I think I’ve failed as a parent and a friend. God knows I’d failed at being a wife and girlfriend, my track record proves it.

I’m in such a dark place right now … I can’t help but cry because I’ve nothing to smoke. Tomorrow, I may very well pick up a few grams. Tonight, sadly, I’ve popped a few pills, just to numb and relax me a bit. I’d like to get one thing straight, I don’t want to give up pot for any other reason than the fact I can’t control my eating habits when I’m high, it should be enough, I know. But it isn’t. Not right now at least. And with Wednesday being my big ‘starting’ day, I should be just saying the hell with it and working on changing my routines, ALL routines to some extent, so what’s wrong with me that I haven’t? I’m fixated on feeling down, ashamed, guilt … truth be told I can barely make ends meet as it is and with Christmas coming it’s making me all the more … I don’t know what the word is. I’m such a disappointment to my family, my sons. I’ve made so many promises that we’re going to do this or that and I do mean them, but when the time comes – money won’t allow it. Currently I’m a student as well as on Employment Insurance, but scared to death of what will happen when it runs out, which I believe is around the first of May.

I’ve had one dead-end job after another, you know the kind – not much more than minimum wage, no benefits, those are hard to get around here. In fact, jobs in general are pretty scarce.

My family has money, I don’t mind you, I don’t think I really exist to any of them. I wouldn’t expect any handouts or such, but it would be nice if they’d drop by or give me a call once in a while and say ‘hey’. Some acknowledgement that I’m still breathing would be nice. It isn’t like I haven’t tried, but the thing is … when I still had my house, and a nice car and a great income, I was included in family events, etc. Since I’ve sold my house (I almost lost it), took my car back to the dealership and left that job – I stopped existing. I swear they judge and define a person by what they have.

I have this great competition coming up and it’s for a minimum of $5000, my worst fear is that I’ll not be able to afford decent groceries, I haven’t been able to so far – so … yeah.

My days are so up and down, or should I say my moods. Not interested in socializing in the least, talking on the phone or answering texts. 😦

I hardly provide my kids with what they need, nevermind anything else. Nice clothes, most of them are used the few they have. Shit lunches, fucking Mr. Noodles – GARBAGE. Their rooms look so damn ghetto, broken, mis-matched furniture, and think we’ve all just the one set of sheets. I’m educated, have a great resume – but it isn’t enough. I bang on about wanting them to continue their education when they’re done highschool but who am I kidding? I’ll never be able to pay for it, and student loans here are so difficult to get without ‘parents with money’ or co-signers, and we all know nobody wants any part of that. My father is a drunk and my mother lives far away.

Is this IT? Is this all life will ever be? Where the hell is my prince charming and why do I always end up settling for the bad boy fucks with no damn direction or goals in their life anyway? A man with something more to contribute to a relationship than a dick would be nice. But why would I want to bring anyone into ‘my world’ when I’ve nothing to offer aside from crying and feeling miserable all the time?

When I’m ‘Ok’, it’s as if I’ve manged to push my worries aside, ‘mask’ them. I feel worthless, tired, lazy, like I’ve nothing to give and as if I’m wasting away. Some days, I really consider leaving this world and the only thing that stops me is that I can’t imagine who would look after my youngest and treat him right, he’s 16. I can’t explain it. I’d gone to my doctor once and told her that I’ve thought about the following scenario time and time again: leaving this fucking place and taking him with me.

This post was all over the place, I’m aware of that.

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