Tag Archive: meds

Letting myself down

I’ve slipped back into the hole, I just don’t get it.

I’ve given up pot, smoking, was taking my meds, working out regularly, eating right, etc, until a couple of days ago. BAM. FUCKING POW. First just a ‘little’ pot, then a ‘little’ more, but then hey, someone offers you a sweet deal and I think o yeah, I can handle this, I’m OK – and here I am again on a fucking bender it feels like. High every night, ignoring everyone, text messages I rarely check till I feel like actually moving and saying the hell with the meds.

Maybe they were helping more than I think, at least I felt like I was in control better when I actually stick with them, but one of the worst side effects is that it can make rubbing one-off near impossible, it’s like everything goes numb down there and I often feel somewhat sedated on them – and not the fun kind of sedated either… it frustrates me so damn bad sometimes.

Back to the drawing board tomorrow, I’ll still have some pot left though, why did I do this? One thing I believe to be true of smoking point, and more now than ever that it DOES rob you of any motivation.


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Well, I must say I’ve had a much better day today … ate well (though I’m picking again tonight, ffs) had a good work out. Moods a little better, not sure what’s been going on with me to be honest, tired of feeling frustrated and about ready to give up some days I guess. Before I forget to mention it, I put my last cigarette out 12:am Jan 1st. I know it’s a good thing yes, but I’d still smoke one (or 10) if I had them.

I am so damn tired lately, always feel like I’m dragging my ass – why is that? I’m eating properly for the most part, getting some excercise, yet I am always tired. Could it be the meds after all? I’ve told the doctor a couple of times that I’ve been getting headaches, feeling sick off/on AND this stuff seriously desensitizes¬† my you know what and I HATE THAT! But I feel like she’s brushing me off and just tells me to stick with them. I don’t know, I’ve never been very good when it comes to taking anything regularly, so maybe she thinks they’re excuses and I’m trying to get out of taking them?

Anyway, I’d better go – I need to enforce this internet off at 10pm thing on school night … lead by example they say, ha. Whoever ‘they’ is.