over within 20 days.

Too many thoughts in my head as is, I’m not willing to accept and process this one just yet and I’m working hard at not letting it destroy me and just trying to emotionally SHUT DOWN.

 

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My weight for March 21st was 153.5, which makes my loss an official 25 pounds so far! 🙂

Pictures were taken and I’ll get them up soon. xo

Omg, I so didn’t expect to be where I’m at, at my age. This July I’ll be the big 4-0, single and living similarly to the way I did 20 damn years ago. My oldest lives with his girlfriend, middle son will be 19 and moving away to work and it’s just the ‘baby’ left. Mind you, he’ll be 17 in May.  Some days I’m really afraid I’ll be left alone in this big scary world.

I fear being single and to be honest, I’ve never allowed myself to be single for any length of time … 2 months tops – and even then I’ve likely spent time with someone.

This is the summer to say the fuck with men in general (well, I could occasionally get the odd piece, right? ha.) With that being said, I don’t seem to wear being single very well I’m afraid. Usually become more destructive than usual, meaning partying/drinking/running to the bars and as much as I hate to admit it, if I’m feeling really good, beyond the normal barriers most of us try to barricade ourselves with – I’ll even try to get laid here and there, which only results in my feeling dirty and whorish.

If there really is such a thing as woman being in their ‘prime’, I’m there. Some days, I’m hornier than a 10 peckered billy-goat. Sweet talk, I know. Thank you.

My Kerri is supposed to call me on Tuesday and let me know when to come in for the final bit of evaluating … really looking forward to getting all that the hell over with and seeing what their new diagnosis may be.

The new talk now with him, is that he’s leaving a week after I do (why the fuck is he doing that anyway instead of the original date, ffs) claims he’s only staying there a month, but as you can tell – instinct tells me otherwise, so I’m trying not to focus on it AT ALL between now and then, it’s a waste of time and there’s nothing I can do about it. I keep telling myself that just maybe it’s for the best, so yeah.

The reality of it all will sink in once I return and that’s the moment I’m fearing most … time to smoke a joint.

Speaking of which, I visited my neighbor last night, she isn’t much different from I … not sure why we don’t spend any time together. She does a lot of isolating too, guess that’s my answer. Anyway, I rolled a big, fat one and not only did we sit and relax, laugh (for a change!) but we also tried to figure a few things out to help ourselves … more on that later.

My kids and I got our matching tattoos a few days ago, means family:

O, and one more thing before I forget, I put some of the signs on the local auction site (though there’s 2000+ people already) and they’re doing alright, the auctioning isn’t over for them until the 20th, so I’ll report back what they sold for lol I don’t expect much more than 10 bucks, but it’s 10 bucks I didn’t have AND if I make lots of them with different sayings, maybe I’ll get lucky and be able to make a few bucks on the side. lol

Here’s what I mean:

Alright, time to spark it up.

Right `

I stayed up late last night and did up a ‘budget’ for myself … it keeps me on top of everything till the end of May, well, except for May’s car payment and a decent grocery allowance, but it is what it is.

I am forcing myself to buy some pine tomorrow AND pick out a few items (few of each) for painting and THEN DOING IT. We’ve a local ‘auction’ group on FB and people are going nuts over those kinds of items, especially anything ‘country-ish’, it sounds like a good way to try to make a few bucks. Worth a shot.

He’s leaving the 18th. Things are still very strange, but I think I’ve found the right term to describe his behaviour, he’s pulling away emotionally. I’m no longer the one he talks to, confides in or want’s to laugh with. Our memories have all been created and I’m trying to make myself fully comprehend the fact. I feel so broken and frustrated, yet numb and helpless. I can’t convince him to wanna make coming back to me a priority and really, it’s doomed anyway if I’ve gotta try, isn’t it?

I’m gonna be 40 and single. Certainly never expected to be here. I’m really scared people … “God, if you’re up there,  I could use a little help right about now (O, and sorry about the joint I just smoked) …” 

For most of the day, he’s been short with me, barely a mumble when speaking and seems to be intentionally (yet, effortlessly) trying not to look at me and so on. He actually asked me to go ‘do something’ tonight so he could talk to this friend privately. I obliged.

He’s made a few comments today regarding the trip I’ll be taking (I leave the 13th of April for out west) and I’m getting the feeling he’s beginning to resent me somehow … he’s making a big deal about my ticket being paid for, thinks I’m gonna be ‘spoiled’, etc. Normally, when either of us gets a break or is treated nicely, etc, we’re genuinely happy for each other and tell each other that we deserve it. He’s never been like this.

I leave for Edmonton to visit with my mother, youngest brother and aunt, April, Friday the 13th (Yikes) and will be back on the 30th. I haven’t been on a plane since I was a kid and just the idea scares the hell outta me, not to mention the pain in the ass of having to switch planes in the middle of the damn flight. They felt a get away would be good for me, and it’s the first time anyone has ever reached out to me I gotta say. My relationship with my mother has never been a good one, or more non-existent is what I should be saying.

Anyway. I leave 5 days before he does, it suffocates me knowing he’ll not be here when I come back. The moments following, when the reality of it all sinks in, is what scares me the most.

I seemed to have gone off the eating well wagon over the past 2 days, not really eating much – and not eating decent when I do eat. Like a few bites of this or that. Back to it tomorrow … worked to hard for tis fucking around.

 

This is going to be a long one, but I sincerely THANK and appreciate anyone that’ll take the time to read it and hopefully give me a little insight into how the hell I can ‘prepare’ myself for the events about to come, if that’s whatcha call them …

Before I start, I want to apologise for not keeping up with all of you, I feel really ashamed and like I’m letting people down over and over, which is something I’ve gotten really good at it seems, over the years. I want so much to be a part of this ‘community’, some of you I have grown quite fond of , genuinely care about what happens with you and regularly think of you outside of this miserable screen, yet, I fail to provide you the support I should be. And that certain somebody – I’m sure he knows who he is, who’s emails had suddenly stopped – I can’t help but assume I’ve said something I shouldn’t. I’m sorry.

Topics I need to cover:

  • Him leaving and is he BI?
  • Son and my credit card
  • EI running out
  • My on-going evaluations at the cuckoo clinic
  • Pot
  • Getting away

Him leaving and is he BI?

So. As a few of you may remember, and I’ll try to keep this short – I’ve had a friend, a guy friend, that I’ve been involved with for a few years now and he’s nearly 11 years younger. I met him shortly after this had happened and he became my best friend, my rock, a shoulder to cry on, etc. He knows me inside and out, I don’t have to pretend, cover up, explain any actions, nothing – he just knows and accepts me as is. But there have been issues over the past few years as well, issues I often wonder that may have been somewhat avoided had he been my age or at least experienced enough to understand the concept of responsibilities. Arguments regarding my kids at times, thinking they get away with too much or simply just being tired of them being around and having to think of them in the event we wanted to order take-out (meaning, we gotta get them something too), etc. Silly things that as a parent, go without thinking. And Xbox CRAP … thinking it’s alright to spend 1/2 a paycheck on the shit when there are groceries or bills needing to be paid for, etc. Thankfully, those things weren’t too often, and regardless, nothing has been able to compare or put a dent into the connection, chemistry, or SAFETY NET we’ve built for each other.

I credit him for my still being here and with good reason. And though I realize our ‘weirdship’ is about as non-traditional as I am a mother, I love him and can’t imagine this life without him, nor do I want too. Truth is, I fear I’ll not be able to make it without him. Maybe more of a best friend in some ways, but it’s the closest to any stability I’ve had and mentally, he’s carried me a long way. I wish things were easier to explain.

He’s been talking about visiting his uncle and a friend in Ontario for nearly a year. Plans have been made before to go, but something else seemed to take priority and he didn’t end up going … so it’s been ‘the talk’ for quite some time.

The time has come. BUT, things are becoming a bit strange and at random, he’s acting … well, really odd to say the least.

The past month or so, almost daily he’s always asking me if I’m going anywhere and suggests that I do, if I didn’t plan on it. Or asking if I’m gonna be watching a movie with the kids ‘today’ or ‘whatever’ and so on … I feel as though he’s trying to get rid of me, though he says otherwise. He’s a bit short with me at random, and/or showing signs of dis-interest. Now, he’s telling me he wants to go and is considering not coming back. He has a drive there, but fuck knows not a cent for a plane ticket home. He’s telling me that he doesn’t love the kids, though he does care about them a lot. Telling me he’s ‘tired’ of everything (not much work here, always broke, kids being kids, etc) and needs to get away – but just doesn’t wanna do it if it means being away from me. He’s implied that he’s worried I’ll one day ‘need to be looked after’ (thinks I’m mentally unstable) and Jesus, the list goes on. Though he contradicts himself a lot. A part of me feels as though he’s waiting for me to give him the ‘OK’ to just go and spread his wings, but, I can’t do it.

And finally, a few notes regarding his behavior with the guy ‘friend’ he wants to visit.

They FLIRT when playing their games on Xbox, yes FLIRT. He spends hours a day now sometimes when he isn’t working and talks and laughs with this guy. In fact, the other day I kinda felt it was way over the top … I heard him laughing and saying something like “that made me kinda wet” … uh huh. It isn’t the first time I’ve heard him talking odd like that (odd for him, with a guy) … and the texting each other is non-stop, day and night. Is this normal behavior?! At 39 and with 6 brothers, I can tell you I’ve never heard that kinda talk unless the guy was either gay or bi.

Anyway, likely too much info to take in and my luck, not enough for anyone to accurately gimmie any advice so to speak. 😦 I need him to come back home to me, you just don’t understand.

Son and my credit card

Well, well WELL.

This is the first time anything like I’m about to tell you has happened and I’ve said very little … overwhelmed perhaps. To the point … when I filed my return a couple of weeks ago, I ended up putting $500 on a pre-paid Visa. My 16-year-old son helped himself to it by using it online just once – however, somehow, the number ended up being stolen. Yesterday, I received an email telling me that ‘someone’ (some fucked up username) tried to use it, but the transaction was declined because there was only a credit of $6.34 on the damn card! I FREAKED. Cried, yelled, panicked, etc, because that was my emergency money, fuck knows I’ve never 2 cents to rub together most of the time. While on the phone with the credit card company, my sons strolls in and tells me not to ‘spazz out’ and that he had USED it, and only once. As you can imagine I was angry and told him it was stealing because he wasn’t given permission, etc. Since most of the transactions were done via Paypal, they had to speak to my son regarding the transaction he’d made and … now we’re waiting to see if and which transactions can be reversed/refunded. Jesus. GRR! The amount was well over $430. 😦 The rest I’d spent locally. (Oldest sons birthday was March 10th)

EI running out and My on-going evaluations at the cuckoo clinic

The end of April my EI runs out and I am scared to death about what I’m going to do. I realize it’s a simple answer for most “GET A DAMN JOB” and likely I will and it’ll likely be something I enjoy, I may even be good at it. But it’ll only last a month or so and then I’ll be looking for something else. This is something I’ve been discussing with my therapist person. I don’t know what to call her, so for now on, I’m simply going to refer to her as ‘My Kerri’.

They’ve been putting me through one evaluation after another … apparently I’ve scored high on ‘something’ and they wanna take it further. I break down when I’m there, I’ve told her things I’ve not told another living soul. Honestly, a few things I feared she’d wanna have me arrested or committed for and rightfully so.  I don’t think I realized how fuck up I really was till I started seeing her and I’m kinda scared at what’s going happen next or what will become of me. My Kerri seems to think I’ve some repressed feelings/issues, whatever that means. I’ve hardly any memory from being a child, aside from crying in the night and seeing myself whisper the words “I wanna go home”. And though I’ve a few memories of my grandmother (my grandparents raised me mostly) I’ve not a one of my grandfather except for when it came to watching the Dukes of Hazzard … he used to get really angry with me for not sitting with him to watch it.

Anyway, I’m thankful my Kerri is being so thorough, but it’s scaring me … I’ll touch more on that another time.

Pot

I don’t even know why I’m commenting on the weed, really. Yes, I’m still doing it. I’ve all kinds. I’ll give it up when I’m ready, whenever that is. But right now, it’s an escape and it’s working … it keeps me from hurting, thinking, caring and obsessing. End of.

Getting away

My aunt and mother lives out west and have been nagging me for a while to come visit, at their expense. Over the past month or so, I’ve isolated myself badly, have ignored everyone, them included, phone, texts, emails, etc. In fact, most days I ignore my email or turn my cell off just to make the avoiding easier. The more I do, the more I wanna do it. 😦

Today, they finally got to me by sending my brother over … they want me to come visit, for 2 weeks, towards the middle of April. They suggested right now but I said I couldn’t just up and go. The boys are 16 and 18 and likely more capable of being left alone than I think, however, my oldest son and is girlfriend have agreed to stay here while I’m gone. I just fear the boys will say the hell with school when I’m gone. I’ve never been away from them for any length of time AND the timing is SHIT. EI runs out and ‘he’ plans on leaving around the 15th of April, so that’ll mean that I’ll end up leaving a few days before he does. Dear GAWD.

Should I go? I know they’re gonna book it asap and I’ll be seeing that confirmation code in my email … and I can’t change my mind once the  money is spent. But I’m scared. Scared of everything it seems. Big pussy.

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I really hope that anyone that reads this is able to make heads or tails out of it … I’d give anything to be able and letcha into my head right now. xxx

I think a part of me has always known that this day would come.

He’s been planning to go to Ontario to visit his uncle and a friend for nearly a year maybe and now that the time is quickly approaching (Middle of April) things are really going fucking …

I don’t even know where to start, ffs. He’s 10 years younger than I am, no kids of his own, no responsibilities, etc.

Omg man, I wanna get this out so fucking bad and I can’t think of HOW.

I feel like I gotta organize my thoughts, only I can’t catch em.

 

How I’ve been losing …

A couple of people have asked me, what I’ve been doing to lose weight, so … lemme tell ya, not sure if it’s been all ‘good’ or not, but this is my way 98% of the time.

I’ve started off with the little (but important and effective) changes first, things I didn’t think I’d miss, or would easily get used it. For example, milk and 1 sugar in my coffee, instead of 2 sugar and nasty cream.You’ll not find any sugar, butter, salt or ‘white bread’ products in my home. I refuse to buy them and threw away what I had. Tortillas, bread, pita, flour, etc, all whole wheat. My bread (Dempsters) is only 50 cals a slice. The yogurt I buy is the no-sugar added kind and is only 35 cals a serving. No sugar cereals, Shredded Wheat, oatmeal and the plain boring Cheerios, is all you’ll find here. (No worries, your kids will eventually stop hating you lol)

My kids think I’m crazy I think, I measure everything – and will continue to do so until I’m certain of various portion sizes. I hadn’t realized till I started this thing that when you’re eating properly, you can actually have a shitload more than you think without going over your daily calorie allowance. Yes, I said allowance. Lol

I’ve found Sparkpeople.com to be a GREAT resource, and I take full advantage of the tools and advice on there. You can log your work-outs, food, etc. Also, it ‘tallies’ a variety of things for you, like the number of calories you should be consuming daily (with fibre, carbs, protein, etc, break downs), your BMI, healthy weight, approx ‘goal date’, etc. Mind you, the goal dates are often 5434534 years away but that’s okay – their basing it on a healthy 1-2 pound loss a week. Which is safe and really, the average at which I’ve been losing. At 5 feet 2 1/2 inches, my goal is 130lbs. I know, still 30 pounds to go and here I am trying to give advice! Lol 😛

Anyway, the following is a typical day for me when it comes to meals:

Breakfast:
Coffee
2 pieces of whole wheat toast (nothing on my toast cuz I like my eggs runny)
2 eggs
yogurt
piece of fruit (sometimes I’m too full and have this as my in between breakfast and lunch snack)

Lunch:
1/2 whole wheat pita stuffed with 1/2 can tuna, chopped celery, red pepper, lettuce, 1 tbsp light mayo and mustard, pepper
glass of milk

If I’m hungry in between I’ll usually another piece of fruit or some veggies and low cal dip (all measured out of course lol)

Supper:
Baked chicken or something alike
veggies (always!)
brown rice, ‘healthy’ potato wedges, etc.

In the evening I’ll usually have another container or yogurt with a bit of flax-seed in it. You get the idea.

When I first started my ‘work-outs’ were one day on, one day off, repeat, but only for the first couple of weeks, as I wanted to get the eating properly down pack … I’ve learned that no matter how much you work-out, you’ll not lose weight and/or keep it off without eating properly.

Now, I’m working out on average 2/3 days on, with one day off. It’s bullshit for me to try to commit to 5 days a week (especially in a row) because I know I’ll never stick to it. Though this way, works out to an average of 5 times a week most weeks.

I usually spend 45-60 minutes on the treadmill (intervals most days) and then do some strength training. I never work the same muscle groups two days in a row though.

I don’t know what else to say …

Any suggestions on how I could be doing things differently? This seems to be working for me and it’s something I can stick with, so though I’d like to change it up here and there I don’t know that I wanna fix something that isn’t broken, so to speak! ♥

Welp … 9 weeks and down 18.5 pounds. Honestly, I expected it to be more but I’m ok with it … didn’t put it on over night, not gonna lose it overnight! Def looking forward to the next few weigh-ins though, the lower it reads the more excited I become. Been thinking about little ‘rewards’. I’d like to do some tanning again, I know it’s kinda bad, but what isn’t it. Hm. At 150 maybe I’ll start doing it just enough to get some color, then at 140 a new hair-do! I’ve been keeping it trimmed, but aside from that haven’t been doing a damn thing with it. Anyway, I put the updated pictures here.

Had my dog properly groomed the other day, little diva she can be …

I love mai dawggie. xoxox

I went to see a therapist yesterday (I’m assuming that’s what she’s is), nice woman, nose and tongue pierced like myself, and her hair was similar AND she looked to be about the same age. I was trying so damn hard to be comfortable and though I avoided eye contact a lot, as I normally do – I ended up laying everything on the table and told her my deepest and darkest secrets, things I’ve never told another living soul in my entire life. A few ‘milestone’ things/incidents I was really afraid to share with her, but felt the need to tell her as much as I could. She had 7/8 pages of notes by the time the 90 minutes was over. That was yesterday. I’m back again Monday to finish with some evaluations, etc. I’m strangely looking forward to all this and pray that it’ll be the start to some emotional healing.

Getting a really bad taste in my mouth at ranom lately, like metal or tin or whatever, anyone else ever experience that? It isn’t my teeth no, just visited the dentist not long ago … and regardless of what I do I can’t get rid of it, it’s something I’ve never experienced before.

I still haven’t given up the cigs, and my gawd I feel like I stink sometimes, though I’m only smoking 6-7 a day. The pot though, yeah, I’ll save that for another day. Destructive one minute, then positive the next I know. I’m weird I think.

Time to do some catching up.