Bi, Visa, Cuckoo, Weed and Getting AWAY

This is going to be a long one, but I sincerely THANK and appreciate anyone that’ll take the time to read it and hopefully give me a little insight into how the hell I can ‘prepare’ myself for the events about to come, if that’s whatcha call them …

Before I start, I want to apologise for not keeping up with all of you, I feel really ashamed and like I’m letting people down over and over, which is something I’ve gotten really good at it seems, over the years. I want so much to be a part of this ‘community’, some of you I have grown quite fond of , genuinely care about what happens with you and regularly think of you outside of this miserable screen, yet, I fail to provide you the support I should be. And that certain somebody – I’m sure he knows who he is, who’s emails had suddenly stopped – I can’t help but assume I’ve said something I shouldn’t. I’m sorry.

Topics I need to cover:

• Him leaving and is he BI?
• Son and my credit card
• EI running out
• My on-going evaluations at the cuckoo clinic
• Pot
• Getting away

Him leaving and is he BI?

So. As a few of you may remember, and I’ll try to keep this short – I’ve had a friend, a guy friend, that I’ve been involved with for a few years now and he’s nearly 11 years younger. I met him shortly after this had happened and he became my best friend, my rock, a shoulder to cry on, etc. He knows me inside and out, I don’t have to pretend, cover up, explain any actions, nothing – he just knows and accepts me as is. But there have been issues over the past few years as well, issues I often wonder that may have been somewhat avoided had he been my age or at least experienced enough to understand the concept of responsibilities. Arguments regarding my kids at times, thinking they get away with too much or simply just being tired of them being around and having to think of them in the event we wanted to order take-out (meaning, we gotta get them something too), etc. Silly things that as a parent, go without thinking. And Xbox CRAP … thinking it’s alright to spend 1/2 a paycheck on the shit when there are groceries or bills needing to be paid for, etc. Thankfully, those things weren’t too often, and regardless, nothing has been able to compare or put a dent into the connection, chemistry, or SAFETY NET we’ve built for each other.

I credit him for my still being here and with good reason. And though I realize our ‘weirdship’ is about as non-traditional as I am a mother, I love him and can’t imagine this life without him, nor do I want too. Truth is, I fear I’ll not be able to make it without him. Maybe more of a best friend in some ways, but it’s the closest to any stability I’ve had and mentally, he’s carried me a long way. I wish things were easier to explain.

He’s been talking about visiting his uncle and a friend in Ontario for nearly a year. Plans have been made before to go, but something else seemed to take priority and he didn’t end up going … so it’s been ‘the talk’ for quite some time.

The time has come. BUT, things are becoming a bit strange and at random, he’s acting … well, really odd to say the least.

The past month or so, almost daily he’s always asking me if I’m going anywhere and suggests that I do, if I didn’t plan on it. Or asking if I’m gonna be watching a movie with the kids ‘today’ or ‘whatever’ and so on … I feel as though he’s trying to get rid of me, though he says otherwise. He’s a bit short with me at random, and/or showing signs of dis-interest. Now, he’s telling me he wants to go and is considering not coming back. He has a drive there, but fuck knows not a cent for a plane ticket home. He’s telling me that he doesn’t love the kids, though he does care about them a lot. Telling me he’s ‘tired’ of everything (not much work here, always broke, kids being kids, etc) and needs to get away – but just doesn’t wanna do it if it means being away from me. He’s implied that he’s worried I’ll one day ‘need to be looked after’ (thinks I’m mentally unstable) and Jesus, the list goes on. Though he contradicts himself a lot. A part of me feels as though he’s waiting for me to give him the ‘OK’ to just go and spread his wings, but, I can’t do it.

And finally, a few notes regarding his behavior with the guy ‘friend’ he wants to visit.

They FLIRT when playing their games on Xbox, yes FLIRT. He spends hours a day now sometimes when he isn’t working and talks and laughs with this guy. In fact, the other day I kinda felt it was way over the top … I heard him laughing and saying something like “that made me kinda wet” … uh huh. It isn’t the first time I’ve heard him talking odd like that (odd for him, with a guy) … and the texting each other is non-stop, day and night. Is this normal behavior?! At 39 and with 6 brothers, I can tell you I’ve never heard that kinda talk unless the guy was either gay or bi.

Anyway, likely too much info to take in and my luck, not enough for anyone to accurately gimmie any advice so to speak. 😦 I need him to come back home to me, you just don’t understand.

Son and my credit card

Well, well WELL.

This is the first time anything like I’m about to tell you has happened and I’ve said very little … overwhelmed perhaps. To the point … when I filed my return a couple of weeks ago, I ended up putting $500 on a pre-paid Visa. My 16-year-old son helped himself to it by using it online just once – however, somehow, the number ended up being stolen. Yesterday, I received an email telling me that ‘someone’ (some fucked up username) tried to use it, but the transaction was declined because there was only a credit of $6.34 on the damn card! I FREAKED. Cried, yelled, panicked, etc, because that was my emergency money, fuck knows I’ve never 2 cents to rub together most of the time. While on the phone with the credit card company, my sons strolls in and tells me not to ‘spazz out’ and that he had USED it, and only once. As you can imagine I was angry and told him it was stealing because he wasn’t given permission, etc. Since most of the transactions were done via Paypal, they had to speak to my son regarding the transaction he’d made and … now we’re waiting to see if and which transactions can be reversed/refunded. Jesus. GRR! The amount was well over $430. 😦 The rest I’d spent locally. (Oldest sons birthday was March 10th)

EI running out and My on-going evaluations at the cuckoo clinic

The end of April my EI runs out and I am scared to death about what I’m going to do. I realize it’s a simple answer for most “GET A DAMN JOB” and likely I will and it’ll likely be something I enjoy, I may even be good at it. But it’ll only last a month or so and then I’ll be looking for something else. This is something I’ve been discussing with my therapist person. I don’t know what to call her, so for now on, I’m simply going to refer to her as ‘My Kerri’.

They’ve been putting me through one evaluation after another … apparently I’ve scored high on ‘something’ and they wanna take it further. I break down when I’m there, I’ve told her things I’ve not told another living soul. Honestly, a few things I feared she’d wanna have me arrested or committed for and rightfully so.  I don’t think I realized how fuck up I really was till I started seeing her and I’m kinda scared at what’s going happen next or what will become of me. My Kerri seems to think I’ve some repressed feelings/issues, whatever that means. I’ve hardly any memory from being a child, aside from crying in the night and seeing myself whisper the words “I wanna go home”. And though I’ve a few memories of my grandmother (my grandparents raised me mostly) I’ve not a one of my grandfather except for when it came to watching the Dukes of Hazzard … he used to get really angry with me for not sitting with him to watch it.

Anyway, I’m thankful my Kerri is being so thorough, but it’s scaring me … I’ll touch more on that another time.

Pot

I don’t even know why I’m commenting on the weed, really. Yes, I’m still doing it. I’ve all kinds. I’ll give it up when I’m ready, whenever that is. But right now, it’s an escape and it’s working … it keeps me from hurting, thinking, caring and obsessing. End of.

Getting away

My aunt and mother lives out west and have been nagging me for a while to come visit, at their expense. Over the past month or so, I’ve isolated myself badly, have ignored everyone, them included, phone, texts, emails, etc. In fact, most days I ignore my email or turn my cell off just to make the avoiding easier. The more I do, the more I wanna do it. 😦

Today, they finally got to me by sending my brother over … they want me to come visit, for 2 weeks, towards the middle of April. They suggested right now but I said I couldn’t just up and go. The boys are 16 and 18 and likely more capable of being left alone than I think, however, my oldest son and is girlfriend have agreed to stay here while I’m gone. I just fear the boys will say the hell with school when I’m gone. I’ve never been away from them for any length of time AND the timing is SHIT. EI runs out and ‘he’ plans on leaving around the 15th of April, so that’ll mean that I’ll end up leaving a few days before he does. Dear GAWD.

Should I go? I know they’re gonna book it asap and I’ll be seeing that confirmation code in my email … and I can’t change my mind once the  money is spent. But I’m scared. Scared of everything it seems. Big pussy.

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I really hope that anyone that reads this is able to make heads or tails out of it … I’d give anything to be able and letcha into my head right now. xxx

Do I or don’t I?

My grandmother is in the hospital and on her death-bed, so to speak. She is my fathers’ mother and I’ve not seen her in nearly 15 years. My father only lives 10 minutes away, yet we’ve no relationship at all. I bump into him every so often at Tim Hortons or in the mall, but it usually isn’t much more than a “How are you?”, a little small talk and that’s it. Neither of us visit the other, call or anything else. My parents split when I was 5 and I didn’t see him again till I was around 10 or 11. From there, thanks to the woman he was with – seeing him became a regular thing until they broke up. I was 14. I ended up living with her (and a step-brother and half-brother) for a few years, till I became pregnant at 17.

Since then and it’s been approx 21 years, it’s been nothing but the occasional hello in passing like I’d mentioned above, empty promises to each other of visiting or calling and zero communication with any of his family. Not that I hadn’t thought about it, but because the longer time went on, the more awkward and uncomfortable I imagined seeing them would be. I do have one aunt that I’d always thought a lot of, but I seldom saw her either, again, just hello in passing … the odd cousin the odd hello in passing and so on.

My father has a history of drug and alcohol abuse, and now, he’s sick with cancer and heart disease I believe, as he’s just had a triple bypass … I didn’t learn about this till only recently, though it’s been a few months.

My brother called to tell me on Sunday that my grandmother had a stroke and her whole left side is paralyzed … this woman is 96. Long story short, they’re doing nothing more than keeping her heavily sedated – and waiting for her to pass. I live only minutes from the hospital, where the majority of the family lives in the same area and it’s nearly a half hour away. I’ve gone up the past few nights and my aunt has hinted a bit about no one in the family wanting to stay all night, so feeling a bit put on the spot and guilty for obvious reasons, I offered my phone number should ‘she need anything’. This morning I woke to a message asking if I would spend the night in the hospital tonight.

I’ve not yet answered her.

I do feel love for my father and that family, and I do have good memories of my grandmother when I was younger, but would it be odd for me to stay with her? My mothers mother, the grandmother who had raised me most of my childhood years was in the very same situation only 6 or 7 years ago, and I didn’t spend a lot of time with her in the hospital, I didn’t believe that she was as sick as she was … and when I got the call that she had passed, I was over ridden with guilt and to this day still feel like a selfish, idiot bitch for not opening my eyes to what was happening with her. I sometimes wonder if I was the secret link that would’ve kept her alive somehow, if only I had held her hand, if only I had sat with her longer, if only … if only. I don’t know that I’ll ever get over the death of her and to this day will cry and say aloud “Grammy, please come home.”

I feel obligated to stay with her and strangely want to (the more I think aboutit, the more I don’t to be honest), though I imagine going a little stir crazy. I imagine sitting and talking to her a bit like I am now, she can hear what people say … Gawd, I just don’t know. I fear she’ll pass when I’m with her, that’ll be awkward … fuck sake, awkward isn’t even the word for it really. Is it strange if I do it though after all these years? Is it strange that I’m being asked? It strikes me as a little strange that of all the people in the family that were actually a regular part of her life won’t do it. Is it strange that I hurt after all these years about a woman I hardly know or is only regret and guilt?