Tag Archive: hurt


Wow

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve posted, I feel guilty about my lack of commitment and even more so like I’m letting those I’ve been following closely, down. I think about posting regularly, I just don’t do it … I’m feeling so socially disconnected from the outside world right now. 😦

I’ve been eating ok and sticking with my work-outs, but I’m ashamed to report that I’m smoking again and have a nice little stash of pot sitting in front of me.

I’ve been in and out of a dark place these past few weeks, honestly, truth be told – I’m always in the damn place, it’s just some moments (it’s never a full day) I’m able to push shit aside, ignore it, pretend it isn’t there. Or maybe it’s just that I pretend I’m another person and this isn’t really my life at all.

I need to see the doctor again, but I’m always putting it off or not showing up for my appointments because I worry she’s judging me or just bored with hearing the same bullshit and self-pity garbage over and over, at least that’s all I feel it equates too sometimes. I desperately want to talk to somebody, a professional and feel they’re genuinely interested in what I’m saying and wanting to help me help myself get better, but those appointments I miss as well. Never to re-book of course.

Lately, I’m feeling like I look so damn old, 39 going on 73. Lines around my eyes are becoming more noticable every day it seems and I can’t stop this damn scrunching and squinting. Now, I’m doing the ‘clearing your throat’ sound over and over and over, I try not to do these things – but I JUST CAN’T STOP. My weight and self-image has been the worst battle when it comes to how I feel about myself, and that alone has made me about as anti-social as thought possible, and now I’ve all this weird shit I’m doing with my face and throat to add to it. It’s so embarrassing.

It isn’t just social situations I’ve problems with … I can’t keep a damn job it seems. I’m like a damn serial jobist, I get them easy, sometimes I actually enjoy them, but sooner or later, it’s the people – being around them all the time, getting to know people, I always feel the need after a few months, sometimes weeks, to get away, to escape. Always a need to try to isolate myself just to avoid human contact outside of the home. It’s taking its toll on me, I’m getting restless, increasing bored with my life and feel as though I bring nothing good to those with the misfortune that actually get to spend any time around me. Most of the time, we’re behind damn screens doing jack shit anyway and it’s likely safe but sad to say that my emotional issues have rubbed off onto my kids. I can’t help but consume myself with the thoughts that they’d be better off without me, since I do nothing to motivate them and likely bring them down anyway.

I miss living, where do I begin? I’m consumed with emotional baggage I need to let go of, it’s making me NUTS. I just can’t do this everyday for another 15, 20 years – there will be nothing left of me.

 

 

Advertisements

God help me

It’s early Monday morning and I’ve waken up much earlier than usual. It’s Christmas vacation, so long and behold, when I know it’s alright to sleep in – something has me up …

Been thinking a lot about my son lately, my oldest son, 21 year old. Some days I can barely think about or look at pictures of him when he was little without becoming teary eyed, sometimes, I even find myself crying uncontrollably. But nothing compares to what I felt this morning when I woke up.

I dream about him a lot, see him when he was 3, 4, 5, 6 years of age, sweet little thing he was, trusting – loving eyes, soft spoken little baby voice, so curious he was, god what I would give to go back to those days. I woke up with my pillow soaked in tears, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Since I’ve been awake, I have to focus on not thinking about him, I can hear his voice as a child in my head and see him smiling, but I cry uncontrollably. Even at the sight of his pictures, I just feel such pain, so emotional – jesus, what the hell is going on with me?

Was his childhood ok? I mean, from his point of view? I plan on asking him, but it’ll have to be in an email – not sure I can do it to his face. I loved him so much, I still do – but feel as though I’d let him down so many times.

His father and I broke up when he was only 2 and I had just turned19 at that time. I remember leaving him with sitters a lot on the weekends so I could run to the fucking bars. I father tried hard ‘to get me back’ for nearly a year it was, I spent many afternoons and evenings crying over him, but never took him back. Instead, went through a series of short-term relationships with idiots. I’ve always loved his father, even to this day I hold a special place for him in my heart.

I’d gradually meet the younger boys dad, he was and forgive me for saying this … fuck sakes, I don’t know how to say it. Let’s just say that when he was straight, he was gentle, loving and caring, but when he was under the influence of anything, he turned nasty and vile. That was the first abusive relationship I’d been in, and though he never treated my son badly, my son still saw things that happened between us. He died 6 years ago of a drug overdose, neither of the boys got to know him very well. They saw him occasionally in town perhaps, where he’d hand them a few bucks from a large wad of money he’d have rolled up inside of his pocket, but that was the extent of it.

After the relationship with him, I moved onto my ‘marriage’. That was a wonderful relationship for the longest time, he was wonderful with myself and the kids, excepted them as his own even … but gradually, it just fell apart. Partly poor communication, part him working away and always being gone. I would eventually find out he had cheated and only months after we’d bought a new house.

I eventually sold the house and almost lost it to the bank in the process. While I was just scraping by at making the payments, etc, it was just too much and instead of having him around to ‘fix’ something, etc, I couldn’t afford the upkeep/maintenance. That was difficult. When we’d moved into the house, i promised the kids that was it – never again would we move. Right. No more promises do I make. 😦

Over the course of the years, I think it’s safe to say that my oldest has seen me as ‘unstable’ emotionally, what has that done to him I wonder?

I wish I would’ve waited and had the same kids LATER, so that I could’ve enjoyed him all to myself longer, I just can’t get the image of him as a little boy out of my head, I hear his voice, see his smile … isn’t it suppose to be a good feeling, those memories? Even now I can’t control the tears, so I’ve gotta stop and turn it all OFF.