Archive for December, 2011


Happy New Year Everyone! ♥

It’s now 10:43pm. As of midnight, I will no longer be a smoker … Gawd, please wish me luck – I’m gonna need it. I’ve warned the kids NOT to say a WORD to me about stopping, just please. be. silent. Otherwise, they could unlock the beast inside of me. Lol C’mon, as unhealthy and ‘terrible’ as smokers know it is, we still find it awkwardly enjoyable … however, if I were to be diagnosed with an illness one day, a fatal illness and know I could’ve prevented it simply from not lighting up, well, I just couldn’t imagine. Anyway, that’s my talk to myself, ha. As sneaky as I’ve been over the past little bit, they’ve still known about it.

With that said, I’ve (again) slipped up tonight by making an enormous bowl of nasty popcorn that the kids and I enjoyed while watching a rather shit movie. Plus, I had a bit of Kraft Dinner this afternoon, I did have a great well-rounded breakfast if that matters at all. It’s Ok, tomorrow’s a new day and I’ve not really fallen off the wagon, so to speak.

I’ve still some things I need to change to my daily routine (life routine, really) and some things that desperately need to be done around the place, so here are my New Year Resolutions:

1. Give up smoking.

2. Stop eating after 9pm.

3. Paint at least twice a week, take a picture when a projects complete and post it here.

4. Internet is OFF on school nights by 10pm. (To be replaced with things such as reading, etc.)

5. Limit myself to 2 coffee daily.

6. Get my office area complete.

7. This fire hazard of a basement cleaned up.

And …

8. Write daily in my blog.

Anyone else have any New Year’s Resolutions?!

Hope everyone has a great (and safe!) night.

I wish the very best to all of you in the new year!  ♥ ♥ ♥

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Yeah, whatever

So a friend of mine dropped in tonight. Usually she’s all about smoking pot and chatting endlessly about men … this time however, she had some Coke.  I haven’t touched the stuff in 20+ years, she knows this and I’ve no interest in replacing one drug habit with another, especially with something I’ve gotta take up my nose. I told her I didn’t want any and she literally threw a tantrum, I’m talking mouthing off loudly, telling me I wasn’t ‘fun anymore’, didn’t wanna do anything and this is the reason I’ve the ’emotional’ problems I do. Well, so be fucking it then. I do admit to getting a couple of Oxy’s from her, but holy hell, I think it’s time to just put people like her out of my life. Maybe I shouldn’t be saying that – but with friends like that I’m thinking who needs enemies? I said no, and that should’ve been the end of it. She left saying ‘whatever’ and knowing her the way I do, I doubt she’ll be dropping by again anytime soon.

I feel as though I’m continuously pushing people out of my life, one way or another. Either by avoiding them or simply pissing them off for whatever reason.  But I’m trying so hard to change my habits, I just wish I had decent people in ym life instead – know what I mean? By decent I mean those that’ll not be trying to push me to do things I feel aren’t good for me and fuck knows, one temptation always leads to another. Anyone suggesting otherwise is fooling themselves in my opinion.

My eating has been OK, was a little hungry tonight so had a clementine, a few almonds and a piece of whole wheat bread with a bit of peanut butter, I hate peanut butter. Tastes like ass.

My kids are back home tomorrow, then back in school Monday morning – my basement looks like a hurricane hit it and the mere sight of it is hardly motivating when it comes to jumping on the treadmill … clothes can be dropped off at the Salvation Army, paper, etc actually sorted … I’d somehow like to make it look my ‘work out-ish’ if possible, any ideas?

Also, I’ve a spare room I’ve decided to turn into an ‘office’ upstairs – it’s pretty dull really, computer desk, computer, more storage junk, which I’m gonna stuff into a closet till I actually get around to sorting through it … Yeah.

I’ve been having the worst dreams, long story short – my stepmother, of whom I was close to, died only 5 months ago. Last night I dreamt that somebody called me and claimed to be her … I said “no she die …d”. After a bit of mindless weird chatter, I discovered it was  man and he was down right CRAZY. Starting stalking me, coming around my home, tapping on the windows, calling and hanging up, etc, sounds funny maybe, but it was really scary. I dream some weird shit like that sometimes. And I’m not kidding, but I see people who have already passed on in my dreams and often … but they’re not always sad and/or upsetting, but always awkward somehow. Almost afraid to Google its meaning.

Anyway, I’ve a few New Year’s Resolutions I wanna make, will post them tomorrow. Hope everyone’s had a great day/night. x

Am I an Asshole?

Weigh-in today, packed 2.5 pounds back onto my ass again. I knew that would happen … and not to make excuses (though I’m gonna) I blame it on Christmas and the pot I smoked over those couple of days. No control over what I eat when I’m high. Well, I do, it’s just that I don’t give a shit.

I’m back on the wagon now though and no plans to fall off it again anytime soon. Time to stop smoking again, I know I’ll never be able to get back into running as long as I’m smoking these smelly, disgusting things. I quit for 4 years, then took it up again nearly 2 years ago.

I’ve so much to say tonight, but tired (it’s 1:46am), can’t sleep, lazy as hell …

Wait.

I’m an asshole I think.

I mean, and this is totally random, but, when I met ‘N’, it was within weeks of coming out of an unhealthy relationship. I met him through a mutual friend. I should tell you that he is significantly younger than I am. Anyway, at the time, I felt he was a godsend, had a special connection, understood each other, he really ‘got’ me, know what I mean? However, he was also someone to smoke pot with, we’d sit in the car for hours listening to Metallica or whatever else, smoke bowl after bowl and talk. We were ‘friends’ only. I started to go out on the weekends my kids were away and he’d always be the one to come pick me up or have those ‘talks’ with me when I’d cry uncontrollably and so on, this went on for nearly 7 months. Till one day … yeah, we did the nasty.

Truth be told, for the longest time he didn’t have more to contribute than a dick and some great conversation, but never had any money. And I do mean never, no job, no income at all. Eventually, it became something a little ‘more’ and like any other relationship, it’s goes through one phase to another … he’s still very much a part of my life and while I do love him, I’m hardly feeling fulfilled amongst other things. I don’t even know if it’s the ‘right’ kind of love to be honest. We’ve had arguments and have actually said to each other more than once that we didn’t really want each other, yet didn’t wanna see each other with anyone else. What the fuck does that even mean?

Now? We get along for the most part and that’s the problem. Kinda. I daydream about being with someone my own age, someone that’ll better understand the responsibilities of having teen-aged sons and a mortgage. What I once considered my rock, my safe place, I now sometimes see more as a paper weight.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate him if that makes any sense and I appreciate that he’s ‘there’ for me, but at my age – I just expected to be in a different place. Settled down, decent home, and so on. I’m not explaining this very well am I? *Sigh*

I’ve had men interested over the past couple of years that I’ve been interested in and honestly still wonder about a select few and often … but could it be I didn’t really feel that ‘connection’ like I thought  or did I feel they didn’t compare to him OR have I settled because it’s safe and I can be myself and he already knows how fucked up I really can be?

I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m not where I want to be and I don’t see the potential of even coming close to the future I dream of.

I hate how I think sometimes, doesn’t make me feel like a very good person.

The Versatile Blogger Award

Thank you kindly to the sweet Nessa. Nessa is a talented writer (though often a painful story, they’re always filled with raw emotion and always told beautifully), if only I could give advice the way she does … please visit and show her support! xxx

The Rules are:

1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post.

Thank you again for thinking of me Nessa!

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

  • I am obsessed with anything pink and sparkly, have several stuffed animals and Hello Kitty items. When shopping for something I need or want, if it comes in pink – you can be certain that’s the one I’ll pick out.
  • I’ve 7 brothers, no sisters, 3 sons, no daughters. (Likely justification for the above, self-explanatory I think! Lol)
  • I’m terrified of most bugs, spiders are the worst. Refuse to go through car washes (scared. to. death.), birds scare me and I’m moderately claustrophobic.
  • Over the past year have been diagnosed with BPD, borderline bi-polar (I’m uncertain as to what borderline means, to be honest) and manic depression.
  • I’m currently in a competition to lose weight, in which the winner could potentially win a prize of $5000. I have until July 1st to meet my goal of 130lbs.
  • I enjoy decorative painting, reading and designing websites. But with that said, am easily distracted, have a hard time staying on task so it can sometimes take me quite a while to actually finish anything I’ve started. Sometimes, I do have major boosts of energy and will-power where I’ll get things that have been lingering, ignored or put off for weeks, finished up in an afternoon.
  • I no longer consider Marijuana “harmless”.

3. Pass this award along to 15 recently discovered blogs you enjoy reading.

15 10 is a lot, this won’t be easy! These are in no particular order …

1. The Musings of Dave I’ve actually just stumbled across his blog and find he covers some rather interesting topics and can be a little humoursly entertaining to boot!

2. Luke Dear Lukey. Not for the faint of heart perhaps (I don’t know how else to say it). The man is very direct regarding his experiences, needs, wants, etc. But with that said, he’s grown on me and I’m interested in following and watching him discover the “Why do I’s”.

3. Melissa Melissa has a lot on her plate. I appreciate the honesty in her posts and feel I ‘connect’ on a variety of levels.

4. Frisky Mittens I love reading her honest and emotionally filled poetry, though it often leaves me teary eyed. Sweet girl, she deserves all the support in the world. I’m so thankful for the support she’s given me. ♥

5. SMHB Sweet guy, also on a mission to better his health and lifestyle … please show him some support!

6. A Lonely Runner A gentle man, but so hard on himself … he’s going through a rough time and I wish him the best in 2012. ♥

7. Amber One of my biggest supporters … I only wish I could give her advice as valuable as she’s given me. Beautiful writer and there hasn’t been a post yet, that hasn’t held my interest and kept me coming back for more. ♥

8. Brenda I love her fun and ‘crafty’ recipes. I know it sounds a little odd considering I’m on a lose weight endeavour, but have a look – and you’ll see why I’m so addicted to least checking each and every one of her posts out! 😛

9. Alyssa Need some advice? Here’s a go to girl … Alyssa posts some interesting stuff and with her witty comments, it always makes for an interesting and fun read.

10. Melanie Melanie is beautiful, honest and I find her so motivating … she has a huge influence on me and my want to get healthier. ♥

4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.

And I’m off!

Fatttttttttt

Right, OK. So, I’m an idiot.

This is the final night of the weed, just finished it up. Fucked up my eating the other night, yesterday was shit (the right choices but seriously over ate) and today, well … chocolate and everything else ffs. Everyone keeps saying “It’s Christmas” blah blah blah, but, to myself I think NO FUCKING MORE EXCUSES!

On a lighter note, Christmas was nice. Had a great morning with my kids and then had ALL my boys together when my oldest and his girlfriend showed up. 🙂 Feels awkward sometimes though when they’re over, today did at least, things just so quiet … much of the talk was of nothing specifac. Can’t quite put my finger on it …

Anyway, I’ve fucked up, moods off and I feel frustrated, a little lazy and I’ve the energy of a nuns c^nt.

 

I wrote, deleted,wrote deleted, closed the page …

I wish I knew what I wanted.

In life, in men, from myself. I’m so up and down sometimes. Lost.  Frustrated. Discouraged. And very lonely in so many ways.

I wish I could understand why I’ve become the way I have,  so I could just stop it or at least better control it. These anti-depressant are bullshit and do nothing but give me headaches, make me feel nauseous half the time and make it impossible to rub one off.

1:22 am Christmas morning and I’m sitting in front of the computer, smoking a bowl, eating pistachios and popcorn and downing disgusting amounts of Pepsi. Yep, f a i l. I was giving myself the excuse that “it’s Christmas” so it was acceptable. Christmas, yeah, woopdee fuck.

I do look forward to my kids in the morning, it’s the only joy in Christmas for me – my boys, but aside from that, all it does is remind of the harsh reality of my future and where I’m going, or should I say not going …

Tomorrow’s a new day and I’m gonna get right back on the wagon, forget this didn’t happen and promise to not let it happen again.

Happy Christmas all xxx

Well Then

I’ve been so busy catching up on everyone elses posts, I’ve neglected to update on my wonderful life. Ha.

Wednesday was my ‘weigh in’ … lost 6 pounds the first week! That was the result of eating properly … today for only the second time, I’ve managed to toss some good old-fashioned exercise into the mix. Treadmill, 30 minutes, nearly died. It’s been so long.

Christmas is done, all I’ll be doing at least.

My mood has been shit, tired, lazy, cranky, feeling sorry for myself, not wanting to bother with anyone, ignoring the phone, texts, etc. Same shit different day yeah. Falling behind in bills again. I find that in order to keep up with one bill, I fall behind in another, never a happy medium. So tired of this shit, tired of talking about it, tired of writing about it, tired of worrying about it. 39 years old and I feel 90 some days. Speaking of which, I can see crows feet or whatever you call it forming around my eyes, I think. 😦 Holy eff.

Think it’s time I’ve written about my personal life, the man thing … in desperate need of some advice. Life is going nowhere, can’t imagine anything improving in this shit hole of a town and if I hear one more person say to me ‘life is whatcha make it’ I’m gonna kick em in the #$#@*!

I’ll save it for tomorrow, gonna stick Revolution Road in and fall asleep.

I feel that Gawd hates me and I don’t know why
My heart pains daily and I just wanna cry

I’ve texted my dealer he’s replied with a grin
I know it’s been weeks but I’m about to give in

I long for stability, I’m so fucking tired
I’m really longing to get completely wired

God help me

It’s early Monday morning and I’ve waken up much earlier than usual. It’s Christmas vacation, so long and behold, when I know it’s alright to sleep in – something has me up …

Been thinking a lot about my son lately, my oldest son, 21 year old. Some days I can barely think about or look at pictures of him when he was little without becoming teary eyed, sometimes, I even find myself crying uncontrollably. But nothing compares to what I felt this morning when I woke up.

I dream about him a lot, see him when he was 3, 4, 5, 6 years of age, sweet little thing he was, trusting – loving eyes, soft spoken little baby voice, so curious he was, god what I would give to go back to those days. I woke up with my pillow soaked in tears, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Since I’ve been awake, I have to focus on not thinking about him, I can hear his voice as a child in my head and see him smiling, but I cry uncontrollably. Even at the sight of his pictures, I just feel such pain, so emotional – jesus, what the hell is going on with me?

Was his childhood ok? I mean, from his point of view? I plan on asking him, but it’ll have to be in an email – not sure I can do it to his face. I loved him so much, I still do – but feel as though I’d let him down so many times.

His father and I broke up when he was only 2 and I had just turned19 at that time. I remember leaving him with sitters a lot on the weekends so I could run to the fucking bars. I father tried hard ‘to get me back’ for nearly a year it was, I spent many afternoons and evenings crying over him, but never took him back. Instead, went through a series of short-term relationships with idiots. I’ve always loved his father, even to this day I hold a special place for him in my heart.

I’d gradually meet the younger boys dad, he was and forgive me for saying this … fuck sakes, I don’t know how to say it. Let’s just say that when he was straight, he was gentle, loving and caring, but when he was under the influence of anything, he turned nasty and vile. That was the first abusive relationship I’d been in, and though he never treated my son badly, my son still saw things that happened between us. He died 6 years ago of a drug overdose, neither of the boys got to know him very well. They saw him occasionally in town perhaps, where he’d hand them a few bucks from a large wad of money he’d have rolled up inside of his pocket, but that was the extent of it.

After the relationship with him, I moved onto my ‘marriage’. That was a wonderful relationship for the longest time, he was wonderful with myself and the kids, excepted them as his own even … but gradually, it just fell apart. Partly poor communication, part him working away and always being gone. I would eventually find out he had cheated and only months after we’d bought a new house.

I eventually sold the house and almost lost it to the bank in the process. While I was just scraping by at making the payments, etc, it was just too much and instead of having him around to ‘fix’ something, etc, I couldn’t afford the upkeep/maintenance. That was difficult. When we’d moved into the house, i promised the kids that was it – never again would we move. Right. No more promises do I make. 😦

Over the course of the years, I think it’s safe to say that my oldest has seen me as ‘unstable’ emotionally, what has that done to him I wonder?

I wish I would’ve waited and had the same kids LATER, so that I could’ve enjoyed him all to myself longer, I just can’t get the image of him as a little boy out of my head, I hear his voice, see his smile … isn’t it suppose to be a good feeling, those memories? Even now I can’t control the tears, so I’ve gotta stop and turn it all OFF.

$$$

Why is there never enough of it anyway? Money. I’ve bought all the gifts I can really, but have gotten my two younger sons a little more (they’re 16 & 18) than my first-born baby of 21 years. He lives with his girlfriend and I know they do their thing Christmas morning just like anyone else, but I feel guilty that I didn’t get him the same as the other two. Still got him what I refer to as a ‘big’ gift, but only a couple of things besides, whereas the other two weren’t spoiled by any means (and nothing too expensive this year *cries*), but got additional things (stocking) and clothes. Do you know what I mean? Is that alright? Or should it still be equal? I’ve always wonder if this is acceptable or not.

God I love my kids, I mean I LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM and sometimes fear I don’t show it enough or say the right things, or guide them properly, etc. I hate when they ask for simple things that most kids have or lunch money when I don’t have it or that their rooms look somewhat ‘ghetto’ (the 16 year old said that one day, then chuckled about it, though I do think he meant it) with their mismatched sheets and furniture and so on. If I had the money, they likely would have everything they asked for … within reason of course. But they’d never want for anything, go without the ‘in style’ clothes or go hungry. It’s hard being mom and dad both, I’m finding the boys to be a challenge at times. But on the bright side, at their ages – none of them wanna run the roads, drink, do drugs (yeah, was just mom – and more on that tomorrow) or drink, and so on. So I consider myself lucky. Sure, they’re a little mouth at times, but it’s better in my opinion, than having them getting into trouble and always wondering where they are, what they’re doing, etc.

And they know what it’s like to struggle, we’ve had times that I’d scrounge up  3 or 4 bucks and head to the grocery store to buy as many Mr Noodles as it would allow. I remember bitching at them about not eating them all so they’d have something for ‘tomorrow’ or for their lunch at school, jesus. thank god those days are over – and be damned if we’re ever in that situation again. I feel so bad sometimes for the life I’ve given them, but I’ll save that for another time.

My eating is going great and though I still feel the grocery bill has gone up a notch, I’m trying my best to make the best decisions while shopping. Haven’t gotten to the exercise yet, but I’m planning to jump on the treadmill tomorrow, even if it’s only for 20 minutes gotta start somewhere, right?

Anyway, this was a little random again, several things on my mind but feeling a bit sickish tonight. Those meds for some reason and all of a sudden are making me feel crappy, at least I think it’s the meds.

Great so far!

I’ve actually had 2 very good days in a row, eating well (though I was so hungry when I went to bed last night, I actually dreampt of eating Lol) today I didn’t feel all that great, so it was kind of easy, as I had little desire to eat to begin with. My doctor has upped my anti-depressants and I think it’s why I felt sick.

Anyway, off to do a little shopping early tomorrow morning so gonna hit the sack – hope everyone’s off to a great weekend. x