Archive for May, 2012

Broken *Part 1*

My oldest son and his girlfriend have decided to move to Alberta. They’ve already everything they own (aside from clothing and a few ‘sentimental’ items) posted on Kijiji and the local auction site for sale. Prized possessions are being sold so they can make those few extra bucks that’ll ‘add up‘, Christmas and birthday items and so on. I spend a lot of time with my son and his girlfriend (they’ve been together nearly 7 years) whom I refer to as my daughter … I can’t imagine them being on the other side of the country. I’m terrified. It’s my fault they’re leaving I think … there isn’t a person around here that doesn’t complain about the lack of work, so when I returned home from my visit to Alberta, I made it look as though it’d be a great place to live by rambling on about the availability of work, etc. At first my son blew it off and complained that the cost of living could potentially be a lot more, and then … THEN he spent a few days or researching the pro’s and con’s of living there. Guess what he found? Aside from the rent being on average $1150 for a 3 bedroom duplex, nothing included, compared to the same type of rental here at an average of only $850, most things aren’t any different and the place has so much to offer. (It’s referred to as the land of opportunity after all) Only 5% tax, compared to 15% here, and the list goes on.

However. To move requires selling everything and I mean EVERYTHING, unless you wanna spend $3000 to get it there, then you’ve another $1000 on average to add to the mix for gas. Not to mention you’ll wanna stop to eat occasionally, and likely get a hotel every night during the trip. A plane ticket might cost ya $300.

I’m guilty of giving them the impression I’d go and even that a part of me wanted to go, until selling everything and going from country girl to city girl sunk in. I may not have a lot and what I have may not be in the best shape, but I like it all, it’s MINE, payed for and took me a long fucking time to collect. I just can’t fathom the thought of getting rid of everything it’s taken me so long to get … I’m so very tired of the starting over. There is a lot of work there, no exaggeration – for every 5 business’s there were 3 or 4 help wanted or now hiring signs. Schools galore, enough restaurants you could eat out for 3 months and never at the same place twice, etc. But, honestly, that’s great for them, but it doesn’t help me any. I’d also have to either give my car back or find a way to get it there, no way I could drive it. It’s almost all highway driving there, at least it looks like compared to hear. Always a minimum of 4 lanes, 4 busy ass lanes and a shitload of anxious and often careless drivers. Returning my car bothers me for 3 reasons; 1. it’d be like giving up my freedom, 2. It’d likely reflect very poorly on my already corrupted credit history, and 3. IT’D BE LIKE GIVING UP MY FREEDOM.

I also fear leaving everything I know, the familiar people and places, beautiful scenery, old friends. I’ve a lot of history here obviously (born and raised), which is both good and bad. I fear disappointing my son if I don’t go, because of giving him the impression I wanted too … in fact, I think I even suggested he do the research. Yet I just don’t know if it’d be a good move. 😦 I don’t know if I could do it. It’s no secret I’ve some mental anguish and issues and I’d have to start all over with it there. New referral, new evaluations, you know the drill. I fear I’d not be able to get the same help there, I fear I’d isolate myself all the more, I fear I’d be forced into employment I’m not currently capable and told ‘it’s a job‘. I don’t wanna go through the explanations again or conversations regarding my history …

My near 19-year-old doesn’t care if we move or not he says, which really surprises me. My newly turned 17-year-old refuses to move that far away. He has his final graduating year coming up and I fear taking him away and putting him in a place that nothing or no one will look even a tiny bit familiar will set him back somehow. I realize the education system is supposed to be the same everywhere, though according to my research, that isn’t the case. I’d also have to make sure we lived in a ‘safe’ area (which means more $$$ and using the awkward, busy and sometimes ‘gang’ plagued public bus system.) or a ghetto area where I’d constantly be worrying about the kinds of ‘people/young men’ my boys could eventually start hanging out with.

Going there – being alone and single REALLY SCARES ME. Our only support system aside from each other would be my mother and aunt. They bicker a lot and I find my aunt really ‘bullies’ my mother at times … I need to explain that in detail sometime. My mother and aunt both suffer from a mental illness or two …

On the other side of the spectrum, this place offers nothing but the possibility of a life of crime and/or drug addiction. I’ve some history here I’d prefer to escape, I fear life will never change for the better here – and I fear that one day I’ll give into my demons and die in this fucking shit hole. Anything is better than this.


It’s been damn near a month since I’ve posted. 😦 The more I avoid it, the harder it’s become … but a certain fellow blogger that rather tickles my fancy, rather motivates me to get back into the ‘community’ and swing of things ~

God, where to start?

My trip to Alberta … left April 13th, returned April 30th. Had a few issues when first arriving to the airport, somewhat of a meltdown, feared the flight, the people, being abandoned, etc, etc. Ended up having a panic attack and thought I was having a heart attack – quite a humiliating and embarrassing experience it was.  After I was calmed down, and made my way through security – it was a matter of minutes before the plane left the ground. I was there nearly 2 hours in advance. 😐

While I was in Alberta, I had very little opportunity to get on-line. My intentions were to divide my time up between my mothers and my aunts place, however, they ended up in a bit of a power struggle and I felt like a piece of rope in a game of tug-o-fucking-war. My aunt is bi-polar and her moods have escalated from awkward to completely out of control over the past several years. More on that another time.

My mother lives in a rather run down ‘ghetto’ area of Edmonton. She doesn’t mind it and says it isn’t too bad of an area … yes, just look at this photo taken just the down the road from her, in fact you can still see her apartment building from it. Ha.

Check out the ‘cable sign’ behind this … lol

Mom and I didn’t do much out of the ordinary, neither of us have much cash, so our time was spent watching movies, drinking coffee and arguing about my not wanting to move there.

My aunt lives a rather lavish life, hubby that works away making the big bucks so she spends her days shopping mostly. She treated me to several new clothes, which was very nice of her – but a bit uncomfortable at the same time. Not to mention I was over ridden with feelings of guilt knowing my kids could’ve used some new clothes themselves. She did promise to take me shopping for them, but I think she ‘forgot’, she does that a lot. But because she was being so kind to me most of the time, I didn’t feel right about reminding her.

My mood fluctuated a lot while I was there and during my stay with her, I experimented with burning. I felt then and feel now as though I deserve … I’m saving this for another post.

Weed habits are right back to what they were, with a few Night time Tylenol’s on the side.

Weight has been staying at approx 145 over these past few weeks, come Monday – I’ll get back on track with my working out. Right now I’m trying to get back on track with eating decent … or at least eating more than once a day.

The highlight of my trip was getting my hair done, a bit of pink in the front – it’s fading pretty damn fast though.

My oldest sons girlfriend took this picture earlier today, she took nearly 2 dozen in fact – and refused to settle till I smiled.

I know what they mean by ‘turkey neck’ now.