Tag Archive: regrets


Do I or don’t I?

My grandmother is in the hospital and on her death-bed, so to speak. She is my fathers’ mother and I’ve not seen her in nearly 15 years. My father only lives 10 minutes away, yet we’ve no relationship at all. I bump into him every so often at Tim Hortons or in the mall, but it usually isn’t much more than a “How are you?”, a little small talk and that’s it. Neither of us visit the other, call or anything else. My parents split when I was 5 and I didn’t see him again till I was around 10 or 11. From there, thanks to the woman he was with – seeing him became a regular thing until they broke up. I was 14. I ended up living with her (and a step-brother and half-brother) for a few years, till I became pregnant at 17.

Since then and it’s been approx 21 years, it’s been nothing but the occasional hello in passing like I’d mentioned above, empty promises to each other of visiting or calling and zero communication with any of his family. Not that I hadn’t thought about it, but because the longer time went on, the more awkward and uncomfortable I imagined seeing them would be. I do have one aunt that I’d always thought a lot of, but I seldom saw her either, again, just hello in passing … the odd cousin the odd hello in passing and so on.

My father has a history of drug and alcohol abuse, and now, he’s sick with cancer and heart disease I believe, as he’s just had a triple bypass … I didn’t learn about this till only recently, though it’s been a few months.

My brother called to tell me on Sunday that my grandmother had a stroke and her whole left side is paralyzed … this woman is 96. Long story short, they’re doing nothing more than keeping her heavily sedated – and waiting for her to pass. I live only minutes from the hospital, where the majority of the family lives in the same area and it’s nearly a half hour away. I’ve gone up the past few nights and my aunt has hinted a bit about no one in the family wanting to stay all night, so feeling a bit put on the spot and guilty for obvious reasons, I offered my phone number should ‘she need anything’. This morning I woke to a message asking if I would spend the night in the hospital tonight.

I’ve not yet answered her.

I do feel love for my father and that family, and I do have good memories of my grandmother when I was younger, but would it be odd for me to stay with her? My mothers mother, the grandmother who had raised me most of my childhood years was in the very same situation only 6 or 7 years ago, and I didn’t spend a lot of time with her in the hospital, I didn’t believe that she was as sick as she was … and when I got the call that she had passed, I was over ridden with guilt and to this day still feel like a selfish, idiot bitch for not opening my eyes to what was happening with her. I sometimes wonder if I was the secret link that would’ve kept her alive somehow, if only I had held her hand, if only I had sat with her longer, if only … if only. I don’t know that I’ll ever get over the death of her and to this day will cry and say aloud “Grammy, please come home.”

I feel obligated to stay with her and strangely want to (the more I think aboutit, the more I don’t to be honest), though I imagine going a little stir crazy. I imagine sitting and talking to her a bit like I am now, she can hear what people say … Gawd, I just don’t know. I fear she’ll pass when I’m with her, that’ll be awkward … fuck sake, awkward isn’t even the word for it really. Is it strange if I do it though after all these years? Is it strange that I’m being asked? It strikes me as a little strange that of all the people in the family that were actually a regular part of her life won’t do it. Is it strange that I hurt after all these years about a woman I hardly know or is only regret and guilt?

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Regrets

Looking into the mirror and all I see is an aging, unfulfilled, unhappy woman, desperate to be accepted, desperate to love and be loved back and desperate to become more – though I know I’ll never be anything more than what I am or have been already. It’s too late.

I can’t help but wonder where the years have gone and can’t seem to stop myself from wanting to look back and wonder about each ‘lifetime’ … I ask myself when I was the happiest, but I don’t know that I ever was. I’ve always had this painful feeling from deep within of not belonging, not good enough, or feeling I’ve gotta chase to get myself a little ‘peace’ (of the mind and heart).  Stability. What is it? What does it mean to have it in your life?

You know how some people are constantly going from one job to another always looking for something better? I’m the same way, it’s horrible because in my opinion, I’ve never given myself the chance to become great at anything. I get bored, didn’t like the job to begin, uncomfortable feeling I was being  judged and the list goes on. Anyway, think I’ve been the same in all my relationships to an extent … the ones worth fighting for and keeping, I’ve let them slip away so easily and to this day think about the ‘what ifs’, o god the regrets, and the ones never worth a fuck to begin with are the ones I’ve obsessed over and tried to keep. Is it somebody else’s life I’ve been chasing?

I see lines forming around my eyes, some grey hairs that need re-doing, eyebrows that need another waxing, scars on my belly from a variety of surgeries, boobs pointing to my toes basically and skin dryer than an elephants.

This weirdship I’m in with someone 10 years younger gets to me, and though I can’t imagine him not being in my life – I can’t help but feel that one day he’ll wanna move on to someone closer to his own age and likely start a family of his own. His age is a lifetime ago for me, and I feel most days that I’ve put my life on hold.

I want to get caught up with everyone, I’m sorry I haven’t been around, I’m so lost lately. I always feel like I’m ‘missing’ someone or something, like I’m always in mourning. 😦 Will catch up tomorrow.

Hope everyone is well. ♥