Broken *Part 1*

My oldest son and his girlfriend have decided to move to Alberta. They’ve already everything they own (aside from clothing and a few ‘sentimental’ items) posted on Kijiji and the local auction site for sale. Prized possessions are being sold so they can make those few extra bucks that’ll ‘add up‘, Christmas and birthday items and so on. I spend a lot of time with my son and his girlfriend (they’ve been together nearly 7 years) whom I refer to as my daughter … I can’t imagine them being on the other side of the country. I’m terrified. It’s my fault they’re leaving I think … there isn’t a person around here that doesn’t complain about the lack of work, so when I returned home from my visit to Alberta, I made it look as though it’d be a great place to live by rambling on about the availability of work, etc. At first my son blew it off and complained that the cost of living could potentially be a lot more, and then … THEN he spent a few days or researching the pro’s and con’s of living there. Guess what he found? Aside from the rent being on average $1150 for a 3 bedroom duplex, nothing included, compared to the same type of rental here at an average of only $850, most things aren’t any different and the place has so much to offer. (It’s referred to as the land of opportunity after all) Only 5% tax, compared to 15% here, and the list goes on.

However. To move requires selling everything and I mean EVERYTHING, unless you wanna spend $3000 to get it there, then you’ve another $1000 on average to add to the mix for gas. Not to mention you’ll wanna stop to eat occasionally, and likely get a hotel every night during the trip. A plane ticket might cost ya $300.

I’m guilty of giving them the impression I’d go and even that a part of me wanted to go, until selling everything and going from country girl to city girl sunk in. I may not have a lot and what I have may not be in the best shape, but I like it all, it’s MINE, payed for and took me a long fucking time to collect. I just can’t fathom the thought of getting rid of everything it’s taken me so long to get … I’m so very tired of the starting over. There is a lot of work there, no exaggeration – for every 5 business’s there were 3 or 4 help wanted or now hiring signs. Schools galore, enough restaurants you could eat out for 3 months and never at the same place twice, etc. But, honestly, that’s great for them, but it doesn’t help me any. I’d also have to either give my car back or find a way to get it there, no way I could drive it. It’s almost all highway driving there, at least it looks like compared to hear. Always a minimum of 4 lanes, 4 busy ass lanes and a shitload of anxious and often careless drivers. Returning my car bothers me for 3 reasons; 1. it’d be like giving up my freedom, 2. It’d likely reflect very poorly on my already corrupted credit history, and 3. IT’D BE LIKE GIVING UP MY FREEDOM.

I also fear leaving everything I know, the familiar people and places, beautiful scenery, old friends. I’ve a lot of history here obviously (born and raised), which is both good and bad. I fear disappointing my son if I don’t go, because of giving him the impression I wanted too … in fact, I think I even suggested he do the research. Yet I just don’t know if it’d be a good move. 😦 I don’t know if I could do it. It’s no secret I’ve some mental anguish and issues and I’d have to start all over with it there. New referral, new evaluations, you know the drill. I fear I’d not be able to get the same help there, I fear I’d isolate myself all the more, I fear I’d be forced into employment I’m not currently capable and told ‘it’s a job‘. I don’t wanna go through the explanations again or conversations regarding my history …

My near 19-year-old doesn’t care if we move or not he says, which really surprises me. My newly turned 17-year-old refuses to move that far away. He has his final graduating year coming up and I fear taking him away and putting him in a place that nothing or no one will look even a tiny bit familiar will set him back somehow. I realize the education system is supposed to be the same everywhere, though according to my research, that isn’t the case. I’d also have to make sure we lived in a ‘safe’ area (which means more $$$ and using the awkward, busy and sometimes ‘gang’ plagued public bus system.) or a ghetto area where I’d constantly be worrying about the kinds of ‘people/young men’ my boys could eventually start hanging out with.

Going there – being alone and single REALLY SCARES ME. Our only support system aside from each other would be my mother and aunt. They bicker a lot and I find my aunt really ‘bullies’ my mother at times … I need to explain that in detail sometime. My mother and aunt both suffer from a mental illness or two …

On the other side of the spectrum, this place offers nothing but the possibility of a life of crime and/or drug addiction. I’ve some history here I’d prefer to escape, I fear life will never change for the better here – and I fear that one day I’ll give into my demons and die in this fucking shit hole. Anything is better than this.

 

Wow, so much to say …

It’s been damn near a month since I’ve posted. 😦 The more I avoid it, the harder it’s become … but a certain fellow blogger that rather tickles my fancy, rather motivates me to get back into the ‘community’ and swing of things ~

God, where to start?

My trip to Alberta … left April 13th, returned April 30th. Had a few issues when first arriving to the airport, somewhat of a meltdown, feared the flight, the people, being abandoned, etc, etc. Ended up having a panic attack and thought I was having a heart attack – quite a humiliating and embarrassing experience it was.  After I was calmed down, and made my way through security – it was a matter of minutes before the plane left the ground. I was there nearly 2 hours in advance. 😐

While I was in Alberta, I had very little opportunity to get on-line. My intentions were to divide my time up between my mothers and my aunts place, however, they ended up in a bit of a power struggle and I felt like a piece of rope in a game of tug-o-fucking-war. My aunt is bi-polar and her moods have escalated from awkward to completely out of control over the past several years. More on that another time.

My mother lives in a rather run down ‘ghetto’ area of Edmonton. She doesn’t mind it and says it isn’t too bad of an area … yes, just look at this photo taken just the down the road from her, in fact you can still see her apartment building from it. Ha.

Check out the ‘cable sign’ behind this … lol

Mom and I didn’t do much out of the ordinary, neither of us have much cash, so our time was spent watching movies, drinking coffee and arguing about my not wanting to move there.

My aunt lives a rather lavish life, hubby that works away making the big bucks so she spends her days shopping mostly. She treated me to several new clothes, which was very nice of her – but a bit uncomfortable at the same time. Not to mention I was over ridden with feelings of guilt knowing my kids could’ve used some new clothes themselves. She did promise to take me shopping for them, but I think she ‘forgot’, she does that a lot. But because she was being so kind to me most of the time, I didn’t feel right about reminding her.

My mood fluctuated a lot while I was there and during my stay with her, I experimented with burning. I felt then and feel now as though I deserve … I’m saving this for another post.

Weed habits are right back to what they were, with a few Night time Tylenol’s on the side.

Weight has been staying at approx 145 over these past few weeks, come Monday – I’ll get back on track with my working out. Right now I’m trying to get back on track with eating decent … or at least eating more than once a day.

The highlight of my trip was getting my hair done, a bit of pink in the front – it’s fading pretty damn fast though.

My oldest sons girlfriend took this picture earlier today, she took nearly 2 dozen in fact – and refused to settle till I smiled.

I know what they mean by ‘turkey neck’ now.

Meaning what exactly?

“I think you can achieve better than what you’re allowing yourself too”

One of my 6 brothers lives in Quebec and I talked to him a bit last night and decided to tell him what’s been going on with me, why I’ve come off as ‘distant’, ‘agitated’ or anything else he’s referred to me as over the past few months. I explained that I’m currently seeing someone and am confidant the therapy will gradually help and so on. That was his response.

Do people really assume we choose to become withdrawn, we choose to be without the comfort of friends and family and isolate ourselves for the hell of it, etc?

Picture Updates and Mind Fucking

New pictures finally added to the before and after.

Is it just me, or are things really fucked up about now?

I’ve spent most of the day numb … I seem to be successfully teaching myself how to shut down at times, it doesn’t always work for me and sometimes works at the reverse moments I want it too, but I’m getting better at it. I spilled an entire ‘bowl’ a little while ago and didn’t give a rats ass, then re-filled it good and took a nice long haul off it … burned my finger. It fascinated me. So I’ve experimented a little. I’ve found something I can control.

4 days left with him. This is just the most fucked up situation and I haven’t the strength to explain it. I only need to survive my arriving day home, April 3oth, I fear that day, I really mean it and that scares me.

I’ve not been sleeping well, up all hours of the night off/on, then wanting to sleep all damn day – so around 10:30 I took a couple of those night-time Tylenol and smoking another bowl now, so all should be better tonight and I’ll get some ZzZzzzz “

 

Slowly Drowning

I can’t feel anything these past few days. No sadness, no joy, nothing. It’s like I’m emotionally and mentally numb, kinda. I know I’m hurting, but I can’t feel any sadness – does that make any sense? I’ve suddenly forgotten how to ‘be’, it’s like nothing is real and though I know things are happening and life’s still moving on, I’m invisible to it  and I’m sinking slowly into the quicksand, because ‘something’ is keeping me still from crawling out of it.

 

I feel like I’m being smothered

very slowly.

I leave on the 13th for a visit with my aunt and mother out west, and he leaves the 24th. I’m leaving before him. The morning of the 13th will be the last time that we ever see each other I believe.

He’s gone from saying he’s only visiting, to “I’m only staying a month”, now it’s 2 months with hints of permanently.

I have to admmit that I’m ashamed of making someone so important to me, that I fear I’ll be nothing without him in my life. Not that I aint half way there mind you, gonna be the big 4-0, single, broke, no friends.

The safest part of my life that’s given any kind of emotional stability, acceptance, no explanations for my behavior, etc is over within 20 days.

Too many thoughts in my head as is, I’m not willing to accept and process this one just yet and I’m working hard at not letting it destroy me and just trying to emotionally SHUT DOWN.

 

Will 40 make me a cougar? Ha.

Omg, I so didn’t expect to be where I’m at, at my age. This July I’ll be the big 4-0, single and living similarly to the way I did 20 damn years ago. My oldest lives with his girlfriend, middle son will be 19 and moving away to work and it’s just the ‘baby’ left. Mind you, he’ll be 17 in May.  Some days I’m really afraid I’ll be left alone in this big scary world.

I fear being single and to be honest, I’ve never allowed myself to be single for any length of time … 2 months tops – and even then I’ve likely spent time with someone.

This is the summer to say the fuck with men in general (well, I could occasionally get the odd piece, right? ha.) With that being said, I don’t seem to wear being single very well I’m afraid. Usually become more destructive than usual, meaning partying/drinking/running to the bars and as much as I hate to admit it, if I’m feeling really good, beyond the normal barriers most of us try to barricade ourselves with – I’ll even try to get laid here and there, which only results in my feeling dirty and whorish.

If there really is such a thing as woman being in their ‘prime’, I’m there. Some days, I’m hornier than a 10 peckered billy-goat. Sweet talk, I know. Thank you.

My Kerri is supposed to call me on Tuesday and let me know when to come in for the final bit of evaluating … really looking forward to getting all that the hell over with and seeing what their new diagnosis may be.

The new talk now with him, is that he’s leaving a week after I do (why the fuck is he doing that anyway instead of the original date, ffs) claims he’s only staying there a month, but as you can tell – instinct tells me otherwise, so I’m trying not to focus on it AT ALL between now and then, it’s a waste of time and there’s nothing I can do about it. I keep telling myself that just maybe it’s for the best, so yeah.

The reality of it all will sink in once I return and that’s the moment I’m fearing most … time to smoke a joint.

Speaking of which, I visited my neighbor last night, she isn’t much different from I … not sure why we don’t spend any time together. She does a lot of isolating too, guess that’s my answer. Anyway, I rolled a big, fat one and not only did we sit and relax, laugh (for a change!) but we also tried to figure a few things out to help ourselves … more on that later.

My kids and I got our matching tattoos a few days ago, means family:

O, and one more thing before I forget, I put some of the signs on the local auction site (though there’s 2000+ people already) and they’re doing alright, the auctioning isn’t over for them until the 20th, so I’ll report back what they sold for lol I don’t expect much more than 10 bucks, but it’s 10 bucks I didn’t have AND if I make lots of them with different sayings, maybe I’ll get lucky and be able to make a few bucks on the side. lol

Here’s what I mean:

Alright, time to spark it up.

Bi, Visa, Cuckoo, Weed and Getting AWAY

This is going to be a long one, but I sincerely THANK and appreciate anyone that’ll take the time to read it and hopefully give me a little insight into how the hell I can ‘prepare’ myself for the events about to come, if that’s whatcha call them …

Before I start, I want to apologise for not keeping up with all of you, I feel really ashamed and like I’m letting people down over and over, which is something I’ve gotten really good at it seems, over the years. I want so much to be a part of this ‘community’, some of you I have grown quite fond of , genuinely care about what happens with you and regularly think of you outside of this miserable screen, yet, I fail to provide you the support I should be. And that certain somebody – I’m sure he knows who he is, who’s emails had suddenly stopped – I can’t help but assume I’ve said something I shouldn’t. I’m sorry.

Topics I need to cover:

• Him leaving and is he BI?
• Son and my credit card
• EI running out
• My on-going evaluations at the cuckoo clinic
• Pot
• Getting away

Him leaving and is he BI?

So. As a few of you may remember, and I’ll try to keep this short – I’ve had a friend, a guy friend, that I’ve been involved with for a few years now and he’s nearly 11 years younger. I met him shortly after this had happened and he became my best friend, my rock, a shoulder to cry on, etc. He knows me inside and out, I don’t have to pretend, cover up, explain any actions, nothing – he just knows and accepts me as is. But there have been issues over the past few years as well, issues I often wonder that may have been somewhat avoided had he been my age or at least experienced enough to understand the concept of responsibilities. Arguments regarding my kids at times, thinking they get away with too much or simply just being tired of them being around and having to think of them in the event we wanted to order take-out (meaning, we gotta get them something too), etc. Silly things that as a parent, go without thinking. And Xbox CRAP … thinking it’s alright to spend 1/2 a paycheck on the shit when there are groceries or bills needing to be paid for, etc. Thankfully, those things weren’t too often, and regardless, nothing has been able to compare or put a dent into the connection, chemistry, or SAFETY NET we’ve built for each other.

I credit him for my still being here and with good reason. And though I realize our ‘weirdship’ is about as non-traditional as I am a mother, I love him and can’t imagine this life without him, nor do I want too. Truth is, I fear I’ll not be able to make it without him. Maybe more of a best friend in some ways, but it’s the closest to any stability I’ve had and mentally, he’s carried me a long way. I wish things were easier to explain.

He’s been talking about visiting his uncle and a friend in Ontario for nearly a year. Plans have been made before to go, but something else seemed to take priority and he didn’t end up going … so it’s been ‘the talk’ for quite some time.

The time has come. BUT, things are becoming a bit strange and at random, he’s acting … well, really odd to say the least.

The past month or so, almost daily he’s always asking me if I’m going anywhere and suggests that I do, if I didn’t plan on it. Or asking if I’m gonna be watching a movie with the kids ‘today’ or ‘whatever’ and so on … I feel as though he’s trying to get rid of me, though he says otherwise. He’s a bit short with me at random, and/or showing signs of dis-interest. Now, he’s telling me he wants to go and is considering not coming back. He has a drive there, but fuck knows not a cent for a plane ticket home. He’s telling me that he doesn’t love the kids, though he does care about them a lot. Telling me he’s ‘tired’ of everything (not much work here, always broke, kids being kids, etc) and needs to get away – but just doesn’t wanna do it if it means being away from me. He’s implied that he’s worried I’ll one day ‘need to be looked after’ (thinks I’m mentally unstable) and Jesus, the list goes on. Though he contradicts himself a lot. A part of me feels as though he’s waiting for me to give him the ‘OK’ to just go and spread his wings, but, I can’t do it.

And finally, a few notes regarding his behavior with the guy ‘friend’ he wants to visit.

They FLIRT when playing their games on Xbox, yes FLIRT. He spends hours a day now sometimes when he isn’t working and talks and laughs with this guy. In fact, the other day I kinda felt it was way over the top … I heard him laughing and saying something like “that made me kinda wet” … uh huh. It isn’t the first time I’ve heard him talking odd like that (odd for him, with a guy) … and the texting each other is non-stop, day and night. Is this normal behavior?! At 39 and with 6 brothers, I can tell you I’ve never heard that kinda talk unless the guy was either gay or bi.

Anyway, likely too much info to take in and my luck, not enough for anyone to accurately gimmie any advice so to speak. 😦 I need him to come back home to me, you just don’t understand.

Son and my credit card

Well, well WELL.

This is the first time anything like I’m about to tell you has happened and I’ve said very little … overwhelmed perhaps. To the point … when I filed my return a couple of weeks ago, I ended up putting $500 on a pre-paid Visa. My 16-year-old son helped himself to it by using it online just once – however, somehow, the number ended up being stolen. Yesterday, I received an email telling me that ‘someone’ (some fucked up username) tried to use it, but the transaction was declined because there was only a credit of $6.34 on the damn card! I FREAKED. Cried, yelled, panicked, etc, because that was my emergency money, fuck knows I’ve never 2 cents to rub together most of the time. While on the phone with the credit card company, my sons strolls in and tells me not to ‘spazz out’ and that he had USED it, and only once. As you can imagine I was angry and told him it was stealing because he wasn’t given permission, etc. Since most of the transactions were done via Paypal, they had to speak to my son regarding the transaction he’d made and … now we’re waiting to see if and which transactions can be reversed/refunded. Jesus. GRR! The amount was well over $430. 😦 The rest I’d spent locally. (Oldest sons birthday was March 10th)

EI running out and My on-going evaluations at the cuckoo clinic

The end of April my EI runs out and I am scared to death about what I’m going to do. I realize it’s a simple answer for most “GET A DAMN JOB” and likely I will and it’ll likely be something I enjoy, I may even be good at it. But it’ll only last a month or so and then I’ll be looking for something else. This is something I’ve been discussing with my therapist person. I don’t know what to call her, so for now on, I’m simply going to refer to her as ‘My Kerri’.

They’ve been putting me through one evaluation after another … apparently I’ve scored high on ‘something’ and they wanna take it further. I break down when I’m there, I’ve told her things I’ve not told another living soul. Honestly, a few things I feared she’d wanna have me arrested or committed for and rightfully so.  I don’t think I realized how fuck up I really was till I started seeing her and I’m kinda scared at what’s going happen next or what will become of me. My Kerri seems to think I’ve some repressed feelings/issues, whatever that means. I’ve hardly any memory from being a child, aside from crying in the night and seeing myself whisper the words “I wanna go home”. And though I’ve a few memories of my grandmother (my grandparents raised me mostly) I’ve not a one of my grandfather except for when it came to watching the Dukes of Hazzard … he used to get really angry with me for not sitting with him to watch it.

Anyway, I’m thankful my Kerri is being so thorough, but it’s scaring me … I’ll touch more on that another time.

Pot

I don’t even know why I’m commenting on the weed, really. Yes, I’m still doing it. I’ve all kinds. I’ll give it up when I’m ready, whenever that is. But right now, it’s an escape and it’s working … it keeps me from hurting, thinking, caring and obsessing. End of.

Getting away

My aunt and mother lives out west and have been nagging me for a while to come visit, at their expense. Over the past month or so, I’ve isolated myself badly, have ignored everyone, them included, phone, texts, emails, etc. In fact, most days I ignore my email or turn my cell off just to make the avoiding easier. The more I do, the more I wanna do it. 😦

Today, they finally got to me by sending my brother over … they want me to come visit, for 2 weeks, towards the middle of April. They suggested right now but I said I couldn’t just up and go. The boys are 16 and 18 and likely more capable of being left alone than I think, however, my oldest son and is girlfriend have agreed to stay here while I’m gone. I just fear the boys will say the hell with school when I’m gone. I’ve never been away from them for any length of time AND the timing is SHIT. EI runs out and ‘he’ plans on leaving around the 15th of April, so that’ll mean that I’ll end up leaving a few days before he does. Dear GAWD.

Should I go? I know they’re gonna book it asap and I’ll be seeing that confirmation code in my email … and I can’t change my mind once the  money is spent. But I’m scared. Scared of everything it seems. Big pussy.

——————————————————————————————————————————

I really hope that anyone that reads this is able to make heads or tails out of it … I’d give anything to be able and letcha into my head right now. xxx

I’m scared this will break me

I think a part of me has always known that this day would come.

He’s been planning to go to Ontario to visit his uncle and a friend for nearly a year maybe and now that the time is quickly approaching (Middle of April) things are really going fucking …

I don’t even know where to start, ffs. He’s 10 years younger than I am, no kids of his own, no responsibilities, etc.

Omg man, I wanna get this out so fucking bad and I can’t think of HOW.

I feel like I gotta organize my thoughts, only I can’t catch em.

 

Still alive, yeah `

I’ve 2 drafts saved from what I’ve written over the past week, happy I didn’t post either … same shit, same cry-baby garbage. I’ve finally an appointment to see someone Thursday morning, 90 minutes she said, I hope she walks me through it cuz I haven’t a clue of where to start.

So tired.

Eating right, check.

Working out, check.

Yep, smoking and again, planning to stop … a part of me is ready, but not really.

Lots of pot.

F.A.I.L.

Sorry I haven’t been around to comment much, I’ve been reading tons – but with each day that passes, I isolate myself more and more … ignoring the phone, text messages, simple emails, going places, etc. Yeah.

I love, yearn for and miss … something. Maybe I haven’t even had it yet. VOID.