Omg, I so didn’t expect to be where I’m at, at my age. This July I’ll be the big 4-0, single and living similarly to the way I did 20 damn years ago. My oldest lives with his girlfriend, middle son will be 19 and moving away to work and it’s just the ‘baby’ left. Mind you, he’ll be 17 in May.  Some days I’m really afraid I’ll be left alone in this big scary world.

I fear being single and to be honest, I’ve never allowed myself to be single for any length of time … 2 months tops – and even then I’ve likely spent time with someone.

This is the summer to say the fuck with men in general (well, I could occasionally get the odd piece, right? ha.) With that being said, I don’t seem to wear being single very well I’m afraid. Usually become more destructive than usual, meaning partying/drinking/running to the bars and as much as I hate to admit it, if I’m feeling really good, beyond the normal barriers most of us try to barricade ourselves with – I’ll even try to get laid here and there, which only results in my feeling dirty and whorish.

If there really is such a thing as woman being in their ‘prime’, I’m there. Some days, I’m hornier than a 10 peckered billy-goat. Sweet talk, I know. Thank you.

My Kerri is supposed to call me on Tuesday and let me know when to come in for the final bit of evaluating … really looking forward to getting all that the hell over with and seeing what their new diagnosis may be.

The new talk now with him, is that he’s leaving a week after I do (why the fuck is he doing that anyway instead of the original date, ffs) claims he’s only staying there a month, but as you can tell – instinct tells me otherwise, so I’m trying not to focus on it AT ALL between now and then, it’s a waste of time and there’s nothing I can do about it. I keep telling myself that just maybe it’s for the best, so yeah.

The reality of it all will sink in once I return and that’s the moment I’m fearing most … time to smoke a joint.

Speaking of which, I visited my neighbor last night, she isn’t much different from I … not sure why we don’t spend any time together. She does a lot of isolating too, guess that’s my answer. Anyway, I rolled a big, fat one and not only did we sit and relax, laugh (for a change!) but we also tried to figure a few things out to help ourselves … more on that later.

My kids and I got our matching tattoos a few days ago, means family:

O, and one more thing before I forget, I put some of the signs on the local auction site (though there’s 2000+ people already) and they’re doing alright, the auctioning isn’t over for them until the 20th, so I’ll report back what they sold for lol I don’t expect much more than 10 bucks, but it’s 10 bucks I didn’t have AND if I make lots of them with different sayings, maybe I’ll get lucky and be able to make a few bucks on the side. lol

Here’s what I mean:

Alright, time to spark it up.