I stayed up late last night and did up a ‘budget’ for myself … it keeps me on top of everything till the end of May, well, except for May’s car payment and a decent grocery allowance, but it is what it is.

I am forcing myself to buy some pine tomorrow AND pick out a few items (few of each) for painting and THEN DOING IT. We’ve a local ‘auction’ group on FB and people are going nuts over those kinds of items, especially anything ‘country-ish’, it sounds like a good way to try to make a few bucks. Worth a shot.

He’s leaving the 18th. Things are still very strange, but I think I’ve found the right term to describe his behaviour, he’s pulling away emotionally. I’m no longer the one he talks to, confides in or want’s to laugh with. Our memories have all been created and I’m trying to make myself fully comprehend the fact. I feel so broken and frustrated, yet numb and helpless. I can’t convince him to wanna make coming back to me a priority and really, it’s doomed anyway if I’ve gotta try, isn’t it?

I’m gonna be 40 and single. Certainly never expected to be here. I’m really scared people … “God, if you’re up there,  I could use a little help right about now (O, and sorry about the joint I just smoked) …” 

For most of the day, he’s been short with me, barely a mumble when speaking and seems to be intentionally (yet, effortlessly) trying not to look at me and so on. He actually asked me to go ‘do something’ tonight so he could talk to this friend privately. I obliged.

He’s made a few comments today regarding the trip I’ll be taking (I leave the 13th of April for out west) and I’m getting the feeling he’s beginning to resent me somehow … he’s making a big deal about my ticket being paid for, thinks I’m gonna be ‘spoiled’, etc. Normally, when either of us gets a break or is treated nicely, etc, we’re genuinely happy for each other and tell each other that we deserve it. He’s never been like this.

I leave for Edmonton to visit with my mother, youngest brother and aunt, April, Friday the 13th (Yikes) and will be back on the 30th. I haven’t been on a plane since I was a kid and just the idea scares the hell outta me, not to mention the pain in the ass of having to switch planes in the middle of the damn flight. They felt a get away would be good for me, and it’s the first time anyone has ever reached out to me I gotta say. My relationship with my mother has never been a good one, or more non-existent is what I should be saying.

Anyway. I leave 5 days before he does, it suffocates me knowing he’ll not be here when I come back. The moments following, when the reality of it all sinks in, is what scares me the most.

I seemed to have gone off the eating well wagon over the past 2 days, not really eating much – and not eating decent when I do eat. Like a few bites of this or that. Back to it tomorrow … worked to hard for tis fucking around.