So many things have been going through my head today these past few days – a couple of times I thought about stopping what I was doing (which was likely just being on the damn computer) and posting here, but then I say to myself, why effing bother? Same shit OVER AND OVER, ain’t it?
Been thinking a lot about the people who have been in and out of my life, the decisions I’ve made in the past and how lightly I’d taken some things and how the consequences of my actions have made me who I am and have me where I am today. Feel like I’ve lost so much of myself, sometimes I’ve no idea who I really am or if I even like myself. I can’t stick to anything, I promise to do things I more than often don’t do and worst of all, I’ve given my kids this wonderful life of living in a fucking shit hole of a nasty town and wondering some days if they’re gonna eat or be able to afford a second pair of underwear, once they’ve grown out of the 3 pairs they have. Financially, things haven’t been bad these past few weeks, but the goodness never lasts.
I’m having panic attacks, a hard time getting to sleep and when I finally do, it’s a bitch to get up in the morning, if it’s still morning at all. Having problems concentrating, staying on task, always feel like I’m dragging my ass, headaches at random, a bit cranky and ridiculously anti-social lately, crying easily and flat-out feeling mentally exhausted, useless and beat down.
I’ve still not seen the doctor again regarding my medications, I keep thinking that maybe I’ll one day ‘snap’ out of this or that it’s a phase and I’ll be alright, etc.
I’m still eating healthy and exercising, I kinda thought a lot of this would go away or at least it’d help, but aside from the scale moving (slow but steady) I’m not feeling any different and my ‘head’ hasn’t become any more clear. Yes, I assumed it would make a huge difference, isn’t it supposed to?
I’m back to smoking, well, kinda. 6-7 a day now, I honestly don’t give a shit anymore. Same with the pot, I have it, I’m smoking it here in a bit and thankfully, I’ve been managing my eating just FINE.
I can’t keep writing things like this, it’s boring the ass off me.
So… write something else. 🙂 Write about… unicorns and rainbow? Ok, that won’t make sense. What I mean is, write about something COMPLETELY random. Write about a weird tree you saw, how it looked like an old man on a stool. I’ll read it and think it’s awesome. 🙂 Promise.
I realllly think you need to go to the doctor or at least call them, this reallllly sounds like side effects.
Jenzy, I adore you and want you to be ok.
Have you done any more gaming with the kiddos?
I think you should go for a walk, look for that old man in the tree.
Love love LOVEEEEEE YOU.
I’ve made another appointment, that was the easy pasrt – actually going is the difficult part …
A tree and a man eh? Lemme see what I can do lol
♥ you bunches dear girl xxx
________________________________
There’s not much left to add. Ottabelle said it all.
We want to help, Jenzy, but we can’t. Reading and commenting is the most that we can do.
You can’t give up yet.
I know it’s hard. Well I don’t know actually. I can’t possibly know how hard it is to be in your position. But that doesn’t stop me from caring about what’s happening to you.
Stay strong, Jenzy.
Let us help.
I know hun, I’m trying, some days though I just feel a broken record. I think we all understand each other to an extent, it’s what brings us together … at least I’d like to think so. xxx
________________________________
I can sympathize with what you go through.
**Feel like I’ve lost so much of myself, sometimes I’ve no idea who I really am or if I even like myself.**
I feel this way much of the time.
Glad I have found your blog. 🙂