Archive for January, 2012


What the %^&*#?!

Only down 1 pound this week 😦 Why is that? I’ve been working so hard, and this makes it the second week in a row that I haven’t moved the scales too awful  much. I’m working out 4/5 times a week and believe me, I’m working hard and making every second count. My eating has been as it should be, though I’m wondering if some days I’m not eating enough? Ha. I don’t know about that one. I say that because if I get up late, my breakfast is late, I’ll end up skipping lunch (because it’s too damn soon to eat again) supper as I normally would, then in the evening a bowl of cereal, fruit maybe – and a coffee at most.

I’ve noticed (finally!) my legs are starting to look toned and such, could it have anything to do with incorporating strength training into my workouts a couple of times a week or is it normal to have a couple of shit weeks to begin with?

I’m not really discouraged, ok, maybe a little, but I’m still motivated and have every intention on just sticking with it.  ♥

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Yeah, be JELLY!

Like my new sneakers? They’re gawjuss I think, perfectly pink and purple, mind you, sparklies would’ve completed the look. Lol Can’t remember the last time I had a decent pair of sneakers.

I can’t wait to work out tomorrow. 🙂

Prettiful ~

Regrets

Looking into the mirror and all I see is an aging, unfulfilled, unhappy woman, desperate to be accepted, desperate to love and be loved back and desperate to become more – though I know I’ll never be anything more than what I am or have been already. It’s too late.

I can’t help but wonder where the years have gone and can’t seem to stop myself from wanting to look back and wonder about each ‘lifetime’ … I ask myself when I was the happiest, but I don’t know that I ever was. I’ve always had this painful feeling from deep within of not belonging, not good enough, or feeling I’ve gotta chase to get myself a little ‘peace’ (of the mind and heart).  Stability. What is it? What does it mean to have it in your life?

You know how some people are constantly going from one job to another always looking for something better? I’m the same way, it’s horrible because in my opinion, I’ve never given myself the chance to become great at anything. I get bored, didn’t like the job to begin, uncomfortable feeling I was being  judged and the list goes on. Anyway, think I’ve been the same in all my relationships to an extent … the ones worth fighting for and keeping, I’ve let them slip away so easily and to this day think about the ‘what ifs’, o god the regrets, and the ones never worth a fuck to begin with are the ones I’ve obsessed over and tried to keep. Is it somebody else’s life I’ve been chasing?

I see lines forming around my eyes, some grey hairs that need re-doing, eyebrows that need another waxing, scars on my belly from a variety of surgeries, boobs pointing to my toes basically and skin dryer than an elephants.

This weirdship I’m in with someone 10 years younger gets to me, and though I can’t imagine him not being in my life – I can’t help but feel that one day he’ll wanna move on to someone closer to his own age and likely start a family of his own. His age is a lifetime ago for me, and I feel most days that I’ve put my life on hold.

I want to get caught up with everyone, I’m sorry I haven’t been around, I’m so lost lately. I always feel like I’m ‘missing’ someone or something, like I’m always in mourning. 😦 Will catch up tomorrow.

Hope everyone is well. ♥

 

Am I weird?

I really don’t have any friends. I’ve people I say hello too and ask how they’re doing in passing … but that’s it. The only people I speak to daily are my 2 kids still living home with me (sometimes that’s very little) and N. I’d be pretty damn lonely if he wasn’t in my life and quite honestly, him being nearly 10 years younger, I’m convinced that the day will come where he’ll wanna move on. Somedays I feel as though I’m waiting for it.

I’ve men that I’ve met in the past that I was interested in, yet just couldn’t make that break from N, soooo I believe I’d led each of them on to an extent. First there’s M, whom I met nearly 7 years ago now, back when I was thin and in shape for the first time since I was 17. He’d bring me coffee and come and chat a bit off/on at my place of work, even brought me a sweet birthday card and daisies (favorite flower) but then one day, I met a rotten prick and decided that being called ‘babe’ and knowing he had been in trouble a bit over the years was more appealing. This guy worked at a furniture store, and M is a phys-ed teacher. As sweet as M was, I’ve always thought that his only interest was finding a place to dump it … we’d lost touch a couple of years, then started talking/flirting, email only at first, then he’d come to see me at the store I was working in (yes, again) . And again, I went with the flow and kept it all going till I just couldn’t anymore. Gawd, I’m not making any sense am I? Point is, he’s tried to keep in touch all this time and is still interested even after my weight gain. I know I am, kinda. Always have been, kinda. I can’t help but question why a good looking, muscle-bound guy would want with me, unless of course I was right along and he’s still curious.

There’s J. He and I did the email, he too would come see me at work … text lots, etc, then BANG. I stop because I have too. Trapped, can’t get out of this or I’m alone and everything is different, or is that the problem? My heads all over the place …

Last, there’s D. I dunno why but this guy I go out of my way to avoid, he’s a sweet sweet guy, but I can’t – don’t want to see him face to face. He was the sweetest to me, and I led him on and then disappeared, I couldn’t go any further. I’ve wanted too, hearts wanted too – but something stops me. I still think of him and wish I could’ve just gone with it, but then I would’ve had no choice but to put N out of my life and when it boils down to it, I don’t know how or if I even want to or if my reasons are fair on the days I do want it, do you know what I mean?

N was there for me when I hit rock bottom, he was my rock I think and I fear that one day I’ll have regrets. As for D, Ive so badly wanted to email him at least and explain things, but I know that’s just NUTS.

Um. On another note I’ve noticed I’ve been doing some off shit over the past few … maybe months. I thought it would stop, but it seems to be getting worse. I’ve the need to constantly clear my throat and I keep twitching my face, like scrunching my eyes or blinking hard, etc, even when I’m working out – it’s making me wanna become less sociable than what I am if that’s possible, I fear somebody will see me do it.

Grrr!

Only down a pound from last week, I know it’s gonna happen every so often but it’s still a disappointment. 😦

I’ve been working so hard … but, this morning after weighing myself, I got right back at it and had a helluva workout. Doing 2 days on, one-off now. For me to make this a regular part of my life I need the commitment to be one that I actually stick with and won’t complain about trying to maintain, I hope this is enough. I do try to make ever second of my workouts count – so I’m confidant this is OK.

I’ve a bit of a student loan kicking in soon and yes, I know what it’s meant for but I really want this pink (yes PINK!) set of furniture I found on Kijiji. They’re only asking $150 for it and it’s the couch, loveseat and chair – very good condition and they’ll even deliver it for another $10. Should I or shouldn’t I? I need decent furniture.

Anyway, it’s 2:24pm and I’ve very little I feel like doing, though much I could do. Clean, study, bid on a few jobs via GAF, but I just can’t be bothered. Think I’ll play a game or two on Pogo. Ha.

2 Scoops in Every Box

I’ve changed a few of my pages just a bit, some to allow comments, and I’ve added a Before & After Pictures page … I know, dear Gawd.

O, I’ve begun using the Jillian Michaels Shred Dvd as part of my work out on some days, just to gimmie a break from the treadmill, mind you the weather here has been mild enough during the day to run outside – but I doubt anyone’s gonna see my ass bouncing down the road just yet … Lol It’s around 28 minutes long (there’s 3 separate work-outs, all around the same length of time) and combines cardio with strength training. Damn challenging, but I love it!

Signed up for a free month of Netflix today, likely only check it out for the month then cancel it though.

Anyway, it’s going on 1:30am and morning comes early!

Will catch up on posts again tomorrow. x

Whatever

So many things have been going through my head today these past few days – a couple of times I thought about stopping what I was doing (which was likely just being on the damn computer) and posting here, but then I say to myself, why effing bother? Same shit OVER AND OVER, ain’t it?

Been thinking a lot about the people who have been in and out of my life, the decisions I’ve made in the past and how lightly I’d taken some things and how the consequences of my actions have made me who I am and have me where I am today. Feel like I’ve lost so much of myself, sometimes I’ve no idea who I really am or if I even like myself. I can’t stick to anything, I promise to do things I more than often don’t do and worst of all, I’ve given my kids this wonderful life of living in a fucking shit hole of a nasty town and wondering some days if they’re gonna eat or be able to afford a second pair of underwear, once they’ve grown out of the 3 pairs they have. Financially, things haven’t been bad these past few weeks, but the goodness never lasts.

I’m having panic attacks, a hard time getting to sleep and when I finally do, it’s a bitch to get up in the morning, if it’s still morning at all. Having problems concentrating, staying on task, always feel like I’m dragging my ass, headaches at random, a bit cranky and ridiculously anti-social lately, crying easily and flat-out feeling mentally exhausted, useless and beat down.

I’ve still not seen the doctor again regarding my medications, I keep thinking that maybe I’ll one day ‘snap’ out of this or that it’s a phase and I’ll be alright, etc.

I’m still eating healthy and exercising, I kinda thought a lot of this would go away or at least it’d help, but aside from the scale moving (slow but steady) I’m not feeling any different and my ‘head’ hasn’t become any more clear. Yes, I assumed it would make a huge difference, isn’t it supposed to?

I’m back to smoking, well, kinda. 6-7 a day now, I honestly don’t give a shit anymore. Same with the pot, I have it, I’m smoking it here in a bit and thankfully, I’ve been managing my eating just FINE.

I can’t keep writing things like this, it’s boring the ass off me.

Just a Quickie

A quickie post, I only wish it were the other kind!

Anyway, my weigh-in was today …. *drum roll* Weighed in at 168lbs! A 3.5 pound losss this week. The 14th is picture taking time again, ick.

These past few days have been good, think I’ve been ‘better’ to myself in so many ways. More later!

I have a belly button

I know I haven’t been posting as much lately, it isn’t because I’m losing interest – it’s just that I feel as though I’ve nothing to write about aside from my usual, complaining, whining, crying of my ‘failures’ and so on.

Yesterday and today have gone really well, eating properly (and not craving anything junky – though still having those late night snacks), working out, etc. I’ve been sneaking approx 3-4 cigs a day though. I do still want to stop, but I just feel the need to put all my effort into making eating healthy and exercise a regular part of my existence … make those a habit first. When I feel ready to bid my final farewell to the cigs, I will. Cutting back to 3-4 day is just enough that I’m no longer obsessing over my break-up with them.

I’ve still a little pot and have to admit that I was pretty high again last night, it was late and I did it only moments before slipping into bed. Stuck in a movie, laughed a bit and gradually drifted off to sleep.

Bit lost for words. ♥

Letting myself down

I’ve slipped back into the hole, I just don’t get it.

I’ve given up pot, smoking, was taking my meds, working out regularly, eating right, etc, until a couple of days ago. BAM. FUCKING POW. First just a ‘little’ pot, then a ‘little’ more, but then hey, someone offers you a sweet deal and I think o yeah, I can handle this, I’m OK – and here I am again on a fucking bender it feels like. High every night, ignoring everyone, text messages I rarely check till I feel like actually moving and saying the hell with the meds.

Maybe they were helping more than I think, at least I felt like I was in control better when I actually stick with them, but one of the worst side effects is that it can make rubbing one-off near impossible, it’s like everything goes numb down there and I often feel somewhat sedated on them – and not the fun kind of sedated either… it frustrates me so damn bad sometimes.

Back to the drawing board tomorrow, I’ll still have some pot left though, why did I do this? One thing I believe to be true of smoking point, and more now than ever that it DOES rob you of any motivation.