I really don’t have any friends. I’ve people I say hello too and ask how they’re doing in passing … but that’s it. The only people I speak to daily are my 2 kids still living home with me (sometimes that’s very little) and N. I’d be pretty damn lonely if he wasn’t in my life and quite honestly, him being nearly 10 years younger, I’m convinced that the day will come where he’ll wanna move on. Somedays I feel as though I’m waiting for it.

I’ve men that I’ve met in the past that I was interested in, yet just couldn’t make that break from N, soooo I believe I’d led each of them on to an extent. First there’s M, whom I met nearly 7 years ago now, back when I was thin and in shape for the first time since I was 17. He’d bring me coffee and come and chat a bit off/on at my place of work, even brought me a sweet birthday card and daisies (favorite flower) but then one day, I met a rotten prick and decided that being called ‘babe’ and knowing he had been in trouble a bit over the years was more appealing. This guy worked at a furniture store, and M is a phys-ed teacher. As sweet as M was, I’ve always thought that his only interest was finding a place to dump it … we’d lost touch a couple of years, then started talking/flirting, email only at first, then he’d come to see me at the store I was working in (yes, again) . And again, I went with the flow and kept it all going till I just couldn’t anymore. Gawd, I’m not making any sense am I? Point is, he’s tried to keep in touch all this time and is still interested even after my weight gain. I know I am, kinda. Always have been, kinda. I can’t help but question why a good looking, muscle-bound guy would want with me, unless of course I was right along and he’s still curious.

There’s J. He and I did the email, he too would come see me at work … text lots, etc, then BANG. I stop because I have too. Trapped, can’t get out of this or I’m alone and everything is different, or is that the problem? My heads all over the place …

Last, there’s D. I dunno why but this guy I go out of my way to avoid, he’s a sweet sweet guy, but I can’t – don’t want to see him face to face. He was the sweetest to me, and I led him on and then disappeared, I couldn’t go any further. I’ve wanted too, hearts wanted too – but something stops me. I still think of him and wish I could’ve just gone with it, but then I would’ve had no choice but to put N out of my life and when it boils down to it, I don’t know how or if I even want to or if my reasons are fair on the days I do want it, do you know what I mean?

N was there for me when I hit rock bottom, he was my rock I think and I fear that one day I’ll have regrets. As for D, Ive so badly wanted to email him at least and explain things, but I know that’s just NUTS.

Um. On another note I’ve noticed I’ve been doing some off shit over the past few … maybe months. I thought it would stop, but it seems to be getting worse. I’ve the need to constantly clear my throat and I keep twitching my face, like scrunching my eyes or blinking hard, etc, even when I’m working out – it’s making me wanna become less sociable than what I am if that’s possible, I fear somebody will see me do it.