Archive for February, 2012


Still alive, yeah `

I’ve 2 drafts saved from what I’ve written over the past week, happy I didn’t post either … same shit, same cry-baby garbage. I’ve finally an appointment to see someone Thursday morning, 90 minutes she said, I hope she walks me through it cuz I haven’t a clue of where to start.

So tired.

Eating right, check.

Working out, check.

Yep, smoking and again, planning to stop … a part of me is ready, but not really.

Lots of pot.

F.A.I.L.

Sorry I haven’t been around to comment much, I’ve been reading tons – but with each day that passes, I isolate myself more and more … ignoring the phone, text messages, simple emails, going places, etc. Yeah.

I love, yearn for and miss … something. Maybe I haven’t even had it yet. VOID.

 

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R.I.P. Grammy

Tough and stubborn she was for 96 … after more than a week of taking turns spending the night (and sleeping very little) she finally passed away shortly after 3 this morning. Selfish perhaps, but I’m thankful I wasn’t the one with her last night. This past week has been long, tedious, sad and confusing.

I apologise for not keeping up with anyone, I’ll hopefully play catch up tonight, anxious to see how a few of you are doing and if you’re ‘Ok’. xxx

Was only down a half a pound on last weeks weigh-in, and though I did take the pictures – I’ve not had much time to get them up … will try and get that done over the next day or two.

xxx

 

 

Fucking BULLIES

My 16 year old son just texted me and said he thinks he’s gonna be suspended … some kid ‘sacked’ him (had to look that one up, ha) then kicked him like 20 times. 😦 RAGE! Sooo … my son smashed his head into the wall and all I could say was GOOD, GLAD YOU DID SOMETHING BACK. Is that bad? My son isn’t aggressive by any means, a bit of a pushover sadly and I know he had to have been really pushed over the edge to do anything back … so many times he’s just walked away from anything physical. Surprisingly, he’s always maintained really good grades despite the daily bullshit.

My youngest son, known for being a funny/silly/comedic kid, is over-weight and has a complete different group of friends than my 18 year old, however, for as long as I can remember, he has been bullied … I remember going to the elementary school one day to pick him up and he may have been 7 or 8, I saw some kid being dragged by his fucking hood – turned out it was my baby animal. 😦

He’s called names as most are, threatened, etc, you know the drill … always the same shit with bullies.

Right or not, I’m glad he finally did something back and a part of me hopes he knocked the punks teeth out.

My grandmother is in the hospital and on her death-bed, so to speak. She is my fathers’ mother and I’ve not seen her in nearly 15 years. My father only lives 10 minutes away, yet we’ve no relationship at all. I bump into him every so often at Tim Hortons or in the mall, but it usually isn’t much more than a “How are you?”, a little small talk and that’s it. Neither of us visit the other, call or anything else. My parents split when I was 5 and I didn’t see him again till I was around 10 or 11. From there, thanks to the woman he was with – seeing him became a regular thing until they broke up. I was 14. I ended up living with her (and a step-brother and half-brother) for a few years, till I became pregnant at 17.

Since then and it’s been approx 21 years, it’s been nothing but the occasional hello in passing like I’d mentioned above, empty promises to each other of visiting or calling and zero communication with any of his family. Not that I hadn’t thought about it, but because the longer time went on, the more awkward and uncomfortable I imagined seeing them would be. I do have one aunt that I’d always thought a lot of, but I seldom saw her either, again, just hello in passing … the odd cousin the odd hello in passing and so on.

My father has a history of drug and alcohol abuse, and now, he’s sick with cancer and heart disease I believe, as he’s just had a triple bypass … I didn’t learn about this till only recently, though it’s been a few months.

My brother called to tell me on Sunday that my grandmother had a stroke and her whole left side is paralyzed … this woman is 96. Long story short, they’re doing nothing more than keeping her heavily sedated – and waiting for her to pass. I live only minutes from the hospital, where the majority of the family lives in the same area and it’s nearly a half hour away. I’ve gone up the past few nights and my aunt has hinted a bit about no one in the family wanting to stay all night, so feeling a bit put on the spot and guilty for obvious reasons, I offered my phone number should ‘she need anything’. This morning I woke to a message asking if I would spend the night in the hospital tonight.

I’ve not yet answered her.

I do feel love for my father and that family, and I do have good memories of my grandmother when I was younger, but would it be odd for me to stay with her? My mothers mother, the grandmother who had raised me most of my childhood years was in the very same situation only 6 or 7 years ago, and I didn’t spend a lot of time with her in the hospital, I didn’t believe that she was as sick as she was … and when I got the call that she had passed, I was over ridden with guilt and to this day still feel like a selfish, idiot bitch for not opening my eyes to what was happening with her. I sometimes wonder if I was the secret link that would’ve kept her alive somehow, if only I had held her hand, if only I had sat with her longer, if only … if only. I don’t know that I’ll ever get over the death of her and to this day will cry and say aloud “Grammy, please come home.”

I feel obligated to stay with her and strangely want to (the more I think aboutit, the more I don’t to be honest), though I imagine going a little stir crazy. I imagine sitting and talking to her a bit like I am now, she can hear what people say … Gawd, I just don’t know. I fear she’ll pass when I’m with her, that’ll be awkward … fuck sake, awkward isn’t even the word for it really. Is it strange if I do it though after all these years? Is it strange that I’m being asked? It strikes me as a little strange that of all the people in the family that were actually a regular part of her life won’t do it. Is it strange that I hurt after all these years about a woman I hardly know or is only regret and guilt?

I think it’s unfair …

that the majority of posts from http://speakgossip.com belong to the lovely http://serenityluv.com and she has NOT been credited!

Just sayin’.

Down 2.5!

Now weighing in at 162.5! 🙂 3 weeks in a row it was only a pound, so this was kinda nice and def what I needed to keep my motivation high!

MyFitnessPal doesn’t register the ‘.5’ losses though, but that’s OK. Lol

I left a message with mental health yesterday asking to re-book, they called back, but I wasn’t here and missed it so will hopefully reach them today and can finally get an appointment to speak with a professional.

My sons (21, 18 & 16) have been long debating getting matching tattoos, and I’d like something simple, like the Chinese symbol for family.

The only problem is, we can’t agree on where to put it. I initially wanted it on the inside of the wrist, but my youngest doesn’t have any yet and at only 16, I don’t know that I’m really comfortable with that …

Anyway, we’ve been searching forever for other designs, ideas, etc that we could get – but to no avail. This is the only one we’ve all agreed on and that holds any meaning.

 

 

STFU. No, seriously. STFU.

If there is one thing I’m tired of it’s hearing over and over again “O, you just need to learn how to be happy, move on or forget about things” or “You’ll be ok, you just need to get out (more)”, after trying so desperately and accurately to explain where my head is, that’s right, where it’s AT – it isn’t as simple as a collection of ‘feelings’.

There are so many damn stigmas regarding Depression and conditions alike. People judge what they don’t understand.

I would like to say that, in my opinion, those judging should consider themselves fortunate, as they’ve never been there .

To my wonderful and judgemental friend, please have a read.

And no apology necessary, I ‘ve already accepted your ignorance.

I’m a bit cranky … tired and desperately need to be heard.

Wow

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve posted, I feel guilty about my lack of commitment and even more so like I’m letting those I’ve been following closely, down. I think about posting regularly, I just don’t do it … I’m feeling so socially disconnected from the outside world right now. 😦

I’ve been eating ok and sticking with my work-outs, but I’m ashamed to report that I’m smoking again and have a nice little stash of pot sitting in front of me.

I’ve been in and out of a dark place these past few weeks, honestly, truth be told – I’m always in the damn place, it’s just some moments (it’s never a full day) I’m able to push shit aside, ignore it, pretend it isn’t there. Or maybe it’s just that I pretend I’m another person and this isn’t really my life at all.

I need to see the doctor again, but I’m always putting it off or not showing up for my appointments because I worry she’s judging me or just bored with hearing the same bullshit and self-pity garbage over and over, at least that’s all I feel it equates too sometimes. I desperately want to talk to somebody, a professional and feel they’re genuinely interested in what I’m saying and wanting to help me help myself get better, but those appointments I miss as well. Never to re-book of course.

Lately, I’m feeling like I look so damn old, 39 going on 73. Lines around my eyes are becoming more noticable every day it seems and I can’t stop this damn scrunching and squinting. Now, I’m doing the ‘clearing your throat’ sound over and over and over, I try not to do these things – but I JUST CAN’T STOP. My weight and self-image has been the worst battle when it comes to how I feel about myself, and that alone has made me about as anti-social as thought possible, and now I’ve all this weird shit I’m doing with my face and throat to add to it. It’s so embarrassing.

It isn’t just social situations I’ve problems with … I can’t keep a damn job it seems. I’m like a damn serial jobist, I get them easy, sometimes I actually enjoy them, but sooner or later, it’s the people – being around them all the time, getting to know people, I always feel the need after a few months, sometimes weeks, to get away, to escape. Always a need to try to isolate myself just to avoid human contact outside of the home. It’s taking its toll on me, I’m getting restless, increasing bored with my life and feel as though I bring nothing good to those with the misfortune that actually get to spend any time around me. Most of the time, we’re behind damn screens doing jack shit anyway and it’s likely safe but sad to say that my emotional issues have rubbed off onto my kids. I can’t help but consume myself with the thoughts that they’d be better off without me, since I do nothing to motivate them and likely bring them down anyway.

I miss living, where do I begin? I’m consumed with emotional baggage I need to let go of, it’s making me NUTS. I just can’t do this everyday for another 15, 20 years – there will be nothing left of me.

 

 

Slow and steady wins the race?

Jesus I hope so, only down a pound this week. 3 weeks in a row, grrrrrrrrrr!