Weigh-in today, packed 2.5 pounds back onto my ass again. I knew that would happen … and not to make excuses (though I’m gonna) I blame it on Christmas and the pot I smoked over those couple of days. No control over what I eat when I’m high. Well, I do, it’s just that I don’t give a shit.

I’m back on the wagon now though and no plans to fall off it again anytime soon. Time to stop smoking again, I know I’ll never be able to get back into running as long as I’m smoking these smelly, disgusting things. I quit for 4 years, then took it up again nearly 2 years ago.

I’ve so much to say tonight, but tired (it’s 1:46am), can’t sleep, lazy as hell …

Wait.

I’m an asshole I think.

I mean, and this is totally random, but, when I met ‘N’, it was within weeks of coming out of an unhealthy relationship. I met him through a mutual friend. I should tell you that he is significantly younger than I am. Anyway, at the time, I felt he was a godsend, had a special connection, understood each other, he really ‘got’ me, know what I mean? However, he was also someone to smoke pot with, we’d sit in the car for hours listening to Metallica or whatever else, smoke bowl after bowl and talk. We were ‘friends’ only. I started to go out on the weekends my kids were away and he’d always be the one to come pick me up or have those ‘talks’ with me when I’d cry uncontrollably and so on, this went on for nearly 7 months. Till one day … yeah, we did the nasty.

Truth be told, for the longest time he didn’t have more to contribute than a dick and some great conversation, but never had any money. And I do mean never, no job, no income at all. Eventually, it became something a little ‘more’ and like any other relationship, it’s goes through one phase to another … he’s still very much a part of my life and while I do love him, I’m hardly feeling fulfilled amongst other things. I don’t even know if it’s the ‘right’ kind of love to be honest. We’ve had arguments and have actually said to each other more than once that we didn’t really want each other, yet didn’t wanna see each other with anyone else. What the fuck does that even mean?

Now? We get along for the most part and that’s the problem. Kinda. I daydream about being with someone my own age, someone that’ll better understand the responsibilities of having teen-aged sons and a mortgage. What I once considered my rock, my safe place, I now sometimes see more as a paper weight.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate him if that makes any sense and I appreciate that he’s ‘there’ for me, but at my age – I just expected to be in a different place. Settled down, decent home, and so on. I’m not explaining this very well am I? *Sigh*

I’ve had men interested over the past couple of years that I’ve been interested in and honestly still wonder about a select few and often … but could it be I didn’t really feel that ‘connection’ like I thought  or did I feel they didn’t compare to him OR have I settled because it’s safe and I can be myself and he already knows how fucked up I really can be?

I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m not where I want to be and I don’t see the potential of even coming close to the future I dream of.

I hate how I think sometimes, doesn’t make me feel like a very good person.

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