It’s early Monday morning and I’ve waken up much earlier than usual. It’s Christmas vacation, so long and behold, when I know it’s alright to sleep in – something has me up …

Been thinking a lot about my son lately, my oldest son, 21 year old. Some days I can barely think about or look at pictures of him when he was little without becoming teary eyed, sometimes, I even find myself crying uncontrollably. But nothing compares to what I felt this morning when I woke up.

I dream about him a lot, see him when he was 3, 4, 5, 6 years of age, sweet little thing he was, trusting – loving eyes, soft spoken little baby voice, so curious he was, god what I would give to go back to those days. I woke up with my pillow soaked in tears, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Since I’ve been awake, I have to focus on not thinking about him, I can hear his voice as a child in my head and see him smiling, but I cry uncontrollably. Even at the sight of his pictures, I just feel such pain, so emotional – jesus, what the hell is going on with me?

Was his childhood ok? I mean, from his point of view? I plan on asking him, but it’ll have to be in an email – not sure I can do it to his face. I loved him so much, I still do – but feel as though I’d let him down so many times.

His father and I broke up when he was only 2 and I had just turned19 at that time. I remember leaving him with sitters a lot on the weekends so I could run to the fucking bars. I father tried hard ‘to get me back’ for nearly a year it was, I spent many afternoons and evenings crying over him, but never took him back. Instead, went through a series of short-term relationships with idiots. I’ve always loved his father, even to this day I hold a special place for him in my heart.

I’d gradually meet the younger boys dad, he was and forgive me for saying this … fuck sakes, I don’t know how to say it. Let’s just say that when he was straight, he was gentle, loving and caring, but when he was under the influence of anything, he turned nasty and vile. That was the first abusive relationship I’d been in, and though he never treated my son badly, my son still saw things that happened between us. He died 6 years ago of a drug overdose, neither of the boys got to know him very well. They saw him occasionally in town perhaps, where he’d hand them a few bucks from a large wad of money he’d have rolled up inside of his pocket, but that was the extent of it.

After the relationship with him, I moved onto my ‘marriage’. That was a wonderful relationship for the longest time, he was wonderful with myself and the kids, excepted them as his own even … but gradually, it just fell apart. Partly poor communication, part him working away and always being gone. I would eventually find out he had cheated and only months after we’d bought a new house.

I eventually sold the house and almost lost it to the bank in the process. While I was just scraping by at making the payments, etc, it was just too much and instead of having him around to ‘fix’ something, etc, I couldn’t afford the upkeep/maintenance. That was difficult. When we’d moved into the house, i promised the kids that was it – never again would we move. Right. No more promises do I make. 😦

Over the course of the years, I think it’s safe to say that my oldest has seen me as ‘unstable’ emotionally, what has that done to him I wonder?

I wish I would’ve waited and had the same kids LATER, so that I could’ve enjoyed him all to myself longer, I just can’t get the image of him as a little boy out of my head, I hear his voice, see his smile … isn’t it suppose to be a good feeling, those memories? Even now I can’t control the tears, so I’ve gotta stop and turn it all OFF.

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