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I think a part of me has always known that this day would come.

He’s been planning to go to Ontario to visit his uncle and a friend for nearly a year maybe and now that the time is quickly approaching (Middle of April) things are really going fucking …

I don’t even know where to start, ffs. He’s 10 years younger than I am, no kids of his own, no responsibilities, etc.

Omg man, I wanna get this out so fucking bad and I can’t think of HOW.

I feel like I gotta organize my thoughts, only I can’t catch em.

 

How I’ve been losing …

A couple of people have asked me, what I’ve been doing to lose weight, so … lemme tell ya, not sure if it’s been all ‘good’ or not, but this is my way 98% of the time.

I’ve started off with the little (but important and effective) changes first, things I didn’t think I’d miss, or would easily get used it. For example, milk and 1 sugar in my coffee, instead of 2 sugar and nasty cream.You’ll not find any sugar, butter, salt or ‘white bread’ products in my home. I refuse to buy them and threw away what I had. Tortillas, bread, pita, flour, etc, all whole wheat. My bread (Dempsters) is only 50 cals a slice. The yogurt I buy is the no-sugar added kind and is only 35 cals a serving. No sugar cereals, Shredded Wheat, oatmeal and the plain boring Cheerios, is all you’ll find here. (No worries, your kids will eventually stop hating you lol)

My kids think I’m crazy I think, I measure everything – and will continue to do so until I’m certain of various portion sizes. I hadn’t realized till I started this thing that when you’re eating properly, you can actually have a shitload more than you think without going over your daily calorie allowance. Yes, I said allowance. Lol

I’ve found Sparkpeople.com to be a GREAT resource, and I take full advantage of the tools and advice on there. You can log your work-outs, food, etc. Also, it ‘tallies’ a variety of things for you, like the number of calories you should be consuming daily (with fibre, carbs, protein, etc, break downs), your BMI, healthy weight, approx ‘goal date’, etc. Mind you, the goal dates are often 5434534 years away but that’s okay – their basing it on a healthy 1-2 pound loss a week. Which is safe and really, the average at which I’ve been losing. At 5 feet 2 1/2 inches, my goal is 130lbs. I know, still 30 pounds to go and here I am trying to give advice! Lol 😛

Anyway, the following is a typical day for me when it comes to meals:

Breakfast:
Coffee
2 pieces of whole wheat toast (nothing on my toast cuz I like my eggs runny)
2 eggs
yogurt
piece of fruit (sometimes I’m too full and have this as my in between breakfast and lunch snack)

Lunch:
1/2 whole wheat pita stuffed with 1/2 can tuna, chopped celery, red pepper, lettuce, 1 tbsp light mayo and mustard, pepper
glass of milk

If I’m hungry in between I’ll usually another piece of fruit or some veggies and low cal dip (all measured out of course lol)

Supper:
Baked chicken or something alike
veggies (always!)
brown rice, ‘healthy’ potato wedges, etc.

In the evening I’ll usually have another container or yogurt with a bit of flax-seed in it. You get the idea.

When I first started my ‘work-outs’ were one day on, one day off, repeat, but only for the first couple of weeks, as I wanted to get the eating properly down pack … I’ve learned that no matter how much you work-out, you’ll not lose weight and/or keep it off without eating properly.

Now, I’m working out on average 2/3 days on, with one day off. It’s bullshit for me to try to commit to 5 days a week (especially in a row) because I know I’ll never stick to it. Though this way, works out to an average of 5 times a week most weeks.

I usually spend 45-60 minutes on the treadmill (intervals most days) and then do some strength training. I never work the same muscle groups two days in a row though.

I don’t know what else to say …

Any suggestions on how I could be doing things differently? This seems to be working for me and it’s something I can stick with, so though I’d like to change it up here and there I don’t know that I wanna fix something that isn’t broken, so to speak! ♥

Welp … 9 weeks and down 18.5 pounds. Honestly, I expected it to be more but I’m ok with it … didn’t put it on over night, not gonna lose it overnight! Def looking forward to the next few weigh-ins though, the lower it reads the more excited I become. Been thinking about little ‘rewards’. I’d like to do some tanning again, I know it’s kinda bad, but what isn’t it. Hm. At 150 maybe I’ll start doing it just enough to get some color, then at 140 a new hair-do! I’ve been keeping it trimmed, but aside from that haven’t been doing a damn thing with it. Anyway, I put the updated pictures here.

Had my dog properly groomed the other day, little diva she can be …

I love mai dawggie. xoxox

I went to see a therapist yesterday (I’m assuming that’s what she’s is), nice woman, nose and tongue pierced like myself, and her hair was similar AND she looked to be about the same age. I was trying so damn hard to be comfortable and though I avoided eye contact a lot, as I normally do – I ended up laying everything on the table and told her my deepest and darkest secrets, things I’ve never told another living soul in my entire life. A few ‘milestone’ things/incidents I was really afraid to share with her, but felt the need to tell her as much as I could. She had 7/8 pages of notes by the time the 90 minutes was over. That was yesterday. I’m back again Monday to finish with some evaluations, etc. I’m strangely looking forward to all this and pray that it’ll be the start to some emotional healing.

Getting a really bad taste in my mouth at ranom lately, like metal or tin or whatever, anyone else ever experience that? It isn’t my teeth no, just visited the dentist not long ago … and regardless of what I do I can’t get rid of it, it’s something I’ve never experienced before.

I still haven’t given up the cigs, and my gawd I feel like I stink sometimes, though I’m only smoking 6-7 a day. The pot though, yeah, I’ll save that for another day. Destructive one minute, then positive the next I know. I’m weird I think.

Time to do some catching up.

Still alive, yeah `

I’ve 2 drafts saved from what I’ve written over the past week, happy I didn’t post either … same shit, same cry-baby garbage. I’ve finally an appointment to see someone Thursday morning, 90 minutes she said, I hope she walks me through it cuz I haven’t a clue of where to start.

So tired.

Eating right, check.

Working out, check.

Yep, smoking and again, planning to stop … a part of me is ready, but not really.

Lots of pot.

F.A.I.L.

Sorry I haven’t been around to comment much, I’ve been reading tons – but with each day that passes, I isolate myself more and more … ignoring the phone, text messages, simple emails, going places, etc. Yeah.

I love, yearn for and miss … something. Maybe I haven’t even had it yet. VOID.

 

R.I.P. Grammy

Tough and stubborn she was for 96 … after more than a week of taking turns spending the night (and sleeping very little) she finally passed away shortly after 3 this morning. Selfish perhaps, but I’m thankful I wasn’t the one with her last night. This past week has been long, tedious, sad and confusing.

I apologise for not keeping up with anyone, I’ll hopefully play catch up tonight, anxious to see how a few of you are doing and if you’re ‘Ok’. xxx

Was only down a half a pound on last weeks weigh-in, and though I did take the pictures – I’ve not had much time to get them up … will try and get that done over the next day or two.

xxx

 

 

Fucking BULLIES

My 16 year old son just texted me and said he thinks he’s gonna be suspended … some kid ‘sacked’ him (had to look that one up, ha) then kicked him like 20 times. 😦 RAGE! Sooo … my son smashed his head into the wall and all I could say was GOOD, GLAD YOU DID SOMETHING BACK. Is that bad? My son isn’t aggressive by any means, a bit of a pushover sadly and I know he had to have been really pushed over the edge to do anything back … so many times he’s just walked away from anything physical. Surprisingly, he’s always maintained really good grades despite the daily bullshit.

My youngest son, known for being a funny/silly/comedic kid, is over-weight and has a complete different group of friends than my 18 year old, however, for as long as I can remember, he has been bullied … I remember going to the elementary school one day to pick him up and he may have been 7 or 8, I saw some kid being dragged by his fucking hood – turned out it was my baby animal. 😦

He’s called names as most are, threatened, etc, you know the drill … always the same shit with bullies.

Right or not, I’m glad he finally did something back and a part of me hopes he knocked the punks teeth out.

My grandmother is in the hospital and on her death-bed, so to speak. She is my fathers’ mother and I’ve not seen her in nearly 15 years. My father only lives 10 minutes away, yet we’ve no relationship at all. I bump into him every so often at Tim Hortons or in the mall, but it usually isn’t much more than a “How are you?”, a little small talk and that’s it. Neither of us visit the other, call or anything else. My parents split when I was 5 and I didn’t see him again till I was around 10 or 11. From there, thanks to the woman he was with – seeing him became a regular thing until they broke up. I was 14. I ended up living with her (and a step-brother and half-brother) for a few years, till I became pregnant at 17.

Since then and it’s been approx 21 years, it’s been nothing but the occasional hello in passing like I’d mentioned above, empty promises to each other of visiting or calling and zero communication with any of his family. Not that I hadn’t thought about it, but because the longer time went on, the more awkward and uncomfortable I imagined seeing them would be. I do have one aunt that I’d always thought a lot of, but I seldom saw her either, again, just hello in passing … the odd cousin the odd hello in passing and so on.

My father has a history of drug and alcohol abuse, and now, he’s sick with cancer and heart disease I believe, as he’s just had a triple bypass … I didn’t learn about this till only recently, though it’s been a few months.

My brother called to tell me on Sunday that my grandmother had a stroke and her whole left side is paralyzed … this woman is 96. Long story short, they’re doing nothing more than keeping her heavily sedated – and waiting for her to pass. I live only minutes from the hospital, where the majority of the family lives in the same area and it’s nearly a half hour away. I’ve gone up the past few nights and my aunt has hinted a bit about no one in the family wanting to stay all night, so feeling a bit put on the spot and guilty for obvious reasons, I offered my phone number should ‘she need anything’. This morning I woke to a message asking if I would spend the night in the hospital tonight.

I’ve not yet answered her.

I do feel love for my father and that family, and I do have good memories of my grandmother when I was younger, but would it be odd for me to stay with her? My mothers mother, the grandmother who had raised me most of my childhood years was in the very same situation only 6 or 7 years ago, and I didn’t spend a lot of time with her in the hospital, I didn’t believe that she was as sick as she was … and when I got the call that she had passed, I was over ridden with guilt and to this day still feel like a selfish, idiot bitch for not opening my eyes to what was happening with her. I sometimes wonder if I was the secret link that would’ve kept her alive somehow, if only I had held her hand, if only I had sat with her longer, if only … if only. I don’t know that I’ll ever get over the death of her and to this day will cry and say aloud “Grammy, please come home.”

I feel obligated to stay with her and strangely want to (the more I think aboutit, the more I don’t to be honest), though I imagine going a little stir crazy. I imagine sitting and talking to her a bit like I am now, she can hear what people say … Gawd, I just don’t know. I fear she’ll pass when I’m with her, that’ll be awkward … fuck sake, awkward isn’t even the word for it really. Is it strange if I do it though after all these years? Is it strange that I’m being asked? It strikes me as a little strange that of all the people in the family that were actually a regular part of her life won’t do it. Is it strange that I hurt after all these years about a woman I hardly know or is only regret and guilt?

I think it’s unfair …

that the majority of posts from http://speakgossip.com belong to the lovely http://serenityluv.com and she has NOT been credited!

Just sayin’.

Down 2.5!

Now weighing in at 162.5! 🙂 3 weeks in a row it was only a pound, so this was kinda nice and def what I needed to keep my motivation high!

MyFitnessPal doesn’t register the ‘.5’ losses though, but that’s OK. Lol

I left a message with mental health yesterday asking to re-book, they called back, but I wasn’t here and missed it so will hopefully reach them today and can finally get an appointment to speak with a professional.

My sons (21, 18 & 16) have been long debating getting matching tattoos, and I’d like something simple, like the Chinese symbol for family.

The only problem is, we can’t agree on where to put it. I initially wanted it on the inside of the wrist, but my youngest doesn’t have any yet and at only 16, I don’t know that I’m really comfortable with that …

Anyway, we’ve been searching forever for other designs, ideas, etc that we could get – but to no avail. This is the only one we’ve all agreed on and that holds any meaning.