Why is there never enough of it anyway? Money. I’ve bought all the gifts I can really, but have gotten my two younger sons a little more (they’re 16 & 18) than my first-born baby of 21 years. He lives with his girlfriend and I know they do their thing Christmas morning just like anyone else, but I feel guilty that I didn’t get him the same as the other two. Still got him what I refer to as a ‘big’ gift, but only a couple of things besides, whereas the other two weren’t spoiled by any means (and nothing too expensive this year *cries*), but got additional things (stocking) and clothes. Do you know what I mean? Is that alright? Or should it still be equal? I’ve always wonder if this is acceptable or not.

God I love my kids, I mean I LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM and sometimes fear I don’t show it enough or say the right things, or guide them properly, etc. I hate when they ask for simple things that most kids have or lunch money when I don’t have it or that their rooms look somewhat ‘ghetto’ (the 16 year old said that one day, then chuckled about it, though I do think he meant it) with their mismatched sheets and furniture and so on. If I had the money, they likely would have everything they asked for … within reason of course. But they’d never want for anything, go without the ‘in style’ clothes or go hungry. It’s hard being mom and dad both, I’m finding the boys to be a challenge at times. But on the bright side, at their ages – none of them wanna run the roads, drink, do drugs (yeah, was just mom – and more on that tomorrow) or drink, and so on. So I consider myself lucky. Sure, they’re a little mouth at times, but it’s better in my opinion, than having them getting into trouble and always wondering where they are, what they’re doing, etc.

And they know what it’s like to struggle, we’ve had times that I’d scrounge up  3 or 4 bucks and head to the grocery store to buy as many Mr Noodles as it would allow. I remember bitching at them about not eating them all so they’d have something for ‘tomorrow’ or for their lunch at school, jesus. thank god those days are over – and be damned if we’re ever in that situation again. I feel so bad sometimes for the life I’ve given them, but I’ll save that for another time.

My eating is going great and though I still feel the grocery bill has gone up a notch, I’m trying my best to make the best decisions while shopping. Haven’t gotten to the exercise yet, but I’m planning to jump on the treadmill tomorrow, even if it’s only for 20 minutes gotta start somewhere, right?

Anyway, this was a little random again, several things on my mind but feeling a bit sickish tonight. Those meds for some reason and all of a sudden are making me feel crappy, at least I think it’s the meds.

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