I wrote, deleted,wrote deleted, closed the page …

I wish I knew what I wanted.

In life, in men, from myself. I’m so up and down sometimes. Lost.  Frustrated. Discouraged. And very lonely in so many ways.

I wish I could understand why I’ve become the way I have,  so I could just stop it or at least better control it. These anti-depressant are bullshit and do nothing but give me headaches, make me feel nauseous half the time and make it impossible to rub one off.

1:22 am Christmas morning and I’m sitting in front of the computer, smoking a bowl, eating pistachios and popcorn and downing disgusting amounts of Pepsi. Yep, f a i l. I was giving myself the excuse that “it’s Christmas” so it was acceptable. Christmas, yeah, woopdee fuck.

I do look forward to my kids in the morning, it’s the only joy in Christmas for me – my boys, but aside from that, all it does is remind of the harsh reality of my future and where I’m going, or should I say not going …

Tomorrow’s a new day and I’m gonna get right back on the wagon, forget this didn’t happen and promise to not let it happen again.

Happy Christmas all xxx

Advertisements