My oldest lives with his girlfriend and we only speak once every few days. Occasionally, I’ll pick them up so they can borrow my car or take them for a coffee, etc. My younger 2 (ages 16 &18) sadly spend the majority of their time behind a damn screen, playing Xbox. I guess I’m really to blame as I’m not much better. I do try and take them out and we ‘run the roads’ a bit when we can (or when the gas money allows it) but as far as watching movies together, etc, they just never seem interested. In one hand I feel I’m lucky that at their ages they don’t wanna be out running around, yet at the same time, there is so much more we could be doing other than hiding in our rooms. 😦

Today has been a very strange day. I did smoke the bit of pot I had last night, and surprisingly I didn’t end up stuffing my face, however, since early this evening, I’ve felt ‘bitchy’, irritated and haven’t stopped thinking about it. I feel as though I’ve said goodbye to an old friend ffs. Pathetic I know.

But somehow, and I know it’s hard for some people to comprehend – but it makes me forget and not care and not worry, even when I eat, it’s just ‘who gives a shit’, I mean I don’t even think about. I don’t have the need to cry and feel as though I’m mourning over anything … whatever it may be. Life suppose, and the fact that I miss it. Miss who I was, miss what I used to have, miss having fucking money. (Don’t tell me it doesn’t bring happiness.) Because when my kids have food regularly, those pesky little things they ask for (Xbox points, new trendy ‘in’ clothes, cash for lunches at school instead of damn pb&j sandwhiches and/or Mr Noodles) my bills are paid, and I can afford cable and a house phone, it would most def bring me some damn happiness.

I simply can’t be bothered getting into anymore detail than I have tonight.

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